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July 21, 2022 2:49 pm  #1

The new "4" letter word....Sex

I have reached a crossroads in my life. My newly announced gay husband is the only person I've ever had sex with. Literal first everything. 

I am very much of the mentality that I am not interested in one night stands, I don't have any desire to meet random people, and I'm not going to try sleeping around. I firmly believe you have to love someone and be a partnership before you have sex.

This has rocked me to the core. The last few years sex became so messed up. I felt ugly, undesired, like something was wrong with me. He would tell me things like he wanted me to be "more adventurous" or do whatever. And I'd try and just the way he would look at me...

I was so confused. I told him one day that I felt like we were more roommates than husband and wife. I thought it would motivate him and us to work on things. Instead it's like he took it as "ah ha!" she feels the same way, I knew it. Whereas I kept trying, he just kept leaving. By the end, I would just cry after any time we tried to have sex. I would be so messed up I just didn't even know what to think.

Now....I don't know who I am. I don't even feel like a woman. I feel like some androgenous human blob. I feel like no man will ever not look at me with that "look" on his face. I also feel like this is it, this is my sex life and I'm done. I can't see ever trusting another man or wanting another man to touch me. Ever. Right now all I want to do is die alone.

Anyone have anything that helped them with this? Helped them with the mind f**k of I just spent 16 years sleeping with a gay man? Is there life after this? I know some people get re-married and what not...but I know a lot of single people and I've heard a lot of crap about dating....it terrifies me. 

Are there nice guys out there? Is this a thing? How long did it take people to trust/put themselves out there again?


July 21, 2022 10:03 pm  #2

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex


I know the feeling ..having spent decades with a gay women.

To answer your question..yes there are good guys out there.  One evidence of this is the men who post here having gone through what you did.  You can see in the quality of everyone's words here that good, honest, heterosexual people exist.   I once said I'd go out with any woman here sight unseen based on the quality they conveyed.

If it were not for this forum I would have believed that all woman were gay or had same sex attraction...but I knew in my bones that was a lie.  Just like your husband is treating you..those are just words spoken over us..subtle and direct hurt over the years by someone we trusted completely to make us feel like we're not enough..like no one would want us.

We are more than enough..you are attractive and wanted.   Just not by him.. you could never be.
Their treatment of us is a horrible, evil thing..so untrue.  Not something a normal loving person would do to another they vowed to love. 

It takes time to trust again but I think you will find there are people out there so much better in quality than our spouses are.

Hope that gives you some comfort or peace.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

July 22, 2022 2:56 am  #3

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex

My husband was my first and only as well.  Sex has never been a big thing in our marriage we didn't do it very often (unless trying for a baby) and I didn't know any better, I thought it was just normal.  He just wasn't that into it and once every couple of weeks was fine when he was in the mood and it was all about him being satisfied and not me.

Then after we conceived our last child, over 10 years ago, sex stopped.  At first it was understood.  I had a high risk pregnancy, was on bedrest, then he was in the NICU, and sick a lot.  That was followed by me getting a hysterectomy, complications, and a very long recovery.

But then I healed and I tried to intiate things again.  He would either have no interest or be unable to perform.  I was absolutely humiliated and blamed myself because i could not turn on my own husband.  I thought it was because I was too fat, too scarred, too ugly to be desirable.  He was on this fitness journey and was in amazing shape, looked great, so I internalized that too as I'm too ugly.  Over the years I'd found a couple of toys that were meant to help him take care of himself so I knew he had the desire, adding another hit in that he would prefer a toy to his wife.  And god I tried to get him interested.  Lingere, massages, trips, new things, sending him to the doctor to get checked (he didn't use the meds perscribed).  

The feelings caused contributed to my anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, and an eating disorder.  And he knew this.  He knew it was hurting me and didn't say anything.  Because me thinking those things allowed him to keep his secret.  This is perhaps one of the most selfish things they can do.

After he came out he said I didn't have to have body dysmorphia anymore becuase he didn't think any of those things I listed off....yeah like that just makes it all go away.  I said those exact words you did to my mom, my doctor, my therapist "Who is going to want me now?"

They all very firmly put down that thought, pointing how they see me and that those things I were thinking were wrong and that I will find someone else.  I will get the Happily Ever After I deserve.  I was taught sex was something special between two people.  For me its not a casual thing, its part of a committed relationship.  And I honeslty thought I would never have anyone else besides my husband...and that could still happen.  I've gone so long without it that I think mentally I've moved it so far down in priorities its going to take therapy to get to a healthy place with it again.  

But that is not my priority right now.  My priority is getting me and the kids taken care of.  I also read up that going into a divorce I shouldn't be looking/dating/on apps looking for someone else in reguards to custody and child support stuff.  So I don't even plan on even thinking about looking again until after that.  I want to make sure I'm mentally ready before diving back in.

Sex however, is very clearly on his mind, but still not with me.  Before he moved into another part of the house I found another toy that was 100% not intended to be used with a woman.  One of the very first things he asked me after coming out was how did I want him to handle if he choose to sleepover at someone's house.  he's not supposed to tell me.while he is under no circumstances allowed to bring anyone to our home or be around our kids unless I have met them first and I have to approve anyone visiting.   NO sleepovers here.

Those mean voices in my head I call my Head Goblins.  They feed anxiety and depression.  I mentally have to tell them to shut up and you can do that too.  What they have done to us is horrible.  They have betrayed us and made us to feel we were at fault for things like the sexual aspect when it was all on them.  Its okay to assign the blame there.  Because no matter how thin I was, how I looked, what I did, I would never ever be what he really wanted....a Man.

Talk to you therapst about this too.  these kinds of scars that have built up over so many years run incredibly deep.  They will offer how to go about it in this new phase of your life and addressing it when you want it to happen again.

You are a strong and amazing woman.  I firmly believe that there is someone out there for all of us.  Someone who will love and cherish you the way you deserve to be loved and cherised.  


July 25, 2022 4:09 pm  #4

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex


What you're going through is tough regarding your relationship to your own body, self, desire, feelings, etc in this situation. I've been there...

My situation is similar and different. My spouse was also my first and only. We married very young (I was 21)...Had been together 12 years. It differs somewhat from you in that my spouse came out as trans (MTF) about a year ago. We're now divorcing. I moved out in January of this year. I can tell you that the space and separation, while terrifying, has done me worlds of good.

I remember the heavy fear I felt after my ex first came out and I was reeling from the shock of it all. I definitely remember being horrified at the prospect of dating again in that torrent. Terrified of losing everything and not wanting any alternative, while also not wanting what had become reality with this person and relationship I thought was ofrever and that I thought I understood the nature of. What I can say is that for myself it was horrifying because I WASN'T READY for any of it, especially fast forwarding to dating and moving on from something I hadn't grieved the end of yet. You can take as much time as you need to heal before jumping into some new relationship. I also had complicated feelings about my body and sex coming out of that relationship, especially because my ex projected a lot onto me...had developed a whole theory about me being a closeted/repressed trans man (I'm a cis woman) in an effort to transform me into the kind of partner they actually wanted. Hence, parts of your story struck a chord for me. I felt really broken down and lost as I exited that relationship...and it's only been 6 months since I ended it.

Separation and distance were necessary for me to reconnect with myself. And it's taking time. 

The first steps I took that helped me included  annoying things like daily exercise and/or meditation, leaning on friends and family if you can, and going easy on yourself throughout. I have been focusing on building basic mobility and low impact strength training via youtube so I can workout at home. It's helped a lot with my mental health. I've noticed that the daily practice of exercise has rooted me more and more in my own body...something I had started to feel alienated from. And it's a time where my mind can stop churning through the mess. Whether you exercise or not, maybe there are ways for you to connect with yourself on a bodily level and restart a relationship with your own body that is completely your own...no one else involved. The thing that helped me was taking small steps to carve out space for myself (both in the relationship as it was ending, and afterward as I've started a new life). 

I'm currently not dating and not looking for relationships while at this juncture in my healing. But I have noticed a big change in recent weeks. Since the disclosure and split I was pretty shut down sexually.  No desire, no pleasure. Just numbness. But recently I've noticed desire return, along with some curiosity and excitement for what might be possible in the future instead of all that fear. I think taking steps to focus on myself, reconnect with my body on my own terms and not put pressure on myself have made some space for a few normal things to return, like my gut feelings, and sexual desire, and some hope for the future.  I'm trying to focus on exploring my own desires and sexuality without the lens of another person right now, so a lot of self care there! And I'm trying to tap into my own instincts and learn to listen to myself again. 

We'll figure this out.


July 26, 2022 1:33 pm  #5

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex

I’m still not over the sex thing.  I don’t know what to do or how to get past it.

Being married to a GiD lesbian narcissist asshole, sex was one of the many ways she sought to demean and control me.  And it worked.  I feigned a kind of nonchalant exterior while I desperately wished I had any normal way to express myself physically. 

In my marriage, I swallowed a ton of misandy disguised as love.  My very normal sexual desires were minimized and even vilified.  I got to the point where I could not even imagine myself as desirable in any way - and as a male, that left me dangerously open to an industry designed to separate desperate men from their money.

I didn’t go too far down that path because it was as emotionally empty as my marriage.

So now I’m left with the understanding that all women are motivated by the simple desire to extract as much from me as possible without giving a fuck about me.

That is the opposite of sexy, and I’m kindof honestly disgusted by women.  (Present company excepted.  You all have been through some terrible hurt.)

But I’m not attracted to men at all, so I feel completely shellshocked about sex.


July 26, 2022 6:35 pm  #6

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex

So this is something I would be mortified to actually say to anyone....but I feel like this group gets it.

I bought a vibrator online *eep*

I never thought I would talk about my sex life in an online forum....but honestly, I just want to see if anything good can come from the area, cuz it sure hasn't in years. I'm wondering if it still even works lol.

I have zero desire to go into the world of dating. I don't know where I will be in the future....but right now it's a big hell no! But what I want to do is start feeling like a woman again. Start embracing my feminine side and just be me! I want to feel sexy again. Regain some of the confidence.

So I said F-It and bought a vibrator (and yes it made me laugh)

     Thread Starter

July 26, 2022 7:31 pm  #7

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex

Anon2222 wrote:

.....but honestly, I just want to see if anything good can come from the area, .....

🤣 That made me laugh

KIA KAHA                       

July 27, 2022 10:41 am  #8

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex

It was funny. Hopefully, you can replace the toy with a real man soon.


July 27, 2022 10:43 am  #9

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex

It was funny. I hope that you find a man to love soon.


July 27, 2022 4:06 pm  #10

Re: The new "4" letter word....Sex

Not that I would object to toy. I hope things get better for you soon.


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