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1 of 1- Nita Jalkanen
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I feel so slimed!
Hi, friends..... As a recap, I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months, someone I've known and loved for 43 years, because he is bisexual, into heavy kink.....I set him free, with love, to go get clarity. I wasn't scared, anxious, afraid, angry.....I literally set him free from a place of pure love, and cried a river with the decision.
Now it turns out he will not be pursuing any romantic relationship, but simply finding sex buddies (both male and female) so he can freely pursue his sex addiction, deviant appetites..... I presume this means going back to a sex club and all the horrors that entails (horrors, to me, anyway).
I feel so slimed! That i loved and was intimate with this person. I can't shake the feeling of revulsion, and horror at what has happened....is happening.
How do I shake this revulsion and nausea and horror?
- Blackie563
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Re: I feel so slimed!
Hi Nita - I am so sorry this happened to you. I'll try to answer the question, although your situation is a bit different than mine. I understand the betrayal, the lies, how it feels to be on the wrong end of that. I dont know there is a shortcut through the pain, you just have to allow yourself to feel those feelings and try not to be hard on yourself. You have been significantly hurt by this persons actions, so anger, rage, sadness, anxiety, are all normal responses. I have experienced all of these and to some extent, still do.
Hang in there, there is an answer for everything, but you can only connect the dots looking backwards, not forwards. Trust that you will be ok in time. I only offer this advise, because it is the advise I am following myself..be well and be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong.
- Daryl
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Re: I feel so slimed!
If it were me, I'd likely start by cutting off contact. If that's not possible, make it very limited and draw a clear line that his 'recreational' activities are not to be brought up. Then work on surrounding yourself with people who respect you (and themselves).
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Nita Jalkanen
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Re: I feel so slimed!
Thank you, Daryl. I have cycled through the horror, the anger, the hurt..... Took a lot of prayer and meditation to do so. I needed to remember that we are all creatures equal under Creation. My ex had some sexual proclivities I couldn't abide - period. I made a choice to release him, with love. He is exercising free will and going down what I view as a dark path (including the use of LSD and magic mushrooms in an effort to attain a spiritual awakening....). But the path is his and he is free to make these choices, just as I am free to choose differently for my life.
I also needed to remember that I am not tainted by association. That's how I was feeling -- tainted, sullied, dirtied, victimized, defiled, etc.. We are two separate people on their respective journeys, and his choices are not a reflection of me.
I cannot state strongly enough how grateful I am that during the course of this relationship that I maintained strong boundaries, despite some pretty intense pressure to engage in sexual acts or activities that were not in my playbook. I stood strong in myself, and for that I am beyond grateful.
I have ended all contact. I see no other option or course. That saddens me, as it was a 43-year friendship based on love and respect. However, I do not want to witness the implosion. It would break my heart over and over again.
I am so grateful that I found this forum, and for the support it offered me, It means a lot to know we are not alone on what turned out to be a bizarre twist in the journey,,,,, Namaste.
- •
Thread Starter- Grace1958
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Re: I feel so slimed!
Hi Nita
I hope this doesn't sound trite, but the fact is people change. Your journey together came to an end but that doesn't mean it wasn't real. You just needed to take different roads.
Your X hit some point in his life where he felt he had to live out all his fantasies, everything else be damned. It's good you kept your boundaries and also good you let him go. Often this kind of thing happens, the questioning/adventurous one goes and does their thing and a few yrs later comes begging to come back, saying it's all out of their system. Then they realize what they gave up. That's also part of their journey, but it doesn't have to be part of yours.
Take your time and find your own way. You may just find you are at peace more easily than you think.
Grace
- Marianne
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Re: I feel so slimed!
Hi Nita. I know how you feel. My husband had some paraphilias he was hiding from me for a long time because he knew I would not like it. He only told me after his coming out. I feel dirty for being intimate with such person. If I knew, I would never marry him, I would not date him, I would not even touch him with a 3-meter long stick. (Is there such a metaphor in English? Maybe not but you know what I mean, right?)
I try to avoid thinking about him and his future sex life. I also have very limited contact (on the internet, never met him after he moved out). I hope it will get better over time.
I wish it gets better for you.