OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

June 28, 2022 7:05 pm  #1

Where to go from here..?

Hi all, 

Looking for advice and/or shared experiences. I have no one to talk to. My husband of 7 years (together 13) just came out as bi. The bisexuality does not bother me at all - attraction is attraction. How I found out though, was horrible. He admitted to two random hookups (oral) and has used dating apps to chat and talk sexually for a few months here and there (per him nothing emotional and nothing more than a few days). Dishonesty seems to be a pattern.. for years felt something was off, and something was off in our relationship too. I had even asked him about men as about 5 years ago he had been on a mens website - at the time he claimed it was nothing and he just wanted to explore.  He only admitted after I had evidence of all. 

Further complicated by the fact he has military PTSD. He seems remorseful, but also very depressed. I don't know what to do, because I feel like he could make bad decisions if I did choose to end things... the burden seems to be on me, when I am the one who was betrayed. 

He seems to have been honest *after* I found out and with my follow up questions. 
Also done a 180 with his actions for how thoughtful he is - planning things, being nice, taking the mental load. 
I have stayed very civil, understanding and concerned  so far given his mental health despite being cheated on and lied to my face for years.. 

My gut is telling me the good actions will fade once he gets comfortable again. I just don't know. Worth a shot at therapy? 


Last edited by bah1123 (June 28, 2022 7:05 pm)


June 28, 2022 8:17 pm  #2

Re: Where to go from here..?


OK, so he sounds like he is gay in denial to me - it's a thing.  

And I think you are correct, he is only going to revert to normal once he is comfortable again.

From everything you've said I feel like you should stop talking to him about it - let him be gay in denial, that is who he is - to keep his denial intact my ex would have thrown his mother, his grandmother and me under the bus any day of the week.  My guess is he is being nice to you wanting to protect his closet from attack.   

Hope you have a friend you can talk to?


June 28, 2022 8:41 pm  #3

Re: Where to go from here..?

Thanks for that perspective. I kind of thought the same. He says he did not enjoy the two hookups and wouldn't see himself being with a man, but, if he was dealing with guilt at the time that's a much different experience than being openly out.. so I don't think I can take his full word for it based on those experiences. And the fact that on the apps/websites he used, it was always men because he wanted to "explore it" and he "finds women attractive so can't be gay".. 

I have friends, however, both his and my close friend circles are very intertwined and I don't think I would want to burden a friend with having to keep this from their spouse in order to keep this under wraps for the time being while we sort out the initial things.. (as we know spouses tend to tell each other things). 

I think he genuinely wants to be a better person - but agree, he is denial. Told me he has had these feelings since he was a teen and just acknowledging them (~ age 30) - which goes to my next point - we have been together since the end of our teens. So he has never explored anything else but me and these hookups.. (or maybe others I don't know about..)

Last edited by bah1123 (June 28, 2022 8:42 pm)

     Thread Starter

June 28, 2022 8:43 pm  #4

Re: Where to go from here..?

Lily sounds hardcore but she is %100000000 right.

His denial is dangerous for anyone who knows his truth - including and perhaps especially those closest to him.

I recommend not following him into denial.


June 28, 2022 8:56 pm  #5

Re: Where to go from here..?

bah1123 wrote:

....... I don't know what to do, because I feel like he could make bad decisions if I did choose to end things... the burden seems to be on me, when I am the one who was betrayed...... 


The burden will be on you until you stop thinking you have to carry his. Because that's what you're doing. You sound like you're a supportive spouse who has actually been unknowingly supportive and accepting of his bisexuality (because I don't think he's just discovered he's bi) without knowing the full story.
Yip it's tough, it's a rocky tough road. Don't let him let you carry the load, this is his sexuality, this is his dishonesty, these are his decisions to be secretive. 

Do you have anyone to talk to? Don't keep this to yourself, it will grind you down. Keep posting, asking questions here. Therapy is an excellent idea for you. Personally I would advise you to talk to a therapist before you see a  couples counsellor

Warm hugs Bah....welcome to the Straightspouse Forum


KIA KAHA                       

June 28, 2022 9:44 pm  #6

Re: Where to go from here..?

thanks, Victo, and likewise

yes agreed, the social circle of friends are not the right people to confide in.  Family would be ideal to talk to if it's possible.  I told a friend, then I had a panic attack when it was time to go home.  So the next day I went to the doctor for a general check up and told him. 

You think it's guilt that makes him deny being gay?  I seriously doubt that, sorry.  

Gay in denial is a thing.  It's a way of life.  How does a hermit crab feel about it's shell?

I was 19 when I met my ex, he was a few years older than me.  I thought he cared about me but actually he really didn't.  only what I did for him.  By being his wife, from his perspective I was a part of his closet.  When he couldn't manipulate me as he wanted any more it was a sticky time.  So look after yourself the most you can.  Give yourself a hug at all times.  


Last edited by lily (June 28, 2022 9:45 pm)


June 28, 2022 10:41 pm  #7

Re: Where to go from here..?


You say the bisexuality doesn't bother you but perhaps you mean the concept of bisexuality.  That he's hidden this and lied to you goes far beyond being gay or bi or being a green alien.  Trust is broken and I don't know how one gets that back.  The anxiety can consume you..ie.  is he meeting a friend for a beer or to have sex?  Why should you have to wonder?  What proofs can he give that you are enough..we should be more than enough for our spouses..they should not have to explore outside the marriage. 

Definitely don't try to handle this alone..find a therapist,  counselor,  friend etc to help process it.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

June 29, 2022 8:07 am  #8

Re: Where to go from here..?

Your husband's story doesn't add up.  He says he didn't enjoy those recent hookups, but you caught him on a men's app five years ago!  That's a long time to be "not enjoying himself."  

In addition to support you get here, you also might benefit from the perspective on Chumplady.com.   She runs a website for spouses of all sexualities who've been cheated on (what she calls "chumps").   I learned a lot there about entitlement, etc, as well as my own chumpy tendencies.


June 29, 2022 11:53 am  #9

Re: Where to go from here..?


Whether you realize it or not right now, chances are high that you are not getting your fair shake in the relationship.

You have to understand that your husband’s primary relationship is NOT with you.  No matter what you think. 

His primary relationship is with HIS SECRET..

You are secondary to that at best.  From his point of view, your purpose in his life is to help him perpetuate HIS SECRET.

I hope you can see this and take the necessary steps to pursue your own needs.


June 29, 2022 6:05 pm  #10

Re: Where to go from here..?

Thanks everyone. 
A lot of good points and views / clarifying things. Thanks for all the resources. 
I've always felt secondary to something else despite all of his good qualities - this is starting to make alot more sense. I'm definitely not getting my fair shake. And seeing how he could have been acting this whole time in terms of attention/thoughtfulness/mental load after I discovered all of this when he decided to finally put effort- shows me he was fully capable this whole time - just had his interested elsewhere. 
I think I just need to focus on the dishonesty/cheating aspect of it. Someone who could look me straight in the face and lie/deny everything until I showed him the evidence I had. That's not something that's going to change. The good times were good, all the future plans adventures etc. But not worth this torment. 

In the meantime I am being supportive of him getting therapy for his mental health issues, accepting whatever his sexuality is, and healthy coping mechanisms. The lying has been a pattern for much longer than whatever he claims the 'meaningless' hookups were - and I don't think that's something that will get better long term. And I don't think he is being honest with himself as just bi as it has always been just men and I have apparently not been enough (he has never chatted with a woman on the apps). The more I think on it and look back - I think you all are exactly right. I have no obligation to get dragged into him - I did my part, above and beyond, and kept my vows. I don't need to go down with him. 

Sorry to all who have had to go through something like this. This truly sucks. 

     Thread Starter

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum