OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- lookingforhelpta
- New member
Offline
Wife came out as gay; preparing for separation
Hi. This is my first post on here and I'm looking for advice and encouragement as I feel in a very dark place right now.
I (mid20smale) have been married to my wife for two years. We met in college, became best friends, started dating and ultimately, got married.
I love her with my whole being. She's my soulmate and the only person I ever imagined myself being with. We've had rocky times in our marriage (as couples do), but overall, we've had a deep love for each other and had so many good times together. These have truly been the best two years of my life.
A couple weeks ago, however, my wife came out to me as gay. I had known since college she was bisexual, but she has been wrestling with feelings of being gay for a long time apparently. After a lot of emotional conversations, we decided we wanted to at least try to make our marriage work. We love each other so much and have an incredible bond.
It's become clear, though, that our marriage isn't going to be able to work. After a conversation yesterday, we agreed a separation is our only option.
We've had a lot of hard, emotional and loving conversations since then. We've discussed how we want to have a very amicable divorce fair to both parties and how we would like to still be able to be friends after this because of our bond (we know this is easier said than done, but we really want this). We have two pets together that will be split up in the separation and we want each other to see each other's pets and spend time together with them.
Luckily, our assets are pretty straight-forward. We don't have a house, no kids, so we're hopeful the divorce process will be fairly straight-forward (at least in comparisons to divorces we've seen in our families). We've obviously never done this before so we hardly know where to begin.
The biggest challenge will be the emotional reckoning. I am a wreck. I already have diagnosed anxiety and depression and it's in overdrive right now. I cry a lot and am in absolute grief. I thought I would be with her forever, and now I have to reconcile the fact I won't.
She's moving out next week and I'm already dreading it and I'm scared of what's to come. I have a long road ahead of me of healing and she does too.
Good vibes, advice and encouragement are greatly appreciated if you have any.
Thank you for your help.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Wife came out as gay; preparing for separation
Looking....welcome to our Forum. Wow.....mid-20s, that's pretty early on in a marriage to have this sort of thing dropped in your lap, because many (most?) don't learn about their spouses secrets til later, like 30/40 years in...
and you don't have children, which is one of the issues that keep people indecisive.
So I have to commend your wife for doing this now. That's probably the last thing you want to hear....your wife being praised for coming out and telling you she's gay....but there it is, if only half of our spouses would be as honest as yours the world would be a better place
Now you 
Have you read the First Aid Kit? It's on the General Board. Lots of advice and help, even if you don't think you need it...it's good to hear. It will tell you that you are the most important person in the marriage at the moment and you need to let yourself be vulnerable enough to talk to somebody about this. A good friend, a trusted family member. Not so much your wife, though she's important there are emotions that are probably better expressed to others
And we're here to help
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Agl03
- Member
Offline
Re: Wife came out as gay; preparing for separation
Welcome, and sorry you find yourself here but know that you are surrounded by many of us in similar boats at the various stages of all this.
I married my best friend and it was after 19 years of marriage that he told me a few months ago he was gay and has been questioning himself for over a decade. We too are moving towards separation and divorce but our situation is very complicated and it is going to take a long time to disentangle our finances, sell our family home, set up custody agreements, and a lot of really ugly stuff that it hurts to even think about right now. We separated bedrooms already but I can imagine it will be really weird when we move and go our separate ways.
I also suffer from severe anxiety and depression so I was already set up with Psych and Counseling before the bomb was dropped. I have stepped up my appointments with my Counselor and we are working on med adjustments with Psych. My anxiety has been in overdrive as well. I hardly sleep. I just lay in bed and my mind runs away with itself until I spiral into horrid panic attacks or crying fits. And its okay to not be okay right now. but I strongly suggest getting someone you can talk too and buildng the support network that you need right now.
i also do joint sessions with my therapist and my husband with the goal of working for a divorce with dignity. the first thing she said to us was that the word "fair" isn't allowed. Because what is happening isn't fair to any of us and there is nothing that will change that.
When my husband first came out I imagined I could handle living with him as he explored himself and we would take things super slow. that we would continued to function as our family to the eyes of the world. But that rapidly went down the tubes as he's become someone I don't know.
Just brace yourself that while you might want to continue to be in each others lives and stay friends, and she says that is what she wants right now, that often isn't the case. they want to go live the lives that they have been denied for so long and we are often what gets left behind.
Take care of yourself and know we are here for the good and bad days.
- Victo
- Member
Offline
Re: Wife came out as gay; preparing for separation
Get out. Don’t look back. Focus on getting what you deserve - a relationship where you are valued.
Be grateful you got out after such a short period of time. Most of the people on here have suffered decades of deceit.
You are as lucky as can be!