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1 - RoseColoredGlasses
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Managing through to a split, need help!
I’ve been having very helpful exchanges with Sean in his “A gay ex-husband answers your questions” chain, as well as with some other straight wives here on the forum. Now that Sean has answered my questions (in some ways it was it the same question over and over again: “how can this be?”), I am going to take the wheel in my marriage of 30 years and drive it to a healthier place, which needs to be apart.
It’s so weird - I am clearly the injured party, I kept my vows and told the truth, he cheated and lied and cheated and lied again. Oh, and drank too much. And then drank too much again and again - but, when it comes to splitting up, he is alternately going to try to charm snd manipulate and or get angry and manipulate me…. use everything he can to keep me in place. I’m like the safe house from whence he ventures out to play/experiment. He wants it to come home to. But I don’t want to be half of a double life, period. It’s not good for the kids, either, feeling like they have to live with secrets and shame.
Time for honesty and pride, but he isn’t going there. So I have to drive. Help! I hate making people angry. Any advice out there?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
RoseColoredGlasses wrote:
I've never been a fan of a gay man having his own accepted 'place' in a straightspouse forum.
As for driving this....your mind has to be set on your goal. And to be prepared to not be bothered too much if you
make anyone angry because those aren't your emotions, they're somebody's response to something you have to do for your own security, safety and sanity
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Gloria
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Sean also helped me a lot through private messages
- Rob
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Rose
Up vote Elles post above.
Yes it's a hard thing to do. I look bsck at my marriage and while I didn't see the gay I saw the narcissism. I saw that I lived constantly in fear of making her angry.
It takes courage and stoicism.. a busload of faith and self love etc.
Your post concerns me though as your fear may be telling you also he could get extremely abusive. Please be careful and intelligent. I had a separate place in the house and kept my distance. I was literally saying no to her after decades of complying and giving her everything she wanted. It was shocking and scary to see her navigate my sudden late but necessary and moral courage.
An e-hug with sincere wishes of strength and courage.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
My advice.
Make all your arrangements before you tell him. Don't tell him until you have already seen a lawyer and arranged for a place to move (if you're moving out). When you tell him, tell him in a public place.
- Daryl
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Are you in separate living spaces? You will want a way to avoid the manipulation tactics. A lawyer also comes in handy for this. Anytime he wants to negotiate at the kitchen table, you can say 'talk to the lawyer' and walk away.
I echo Rob's concern above. Keep yourself safe. Alcohol and anger is not a good combination.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- RoseColoredGlasses
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Thanks so much, all of you. Rob, I do feel like I am in the same place, after having let his needs be the center of everything for so long, now it is going to take courage to focus on what I clearly see as the right path, and get there. Yes, I have a lawyer and a place to go on 9/1.
Another piece is that we have a troubled son, now 20 - Sean is right, Dad’s closet has been a terrible place for a teenage boy - and I need to get him to a safe place too now. Or at least help him as much as I can, at 20. And while I do think standing up for myself will help him, the logistics might get tricky? And my GIDH is very likely to use my son’s troubles to mask his own, and the role he played in creating them. I guess I share some responsibility for not have acting sooner to clear up the dysfunction but I tried! We’ve had a ton of counseling etc, but GIDH just uses that too to lie and manipulate and cover. No flies on him - he’s remarkably good at it. My teenage daughter is doing ok, but her passion? - Acting!
Eye on the prize. I’m thinking about Elle’s comment about a “gay” husband on the “straight” spouse site and I think I see why that surfaces or resurfaces pain, maybe. But having spent 5 years on this now - or 30? - it’s not about the orientation, it’s about the honesty. And for me, having people to help me think this through in an honest way - rather than my husband’s hall of mirrors - has been a great help, Sean in particular. I’m very grateful for everyone’s time and help. This is super hard.
Rose
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
Rose,
Hard and crappy as it is presently is, it sounds like you are doing a good job navigating this.
I had a "safe spot" in my house where the GX would leave me alone.. This allowed me to stay in the home to see my kids and not have to pay for 2 places. It was hell on earth yes.
My kids were teenagers. If its its any comfort they are doing ok now.. They just want a mom and dad... they still have both but at separate houses.. They a get a strong un-abused dad now..so much better for them. In the beginning I had to call them out for treating me like their mother... they learned not to do that. Your kids no matter their age need you now more then ever.. all you can do is be the consistent, steady, reliable mom they always had..like a stoic rock. No small feat with your husband blowing up the family and hurting you. When we fear for our safety and the the kids... This is one of those times when God is looking down and, when even a 4 year old, can see the difference between wrong and right...
Wishes of strength and stoicism.
Last edited by Rob (July 15, 2022 7:52 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- RoseColoredGlasses
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
“In the beginning I had to call them out for treating me like their mother... they learned not to do that. Your kids no matter their age need you now more then ever.. all you can do is be the consistent, steady, reliable mom they always had..like a stoic rock. “
Yes! This is exactly where I am and what’s going on. I’m kind of really a rock, maybe absorbing too much, and a rock who is mistreated by my son, disrespected, I guess either because he thinks his father treated me badly so it’s ok, or because he knows I’m the safe one, or some mix of the two.
I have another problem - I’ve protected my husbands reputation with his family, who we spend a ton of time with. They know nothing of the cheating, none of the mess except for they have seen the drinking to excess. I’m trying to get through this in a civilized way but it’s weird to feel like I’m part of a cover story. And I feel so isolated because of it too. Ick.
Oh well, all you can do is the best you can do, right? And I have to pick between the available alternatives. “Outing” him would cause a storm I don’t want (and also I do really love and care about him, so nuts, my partner of more than 30 years) so I guess just keep trying to get out myself, navigate to higher ground, is the best I can do. So sad. But real, which beats the charade. And maybe there will be a rainbow. Thank you again for being there, all of you here on this forum. It’s a lot of us!
Last edited by RoseColoredGlasses (July 15, 2022 1:20 pm)
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Thread Starter- Agl03
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Re: Managing through to a split, need help!
I am currently navigating the the split here. Mine too is resisting many of the major steps I have lined up that will lead to separation. Right now my current battle is the plan I came up with with our finacial advisor to take out shared debt. For him the more money I get my hands on (through saving money) is a larger risk of me pulling the trigger on something huge, like moving myself and the kids to a new house, before HE is ready. Because he coudl care less about what is best for me and the kids right now.
I also addressed part of this with my therapsit, in why didn't he just leave or lie for so long. And in that while he doesn't love me as his wife, I have been part of his life for so long, that I am home to him. Being around me is home, the home I created for our family is home, it is safe and comfortable, and he would prefer to keep that comfortable home base while he goes off and looks for his new future. He is well aware that once we take those next bigger steps he will have to pay substantial support and won't have that comfortable space he has now.
But you need to have a plan to make sure you and the kids are safe in whatever you decide. Talk with a therapist about it and if there are resources they have that may help.
It is not your job to keep his secret. I told my family and that forced him to tell his. Tough cookies it was hard and made them upset. Do you worry the IL won't support you or is it more how he would handle it. Because you don't have to deal with any of the drama that comes from it. You don't have to go to a family event until you feel comfortable. You can also arrange for the kids to see the IL separately without him.
If anything, knowledge is power. Knowing what your options are has been huge for me. I don't go forward with anything until I have a full on plan ready to execute. And a huge eye opener for me came as I have been fretting about affording two households once he's gone. But that's the thing...that is not my problem if he can afford a place or not. My concern is finding what I can afford with child support for me and the kids. He gave up the right for me to help take care of him with his lies and confession. What he does with what is left is his own issue