I hope you all understand that I am posting with a bit of sarcasm. 

Of course I don’t expect a woman to f*k her way into my trust.  Of course not.  I said that up front.

And I appreciate your willingness to chat about this.  It is a really hard problem for me. 

I am a naturally sexual person who was also always extremely pro feminist.  I was never into sexual conquest as a younger man - rather I always found steady girlfriends and focused on making them long term relationships.  Given that I pursued consensual and non risky long term relationships, I was doing ‘sex’ the right way.

Then I went through a long dry spell - years without meeting anyone - during a time I went through grad school, took on debt, and had a mental health breakdown over going into this debt.

That’s when I met my GID Narcissist Ex - when I was at my lowest.  And I was so happy to have my sex life return after almost four years, that I didn’t realize that three months of love bombing was enough to derail me for the next 20 years.

So… I am incredibly frustrated because I was the good guy!  I was the nice, handsome, caring man who was understanding and loving and kind and the real deal. 

And I got taken off the market and my whole being wasted while my normal sexuality and desire for my wife was deliberately turned into a negative trait. 

And so #metoo comes along, and suddenly all men are sexually suspect and all women are to be believed about all things that might be sexually problematic.

And this just reinforced all the ways society gets nuance wrong and made me feel like an incredible loser.

What was the point of trying to be the good guy when all it did was make me a ‘safe space’ for a narcissist to target? 

Fuck!!!!

Victo wrote:

So… I am incredibly frustrated because I was the good guy! I was the nice, handsome, caring man who was understanding and loving and kind and the real deal.

And I got taken off the market and my whole being wasted while my normal sexuality and desire for my wife was deliberately turned into a negative trait.

Yes, exactly that.  It happened to me too.  

It happens a lot.  Good looking and pick of the litter, it's like a Gucci handbag, of course you are a target for thieves.

Hope things go well for you now.  At least you've got some idea what to look out for, and what to look for.  My take is that if you're good natured that's what you are.  The anger bitterness and tears are the harvest you have to offer going forward, thanks to your ex but you can trust yourself to make good with it.

 

Last edited by lily (August 1, 2022 3:39 pm)

well I have a very different take on it, Elle - first of all it is only natural sensible behaviour to ask why me, what happened - you're fighting for a better future not wallowing in it.  And that is what I make of Victo's posts.

and if you've got a good nature you've got a good nature and nothing you can do about it.  It has lots of good things about it as well as the vulnerability.

I think I've learned better only to be caught again - my last was a man who I paid hundreds of dollars to for landscaping and he was work shy - anything difficult that involved muscles or digging he avoided.  No idea of gardening and wouldn't listen so I have had to undo the rock work he did and redo it myself.  after paying him to do it.

So I reckon I am better just acknowledging I am the way I am and do what makes me feel better, however little, however small it weighs in the scale.  

I am totally with Victo on this one - everybody gets told they have to be the good guy, well fine say that to the not good ones if you want to, oh that's right they're not listening, it's the good guys who are.

I've lost count of the number of times I have been told that users and the used go together.  You know what?  I can see why people think that, it is so prevalent.  And the blame shift is that the person who has been used feels like they need to change.  No we don't.  The user needs the person they use but the used doesn't need the user.

Far from it.  Imagine what it would have been like if I'd had a nice landscaper.  a big plus and no negatives whatsoever.  Ironically I thought when I hired him that he was a nice man and that he understood gardens and we would work well together.  And here I am, still got a few boulders to move that I will need a bit of help with and completely gun-shy over hiring anyone.  

But I do have his mattock.  It's been very useful.

Last edited by lily (August 1, 2022 6:00 pm)

Victo, I understand how you feel. I asked myself the same questions. You can send me a private message if you want to talk more. I posted what happened to me a couple of times and got negative feedback that was very hurtful to me. I did find two members that talked to me with a private message and it helped. I am holding a good thought for you.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

....hah I knew my comments might come across a bit harsh. I meant no offense. And I'm not telling anybody to stop feeling sorry for themselves, or to stop being vulnerable and showing who they truly are as one who's been hurt the way we are. But we all know getting through the Mindfuck is like the storm the member Roo talked about, with a quoted phrase from (can't remember!....but I will find it and post it) It talks about getting through the storm, out the other side and being a different person. And how you do that is to a large part determined by how you treat yourself, how worthy you see yourself, how strong you can make your resolve to come out the other side a better person.
What's done is done, we can't change the past. 

(can't remember!....but I will find it and post it) Found it! “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 

Elle

Elle, I don't think any of us would have taken your post as harsh, it still comes across as caring tho I dunno that Victo warranted being told to pull his socks up seeing as he is lightyears ahead of us - he's been dating.  

an old quote - plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose - the more it changes the more it stays the same.