March 6, 2020. My husband came out as "bisexual". Just said it in the middle of a conversation. Complete shocker. I had no idea. Turns out he had been "struggling" for 4 years prior to this. I felt like I had been hit in the face with a frying pan. The amount of pain and devastation was unreal. 

Long story short, we did individual and couple's counselling. He begged me not to leave. I lived through hell. I had no attraction to a man with same sex attraction, so it took me over a year to overcome this. I worked my way through a lot of crap. I made him go to counselling and I told him he had to sort himself out. At the time, vulnerable as hell, I told him I could not handle the deception. And I repeatedly asked him if he was gay. I told him the one thing I could not handle was that if we stayed together and then down the road he basically just smacked me in the face with it. Like the first time. That if there was any question that he had to bring it up with me. That we had to discuss it, work it out as partners. And decide together where to go. I didn't care how much it would hurt. I made it clear I wanted to know. No more lies. He promised he would never do that. I asked him point blank several times...and every time he told me that no he wasn't gay. He wanted to make this work.

I struggled with trust. I have anxiety issues. I finally decided that, for this to work, I had to make a full commitment to the marriage. And, after 2 years, I finally trusted him again.

I'm sure everyone can guess where this is going. 2 weeks ago, the exact same thing happened. I'm sitting watching a tv show and he walks up and tells me he's gay. He can't make this work. He wants a divorce. My world tilted sideways. Apparently I was the only one committed to our marriage this whole time. 16 years.

No discussion. I even asked him, was it the marriage? Was it sex? What was the problem. Would he stay married but have an open relationship? All sorts of questions. He didn't want a discussion. It was only about what he wanted. He was done. Made the unilateral decision to end the marriage without even talking to me. And did nothing to try to make it work. 

I can't even describe my feelings. I'm a basket case. I feel incredibly used and abused. I also look at him and can't believe the monster I married. He's a stranger. My brain can't wrap itself around how he could treat me like this. I honestly trusted him. And the trauma is real. 

So now I'm left spinning and living with a man I'm madly in love with, who I find out was planning his out for awhile.