OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

August 7, 2022 3:43 pm  #1

She is questioning, what are our chances?

Been married for 19 years, together for 23 years. Great marriage, not my view but hers as well. Over the past 4 months, I noticed her being very cold and distant, sex was less frequent and the marriers were obvious. She is a poor communicator so I gave her space. Last night she told me that for about 4 months, she has had feelings for another woman. The other woman doesn't know, is married and she hasn't acted on them. That said, she thinks of this woman often. When I asked if she still loved me, she says yes. But later admitted, she wasn't sure because of these other feelings exist. 

I recommended she see someone to find out if she is gas/lesbian, but candidly, what hurt the most is her not telling me this for 4 months. It has been the worst 4 months of our marriage being distant and cold. She said its because she hoped the feelings would go away. I said I get it, but it actually makes it worse. We met in college, she has never been with a woman, but she has been with me since her Freshman year. She says there is nothing I've done, I treat her well, provide for the 3 kids, am supportive and a great listener. 

I think maybe that she is 41, and the kids are bit older, its the first time she has had time to think about what she actually wants. I was convenient, loving so in the hustle of raising kids, that was enough. I am absolutely gutted by this. If she is lesbian, I want her to be happy, truly. I feel there is a small chance we an get through this, but I am not hopeful. I havent eaten in over a day and barely slept. Trying to keep all of this from my kids. What do I do?  


August 7, 2022 4:08 pm  #2

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

Don't panic, don't rush, don't agree to anything that goes against your core values. Don't move out.
You will need to keep up the honest communication, as you've already seen, it's a two-way street.
It's probably good for her to see someone about this. You should do likewise. That you are barely eating and sleeping suggests that this is weighing heavily on you, as I would expect it to. For your relationship to work, you both need to share some common goals. To get there, it's just as important for you to focus on what you want and need.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

August 7, 2022 4:15 pm  #3

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

Thank you, Daryl. I am/was freaking out. The thought of losing her, my best friend in the whole world make me physically ill to my stomach. I've not cried so much in my life in a 24 hour period. I will take your advise. Thank you for responding. 

     Thread Starter

August 7, 2022 6:41 pm  #4

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

Blackie563 wrote:

......I havent eaten in over a day and barely slept..... 

Hey Blackie, welcome to our Forum. First thing first....a father who is so worried,/stressed that he can't eat is no good to anybody. So go grab a hamburger, or your go-to food when you need an energy boost. An empty stomach isn't good for your thought processes. Yeah sleep can be a long-lost thing when news like this gets dropped in your lap but remember to fuel your body, sleep & food, because this journey will take energy you never thought you'd need. 

Don't keep this news to yourself, if you do it will shut you in her closet and keep you there til your wife decides what she wants to do and this should be a decision you both make. Too often we say nothing because we know that our friends and family won't know how to respond. And our gay/bi/whatever spouses don't want to be in a spotlight either. 

This Forum has compassionate members with good advice and friendly words in bucketloads.


KIA KAHA                       

August 8, 2022 7:23 am  #5

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

I share your pain

I have been extremely anxious over the past weeks. Last week one day I woke up in the middle of the night, vomited and spent quite a while crying while laying next to the toilet, until I fell asleep.

My wife and I have agreed to try MOM, at least for a while. But she is not trying. They say "follow their actions, not their words", and while she does say she wants to try it, in her gay adolescence period she is obsessed with following tik-tok and instagram lesbians where she is picturing the exciting life that is ahead for her. A new life, falling in love again, meeting new people... we all crave our teenage years and how that excitement felt for us.
She has no objection of saying how gay she feels, how she she wants to change her appereance, be with gay people, how she desires to date women... while at the same time she tells me she really wants our MOM to work.

I am not again with her telling me those things. In fact, I prefer that she tells me those things. It helps me put myself on the right place. I cannot compete with the excitement of a new life, specially when you base that excitement on following tiktokers and instagramers, to be honest.

After the excitement comes reality. And reality means that her exciting new life means leaving her old life behind. It means leaving behind 100% of me, and at the very least 50% of her time with our 4 children. And the house we are currently renovating will be renovated for someone else to enjoy it, because there is no way we can afford that house if we separate... 

Last edited by Bertuccio (August 8, 2022 7:26 am)


August 8, 2022 5:46 pm  #6

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

Blackie563 wrote:

The thought of losing her, my best friend in the whole world make me physically ill to my stomach. I've not cried so much in my life in a 24 hour period. 

Hi Blackie & Bertuccio,

I think a lot of us experience these high states of anxiety when we are presented with the possibility of separation.

at the time I thought it was because I was grossing out on the gay thing, I barely had a thought in my head all I could think of was getting to the sea for a swim, I was staying under the shower for ages and ages and then this point came where I stumbled out of the shower and drying off I was thinking either I am going to vomit or I am going to cry and I started crying and that felt a bit better.

sorry to say it but I now believe it to be due to what was under the carpet, in the basement, what was at the back of my mind, unspoken unacknowledged unnoticed papered over, sunk deep into the swamp - unwittingly, unknowingly, I was facing up to a feeling of fear at what he might do should I rock the boat.

My best friend was actually more like a fair weather friend.  ie when things were going his way.  

When we were separating I told him he was a wolf in sheep's clothing, he laughed and drew a cute picture of a wolf in slippers under the Christmas tree for me.  

It can be an awful shock to wake up to the reality of the person we got married to.  



August 8, 2022 11:01 pm  #7

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

Actions over words can't be over-stressed. Especially honesty vs. deception or gaslighting.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

August 9, 2022 6:29 am  #8

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

Take all of the time that you need for this decision. I wish you the vey best.


August 12, 2022 2:07 pm  #9

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

Thank you, all. Very much appreciate the support and recommendations. Candidly I am still very emotional, this news is still less than a week old for me. My wife and I talk every day so thats good I think. It just hurts so bad right now, I never contemplated this scenario. 

     Thread Starter

August 12, 2022 4:05 pm  #10

Re: She is questioning, what are our chances?

Blackie, sorry to be cryptic but the thing I want to say to you is look at your bruises and they will tell you the truth.

I will admit my belief is she has kept this seminal truth of herself hidden from you from the start and she is only telling you now because she wants to.  and it is still tip of the iceberg.

all it takes is a nice tone of voice and we all tend to be soothed and go along with it but if the intent is solely to soothe then I'm going to find my questions haven't been answered and my concerns haven't been resolved when I wake up anxious again, at 3am in the morning.

Don't worry about being emotional it's a good truthful strong response to the situation you are in and will settle back to more normal operation after a while.  It is very early days, you are in deep shock and it's important to put your primary care and attention into yourself.  

Me, I used to love walking in the forest, swimming in the sea, talking to my cat, and curling up for a nap the best.


Last edited by lily (August 12, 2022 4:16 pm)


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum