Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Look her in the eye and tell her you're divorcing her
 

Yes.  Do this.  This is the exact right way.

Everyone has their own speed. You will know when you are ready. Until then I'd suggest focus on 'life with Lola'. Once this wound heals up a bit, you'll be better prepared for it.

I want to be clear too that there are major pitfalls in dating after the ex.  I went out with someone new last night and found myself reliving some other learned experiences I may have skipped over.

Most dates at a certain age will have exes and children, etc.  They have been through their own traumas and will have their own ways of dealing with their families and history.  What has worked for them doesn’t necessarily apply to you and so be prepared for your experience to be misunderstood.

There is soo much pressure in our society to be accepting of LGBTQIA+ experiences, that you will encounter people who recoil at any potentially negative expression about LGBTQIA+ issues.  It is certainly possible that a date doesn’t process or understand what you are saying and automatically concludes that your feelings about being used by your ex are actually a form of bigotry.  Their own lack of tolerance can be interpreted as YOUR intolerance, and that can be quite triggering.  I had this happen last night.  I met a woman who could not see nuance.  She was talking on and on about how important it is to have a healthy relationship with one’s ex, and I simply said that sometimes the healthiest relationship with an ex is no contact.  And she said essentially ‘only when the woman was beaten.’

Um…

And so when I explained why no contact was best for me, she kneejerked to ‘but it is so hard to be LGBTQ in our society.’  Flapping red flag and not because she is wrong.  It is a red flag because she cannot even understand the betrayal. 

I think my biggest problem in dating after the ex is that I am not sure I have any idea what love is anymore.  I’m not sure I ever knew.  I remember once believing that I knew what love is, but having been deceived in love, deep down I am extremely reluctant to ever truly engage on a deep level.  In other words, it is hard to trust again.

Everyone here is saying that in their own way, and many choose NOT to date, and that is perfectly valid.  My issue is that in trying to date, and looking so hard for red flags, I might just be setting myself up for a long, slow failure of my own making, and that is depressing.

Again, no easy path forward no matter what you choose.

Victo wrote:

It is certainly possible that a date doesn’t process or understand what you are saying and automatically concludes that your feelings about being used by your ex are actually a form of bigotry.

This is a concern I have. I myself, am not at all bigoted and work every day for everyone to have equal opportunity and understanding. I'm not angry at that community at all, but rather my soon to be ex-wife who for 23 years professed profound happiness until she no longer did....if I am to believe her, she has never thought of this. Most people always knew and had some feeling, but ignored it or covered it up for obvious reasons. She even gives herself a pass "I cant help how I feel". If I said that about another woman, I would immediately be branded a jerk/asshole for betraying my vows...its a double standard for sure.

Anyway, I am already putting myself out there. Being honest that I have not even served the papers yet. I don/t know that I'll get many, since by "putting myself out there", I simply mean when I see women, instead of saying hello, I wonder, how would I even know what to say next to show interest? 

I'm a bit of a mess today. Some days are better than others. I am 42 years old, the prime of my career and feel lost. I resent this feeling and the person who makes me feel this way.

Anon2222 wrote:

He moves out in 3 weeks....

sure it is scary and that is for real but isn't there a tiny bit of you just waiting for him to go?

Way back then in my 40's, as an innocent straight wife who thought of her GID husband as her best mate, the time had already come when I'd look forward to his trips away and I would settle in and just enjoy having the house to myself for a while.  

Safe of course in the knowledge that he'd be back in a while.   This time it's more profound - even more reason to just relax into your own company for a while.  I remember lying in the middle of the living room carpet crying my eyes out and thinking how good it felt to be able to do so.