Hi,

OK, so he sounds like he is gay in denial to me - it's a thing.  

And I think you are correct, he is only going to revert to normal once he is comfortable again.

From everything you've said I feel like you should stop talking to him about it - let him be gay in denial, that is who he is - to keep his denial intact my ex would have thrown his mother, his grandmother and me under the bus any day of the week.  My guess is he is being nice to you wanting to protect his closet from attack.   

Hope you have a friend you can talk to?

Lily sounds hardcore but she is %100000000 right.

His denial is dangerous for anyone who knows his truth - including and perhaps especially those closest to him.

I recommend not following him into denial.

thanks, Victo, and likewise

yes agreed, the social circle of friends are not the right people to confide in.  Family would be ideal to talk to if it's possible.  I told a friend, then I had a panic attack when it was time to go home.  So the next day I went to the doctor for a general check up and told him. 

You think it's guilt that makes him deny being gay?  I seriously doubt that, sorry.  

Gay in denial is a thing.  It's a way of life.  How does a hermit crab feel about it's shell?

I was 19 when I met my ex, he was a few years older than me.  I thought he cared about me but actually he really didn't.  only what I did for him.  By being his wife, from his perspective I was a part of his closet.  When he couldn't manipulate me as he wanted any more it was a sticky time.  So look after yourself the most you can.  Give yourself a hug at all times.  

Lily

Last edited by lily (June 28, 2022 9:45 pm)

Your husband's story doesn't add up.  He says he didn't enjoy those recent hookups, but you caught him on a men's app five years ago!  That's a long time to be "not enjoying himself."  

In addition to support you get here, you also might benefit from the perspective on Chumplady.com.   She runs a website for spouses of all sexualities who've been cheated on (what she calls "chumps").   I learned a lot there about entitlement, etc, as well as my own chumpy tendencies.

Thanks everyone. 
A lot of good points and views / clarifying things. Thanks for all the resources. 
I've always felt secondary to something else despite all of his good qualities - this is starting to make alot more sense. I'm definitely not getting my fair shake. And seeing how he could have been acting this whole time in terms of attention/thoughtfulness/mental load after I discovered all of this when he decided to finally put effort- shows me he was fully capable this whole time - just had his interested elsewhere. 
I think I just need to focus on the dishonesty/cheating aspect of it. Someone who could look me straight in the face and lie/deny everything until I showed him the evidence I had. That's not something that's going to change. The good times were good, all the future plans adventures etc. But not worth this torment. 

In the meantime I am being supportive of him getting therapy for his mental health issues, accepting whatever his sexuality is, and healthy coping mechanisms. The lying has been a pattern for much longer than whatever he claims the 'meaningless' hookups were - and I don't think that's something that will get better long term. And I don't think he is being honest with himself as just bi as it has always been just men and I have apparently not been enough (he has never chatted with a woman on the apps). The more I think on it and look back - I think you all are exactly right. I have no obligation to get dragged into him - I did my part, above and beyond, and kept my vows. I don't need to go down with him. 

Sorry to all who have had to go through something like this. This truly sucks.