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July 14, 2022 2:42 pm  #1


My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

Long story short.
My wife (38) has always had relationships with both men and women before I met her. We married almost 9 years ago and proceeded to have two beautiful sons who are 6 and 3.5.
Our sex life had always been pretty hit and miss but after our second son, it became non-existent. Any attempt to understand what was going through her head was met with blank responses. She was very down on herself regarding her personal appearance etc.
Finally in December 2021, after a drunken Christmas party, she broke down in tears and confessed that she thought she was gay. I (48) half suspected this and we agreed that we'd let her explore her lesbian side. She had a few unsatisfying hook-ups in motel rooms during which - ironically - our sex life improved dramatically. 
In April 2022, she met her current 'friend' who is a very experienced butch male-looking lesbian. They hit it off and over the course of more meetings became closer and closer. Finally, last week, whilst on holiday in the UK visiting my family (of all places and times), she confessed that she was gay and she had no desire to sleep with any men (including me) again. She recommended a separation with a view to a divorce.
Obviously this has taken a huge toll on my mental health, especially with the idea of losing 50% of the time I have with my boys. I can also see a number of positives - the opportunity to form a better emotional and sexual bond with someone else who will appreciate me for who I am. But I am desperately in need of someone to talk to, reinforce my beliefs and just generally provide me with some coping mechanisms for what I'm going through. There is a feeling that she is getting everything she wants, and I am getting nothing. In fact, less than nothing. 
There is quite a bit more to this story - this is the abridged version - but any help or support would be gratefully received. 

 

July 14, 2022 3:09 pm  #2


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

I'm a woman so not sure if my take would be the same. There are a couple guys here I've seen posting. I hope they chime up for you this evening.
My emotional take is that you had some forewarning in a sense because you knew she was bi. Now, being bi does not mean being poly. Plenty of bi people are monogamous. But in this case you at least had an inkling.  So that puts you ahead of some of the pack emotionally. It doesn't make the next parts easier. The break up of a family is just plain lousy. 
As for what you're getting? You're getting truth, finally. She could have, as it appears some spouses do here, keep lying and cheating for decades. You're getting, as you say the chance to find someone else once you heal up.  This is hard stuff. I'm sorry you're going through it.

 

July 14, 2022 3:18 pm  #3


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

Welcome to our Forum S0lved. Good to see another Australasian  

I'm in New Zealand, like Grace I'm a woman too and know our situations must be slightly different but there are men here who know where you're coming from

Again....welcome

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 14, 2022 4:42 pm  #4


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

Hi, I'm from England and came to Australia as a young woman with my gay in denial ex who I stayed with for decades trying to make him happy, not realising who he was.  

Yes, it is most unfair to say the least.  And it's going to be a long haul to deal with the situation you are in now.

To cut to the chase, I am guessing that she will use your vulnerability over the boys to continue to get what she wants out of you, so determining a way you can cope with that could help a lot.

Last edited by lily (July 14, 2022 4:44 pm)

 

July 14, 2022 7:01 pm  #5


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

It's hard to find the positives when you see the life you knew imploding. Talking to someone about it can be very helpful. By that I mean some sort of trusted friend or family member. Also get professional advice. Before you make any significant changes, such as separation, find out what the law says first. If you find yourself struggling to function, look for some counseling options. An outlet is also a good thing to have. A hobby, a regular event you can look forward to, something that gets your mind on something else for a bit and positively interacting with others. Whatever you do, do not become the equivalent of the groundskeeper and child sitter while your spouse paints the town with new partners. Make sure they fulfill their share of the parental role.

There is a life ahead for you, just not the one you expected. Keep your eye on the possibilities, do not denigrate yourself.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

July 14, 2022 11:10 pm  #6


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

I dunno.  I fully and totally despise my piece of shit lying cheating Gay in denial narcissist ex wife. 

She destroyed me for bothering to love her.  Even after four years, I arrive at the kind of incredible fury and anguish as though it is still fresh.

Nothing I have to say right now could possibly help except for this shitty cliche:

Welcome to the club none of us want to be a part of.

 

July 15, 2022 12:33 am  #7


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

Thank you all for your comments and responses. 
For the positives, I have a good group of close friends who are helping me through and OurPath reached out straight away with a support person in Sydney straight away. I also run my own business too so that keeps me super busy.
I would love to talk to a female who has gone through this situation from the opposite side. My main fear is my trust levels with women in general are going to be pretty low and I don't want that to affect future potential relationships. Perhaps a female perspective could help me?
 

     Thread Starter
 

July 15, 2022 8:09 am  #8


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

ProblemedSolved.

Welcome,  sounds like youre doing all the right things.. support system is needed to get through this...

My view on trust is relative and 

My GX certainly made me feel all woman are gay or have same sex attraction, would hurt me,and were not to be trusted.
But then she also lied, cheated etc.   told me I couldnt cook etc.    Words spoken over us.    Toward the end she was and is so hurtful and horrible.  BUT, All other people I spoke with be it man, woman, child, animal were not just nicer but so more normal than her.
So in regards to trust  I took that to heart...in the beginning I thought I would never trust..  but then I realized even if I went out with someone,  they turned out to be gay, and dumped me..  they could never treat me as horribly as my GX..   
Don't worry about trust just yet and and don't use your spouse as a moral gauge.    There are a lot good, honest people in the world , as evident by folks on the this forum.   In time you may  find that "trust" is also 
your self love telling you something is not ok with this other person...and you have no need for that.     
Not something to worry about now..   just more hurt and words spoken over us.


 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 15, 2022 8:14 am  #9


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

I understand what you are going through When I found out that my ex boyfriend was gay, it was such a shock. We had no children together, so that was a plus. I stayed with him for a year because he provided a safe place for my 13 pound dog who had been bitten by a family members large dog. When I found this group, I thought that I had found a safe place among friends. One of the members was very very rude and told me to leave. I will never ever tell you what to do. I broke up with my gay ex and got married. The member who told me to leave is still with her gay man.............

 

July 15, 2022 8:25 am  #10


Re: My wife has come out as gay. An Australian man who would love support.

I’m sorry to hear this but stay strong. Me and my wife have been going through a similar thing. I found out that she like women late into our marriage after two kids. She started changing but knew something was off. We had a very active sex life like 2-4 four times a week. Unlike you she always claimed to be straight and nobody thought any different even her family and close sister. Later found out she had a girlfriend that she never told me about in high school were they would sneak to she each other. All I wanted was the choice to make my own decision but she hide this part of her life from me and resent me in some ways for her not being her true self. To be honest I’ve been trying to see if we can come back together but looking back I wish I ended it when I found out but probably like you I didn’t want to give up on her or my family. We use to be so close but we’ve been separated for awhile now about 2yrs. I would tell you do what best for you because she going to do what best for her and I know it sounds selfish but her focus will no longer be you. I know it hurts cause I would do anything for her and wanted us to grow old together. Stay strong and continue to focus.

Last edited by OpzRoguez (July 15, 2022 8:27 am)

 

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