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1 - Victo
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I’m a target, apparently
I’m on several dating apps and I am lucky enough to get matches regularly. Of those matches, however, most people identify as bisexual, queer or use she/they pronouns.
Based on what I see in online dating, openly heterosexual women make up less than 25% of the dating pool.
Soo I contacted one ‘queer’ girl who reached out to me and asked her very nicely essentially why she reached out. And her response was that she felt she was too narrow in her queerness and wanted to open herself up more to cis men.
And it took all the energy I could muster to NOT scream at her to keep her experimentation in her friend circle because the whole mixed orientation relationship has proven to be a kind of hell on earth for me. Instead, I kindly explained why we were not a match.
So it got me thinking about two things:
1) the vast majority of women in the online dating pool I encounter have same sex attraction.
2) something about my face and profile attracts queer, gay and bisexual women.
I figure my GID narcissist abuser ex felt safe enough with me to get involved in the first place. Perhaps that’s because I’m open minded and kind. But WTF is the point of being open minded and kind if it just makes me a target for these kinds of women?
Lily always says there are lots of these women out there, but I just keep hitting the same brick wall even in my attempts at recovery. No wonder I feel like I am just being used all the time.
Where are the kind hetero women? Do they exist? They seem to on this forum, but none of the women who post here seem to ever want to date again. (No blame whatsoever. I get it. But it is still disheartening.)
Last edited by Victo (August 23, 2022 3:37 pm)
- LostAtSea
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Re: I’m a target, apparently
I go back and forth on wanting to go on dating apps. I’m not sure if I’m ready in a positive healthy way for myself and if I’ll ever trust anyone again. Also, the ex I met on a dating site and I “thought” I met the kindness sweetest man, but instead I was literally lied to every day even up to the D-day phone call. I had to uncover the truth by being a detective.
It’s hard not to be angry or lonely in this process. One of my apprehension on dating sites as someone told me “there are a lot of crazy F up ppl out there with secrets”!
In my younger days, I apparently only attracted married men who didn’t tell me they were married! I wondered to myself why this was? Apparently it was kindness and I was easy to talk to.
There are cis women are out there to not take advantage of you...you just have to weed them out.
The same apprehension you have, I have the same issue about dating or meeting new friends.
So for now, I work on myself. Know what I want, know the RED flags, know when to walk away. And know when to take a chance.
My therapist asked me...what have you learned from this for the next partner? My answer is know your body and trust your gut. When you feel something is wrong and don’t want to speak up or won’t be allowed to be heard...this is when you run. And now I know when I’ve been gaslighted and “abused “ mentally all these years.
Hang in there!
Last edited by LostAtSea (August 23, 2022 4:32 pm)
- lily
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Re: I’m a target, apparently
It's not something anyone wants to hear but just think about it, what we know of our history. Then it's just logic and maths and I'm not surprised at the figure of only 25% straight girls but go further and caution you that they won't all be straight either.
It is a lot easier for a woman to conceal her sexuality than it is for a man.
and already there seems to me to be a high percentage of gay men.
The kind hetero women you are hoping for do exist, mainly we are married to gay men.
So divorcing women is a possibility but again caution is needed - there are plenty of MOMs where both parties are gay in denial and they seem to be more likely to divorce earlier in life.
I think just like the GID men find it easy to pick up whichever women they want, it is the same for the GID women - they out compete the straight women by a country mile. so yes they are the ones who will catch your eye first.
My sense of things is that it is better to recognise how few straights there are left in the dating pool - the closet doors are bursting at the seams and there's a lot of unhappiness being expressed.
It might take a while, Victo but there are still straight women just as there are still straight men, you are looking with clear eyes and giving yourself every chance of having a happy marriage next.
- Anon2222
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Re: I’m a target, apparently
I wonder if you can put "MUST BE HETEROSEXUAL, no exceptions" on a dating profile lol
Like...I'm the say way. After this I don't want anyone who is even having a hint or whisper of questioning their sexuality. If I can go into a marriage knowing I'm 100% heterosexual, then the other party bloody well be able to as well.
I don't get why anyone thinks its acceptable to lie. So, if nothing else at least the silver lining is the women are being honest with you? But it's annoying that this has to be a thing....
Still can't imagine dating as of yet. But....I pray there is actually still some nice, normal men out there.
What are people's thoughts on paying a match maker?
At this point in my life, I feel like I've wasted half my life and I don't have any desire to waste time on dating people who aren't compatible with what I want in life. Anyone try a match maker to weed people out?
- lily
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Re: I’m a target, apparently
you can put "must be heterosexual" on your profile but it's not going to stop them from trying their luck is it, from their perspective all that does is alert them not to try a 'bisexuality is cool' soft sell.
a match maker might be a good idea!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I’m a target, apparently
Anon2222 wrote:
I wonder if you can put "MUST BE HETEROSEXUAL, no exceptions" on a dating profile lol...
A large percentage of men on dating sites will say they're single heterosexuals
....but that doesn't mean they are.
You COULD put or "MUST NOT BE GAY/BISEXUAL" and you'd still get men/women trying it on
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 23, 2022 10:26 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Abby
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Re: I’m a target, apparently
I'm not a woman who never wanted to date again and happily I have been in post-gay relationship for years. One thing that occurs to me as to why you may attract women who identify as something other than straight is if your information suggests that you are looking for sex rather than a relationship. A straight woman generally wants to get to know a guy before taking her clothes off. A woman who is interesting in sampling sexual experiences and sees men as something she hasn't tried for a while isn't. I don't know your age but they might also be from a younger generation.
A friend when she found out I my husband had come out of the closet and moved out introduced me to a widower she knew because she realized that we had common interests.Try getting involved in things that you like to do if, they are things that women also like to do. Let your friends know that you are ready to date because maybe they know a woman who is single and might be compatible.
Class reunions have led to rekindled romances and marriages. Funerals too although not not to close relatives or the bereaved.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Victo
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Re: I’m a target, apparently
One thing that occurs to me as to why you may attract women who identify as something other than straight is if your information suggests that you are looking for sex rather than a relationship.
I think it is the exact opposite. I think my profile is focused on kindness and empathy and I look like a target to the GID narcissist abuser types.
And anyway… I’m looking for a relationship that features sex.
I have been in a sexless marriage to a GID narcissist abuser. No.
Heterosexual has the word sexual in it. I’m not looking for heterosexless, or homosexless or bi-sexless. I suffered that already.
- •
Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: I’m a target, apparently
Victo,
I can't help much with gauging if a woman is straight or not ...as I have a broken gaydar it seems...like many here. But narcissism..my GX taught me to see signs of that like a pro.
Your detecting gayness or narcissism in the woman you meet, I think, is a healthy self preservation. You can feel it in your bones. Better to be alone than with a hurtful,dishonest person.
Board here proves there are quality normal heterosexual woman ..even if most you meet are not ..there is proof they exist.
For me dating I simply did not pursue anyone that gave me any wrong narcissistic vibes so to speak. Don't give up... perhaps put in your dating profile looking for heterosexual not bisexual,homosexual etc just like you wrote it above? I see nothing wrong with stating exactly what is important to you and what you won't tolerate.
Sincerely hope you find a normal, kind, honest and heterosexual woman.
Last edited by Rob (August 24, 2022 10:27 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7