Ellexoh_nz wrote:

I don't know, is it just me? but there seems to be extra focus on "partners of transgenders". If partners of trans are straight why the need to distinguish them as separate from the partners of gay, bisexual, lesbian etc. And no  offense to all the straight partners because it was obviously a decision made in an office high up somewhere, not down here on the ground where you Grace have to live with a transgender...an identity who has been singled out to join you, the straightspouse, in the blurb at the top of the page of a site that's all about helping the straightspouse.

(are you listening to music Grace? I hate the sound of the A/C too!)

Elle
 

I have really good noise blocking headphones and love listening to my Pandora station. 
I don't know about the rest. 
I think in a way, trans is a bit more complicated. It's not only a change in sexual preference, it's a change in gender. And it seems that far more often the trans partner, whether they physically change or not, wants to stay in the relationship and be for all intent gay or lesbian with their spouse.  Gay/lesbian partners tend to leave. So maybe it's that.

I'm US based but also saw a lot of what you all have in that there is a lot things out there both good and bad for the person coming out.  It's the partners that are often left in the dust.  I know when I tell people in my life no one knows what to say to me.  I'm getting a lot of I'm so sorry, you have been together for so long, how could he do that to you, what are you going to do, and then I'm sorry again.  No one is equipped to help with something like this.

I went searching specifically for a support group online because I used one to get through my third pregnancy that I spent 20 weeks on bed rest and then had a baby in the NICU.  I wouldn't have made it through that without them so I actively wanted to seek it out again.  I needed a place to ask questions and talk to others that wasn't my therapist who is responsible for my emotional and mental health.  

You guys helped me see behaviors that he's exhibited and I excused or brushed off for years that were in fact major red flags.  And sometimes you just need to talk to someone who is going through something even in the same ballpark as you.  

Elle, just an observation. And the very last thing I want to talk about here is political anything. So for me it is what it is.

I passed this on to the powers that be. My understanding is that it is being addressed. 

Lily,  Something I realized very quickly is that he had built up an entire support network for himself that enabled and encouraged him coming out.  People he's been talking too and even meeting for god knows how long.  Some of them are what our therapist calls "Sparklers" or men he's been conversing with that now that he's free he wants to chase.   Like I have "internet friends" from my work and hobbies that I talk to every day, they are some of my closest friends despite being all over the place, so I know how easy it is to find yourself a network of like minded people if you are actively searching it out.      

He often throws "well so and so didn't have it go like this, or so and so's parents did this" and he/them had set himself up with that fantasy of what it would be like for him.  I still ask him every few days what did he wanted to achieve by taking the step of ending our marriage even if we have a bit before things are official.  He wasn't touching me intimately in any way and he'd been lying about where he was going when he met up with some of these guys (he did come clean about that after).  He could have carried on for a lot longer without me finding out.  For the most part he hasn't been able to tell me still. 

Best I can tell is his peeps had convinced him I'd be all chill with this (this man hasn't known me for 25 years and should have known better) and just keep things business as usual until he found himself a BF and was ready to move on there.  And I will say his support network has been giving him bad advice.  Something I am actively working on is not stopping him when they are leading him to step in it so to speak.  However, as time goes on I am leaning more and more into he crossed a line while I was out of town with the kids and feared I would find out so decided to get ahead of it.  He swears he doesn't but after decades of lies its hard to believe.  

I have to be careful when I do go searching for things.  Make sure I don't trigger a panic attack or get myself worked up over an issue I can't address for some time to come.  Which is hard.  We all need support and have questions, its even harder when we have to walk a minefield to find the answers or help we need.