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June 7, 2022 10:04 am  #1


update

well its been 26 months and couple of weeks since d-day. 
I don't know what to say really. we haven't communicated in over a year. I've not spoke to her girls in almost 2 years. she has moved on with her new woman. I hear they bought a house. when i found out a couple of months ago that she had sold our house, that brought a new wave of hurt. it is what it is i guess. 
I've dated. I've had sex. I've took trips. I've bought things. truly have lived for me for the first time in my life. 
the void is still there. the lack of trust still rages in me. 
am i unhappy/happy? neither. its like I'm in purgatory. i am no closer to wanting to give myself to anyone now, than i was 2 years ago. 
the pain is still there. she is still the first thing i think of when i wake up, and the last thing i think of before i go to sleep.
i still miss the life i had. terribly. even knowing that some or all of it was a lie.
i just turned 49, and i have loved and lost.
so now im just thinking that i only need me for my happiness, and why bother trying again.
anyways.
 


it is, what it is. 
 

June 7, 2022 2:06 pm  #2


Re: update

inkundermyskin wrote:

.......the pain is still there. she is still the first thing i think of when i wake up, and the last thing i think of before i go to sleep.
i still miss the life i had. terribly. even knowing that some or all of it was a lie.
i just turned 49, and i have loved and lost.
so now im just thinking that i only need me for my happiness, and why bother trying again.
anyways......

Ah.....you're not quite out of the storm yet. Hey Ink  
You're right.....about the waking up and going to sleep, happy/not happy, missing the life. The fact this is the one place you can come and we all know how you feel is hardly consolation but you'll suck it up like the rest of us and carry on because.....what else is there? 
There's this thing we have that makes us want to take our next breath, it's expectation I guess...of what will happen around the corner/tomorrow/next week

Are you still seeing a counsellor, talking to a good friend?

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 8, 2022 6:48 am  #3


Re: update

elle-
thanks for the affirmation. no, i am not speaking to anyone. i guess my excuse is finding the time, and right therapist. 
no, not speaking to friends or family about it. there are a few friends i have told, but not really opened up much. ive never told my family the real reason. well, i did tell one of my sisters. she is gay, so i opened up to her. she may have told my family, but no one has asked me about it. im a private person, and dont share alot to people in the real world. 


it is, what it is. 
     Thread Starter
 

June 8, 2022 11:54 am  #4


Re: update

Ink,

That's a lot of loss and trauma to carry.    If there is one thing I learned here and going through this is don't go it alone.  Definitely find a therapist.  Definitely reach out to family and friends.  Your life is far from over and there are good people out there.  I don't think God brought you this far only to stay in loss.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

June 8, 2022 2:00 pm  #5


Re: update

inkundermyskin wrote:

...... im a private person, and dont share alot to people in the real world. 

.

I love the "it is what it is" caption at the bottom of your posts because one can use it for just about every frustrating and challenging situation that one believes cannot be changed and must be accepted. 
But even though the Mindfuck has happened, you can't change it and actually you have to accept it....you've got to keep working on your own progress through post-Mindfuck and open up about it.
I don't know what my life would be like if I'd let myself be as closed off and silent as my partner is. But I knew almost at the beginning of all this that talking about it was necessary for my mental health. It was really scary opening up to my best friend then some of my family but it got easier and I became at ease as I realised this was my truth, this was my story and no-one has gone to my partner and spoken to him (that I know of) because he's a private person and people are wary/respecting/put off from engaging with him about personal stuff because I know it makes him uncomfortable.
I don't know you and the way your mind works but your privacy could be your stumbling block to move past all that contempt you expressed. Ask your sister if she's spoken to anybody in your family . She could be your conduit.

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 8, 2022 2:07 pm  #6


Re: update

Ink good to hear from you, I was just thinking about you the other day - how are you going, have you been able to cleanse your heart of love for the deceitful person who treated you so cruelly.  And her girls along with you - if I remember correctly you were sending gifts to them and they weren't allowed to talk to you not even a thank you card, but the gifts were accepted.  

Rob is right, you need to talk with family and friends, us too of course.  

your ex was intensely cruel to you, she sounded plain out nasty to me.  She is So Not Worth hanging your life up on.

But try telling your heart to stop loving - it's odd isn't it, the way the heart can overrule commonsense and even survival.  TBH, my first thought on reading your post, just from the feel of it, is that you have made progress - you sound like you're breathing a little easier.  

If you are like me then the thing that helps the most is me - caring about what happened to me, what I am feeling, the hurt I am in.  It is easy to think oh well he has to live with being gay in denial all his life, not so easy to count the bruises and see the malice in him.  

You were strong for her.  Somehow you need to put that strength around you and bring comfort to yourself.

I joined a bridge club.  In the early days I would gather myself up and go and sit in a chair and play cards and for a couple of hours I was pain free.  and the ratios have continued to improve.

At 49 you have a lot of living still to do, a real lot, could easily turn out to be some of the best days of your life.

 

June 12, 2022 1:17 am  #7


Re: update

Hey Ink, it's good to hear from you again! 

I'm sorry you're still feeling this way. Although I don't know the details, it's hard to believe she sold the house without consulting you. I agree that it may be better to voice this more with some of your family so they understand the situation you were in, even if that opposes your nature.

Your words resonate with me. I also still think about him before I go to sleep, and in the background of my thoughts during the day. After years. I've been generally single for a long time and what dating I've done I haven't found to be substantive. I've developed a lack of trust of people-- not just because of him, but because so many people support, and even facilitate, people who lie. 

I also follow the austere path of independence-- self-sufficiency. But I know by doing this I don't experience the normal sharing of feelings and experiences that others have. I'm actually concerned it makes me less humanistic, more an observer than participant to most people's "normal" life. But until I find someone I really want and feel safe to share with, I don't feel I have much choice.

Unlike others posting here, I'm wary of discussing this with others. I normally can communicate about  issues, but I feel like virtually all people other than immediate family shut me down on this topic, or just don't care (either about me or the issue, or both), or will label me as closed-minded without examining it themselves. In my experience, people side with and provide validation for the deceptive partner virtually always. Over the past few years, I've distanced myself from relatives and friends who are glad to explain away such others' actions. It demoralizes me that the majority of people call these people's actions and morals celebratory or acceptable while also themselves choosing to ignore the immense damage. I view them as unreflective facilitators of chronic abuse (violence). If people voiced loudly that the actions to a straight partner weren't okay, at least maybe the straight partner would get some of their fair share of amends. Not acceptable; worth losing the relationship, in my opinion. It's isolating.

It's also still very tough for me that the celebration and support of people coming out, to be free as "who they are", continues to be front-page headlines-- and part of my required work training-- while erasing the straight partner, the deception, the abuse. I'm an "environmentalist" so I compare it to environmental hypocrisy, greenwashing and climate denial. Truth is immediately there, but people filter via a rose-colored lens. It makes one happier and one's life simpler to ignore the grey. I still don't understand why people think this is moral. The lives of straight partners must be recognized.

I like philosophy. It can help deal with the challenges. But at some point, shared experiences can't be replicated-- we have to reengage. Without moving on, we lose those. I struggle with this step too.

Anyway, thanks for your post.

 

June 20, 2022 8:29 am  #8


Re: update

thank you all for the kind words. its always nice to get on here as a sounding board. ive avoided therapy for reasons i do not know. ive moved forward in life. job. material things etc.
i am as withdrawn emotionally as ive ever been. i dont think most people i interact with daily, be it friends, family, coworkers, notice. lot of people do ask me when im going to start seeing someone. 
i think the saddest people often do the best job at pretending. 
so as long as ive got them fooled!!!!!!!!!!


it is, what it is. 
     Thread Starter
 

June 20, 2022 2:00 pm  #9


Re: update

inkundermyskin wrote:

.....ive avoided therapy for reasons i do not know. ive moved forward in life. job. material things etc......
i am as withdrawn emotionally as ive ever been. i dont think most people i interact with daily, be it friends, family, coworkers, notice.......
i think the saddest people often do the best job at pretending. 
so as long as ive got them fooled!!!!!!!!!!

 

LOL....ditto ditto ditto! (even though I'm still in a SMOM)
I know I should see a counsellor, I've spoken in the Forum about it, but I don't want to have to *tell my story* to another stranger.
Withdrawn? Maybe just a loner, and to be honest I feel all the family/friends who actually know my story have lives of their own, problems, issues....they don't need mine on top of theirs. So I keep silent. I do have a darling friend visiting from the US next month. Oh boy! we're going to spend all the time talking. I'm going to make her my sounding board
And yes
I think the saddest people often do the best job at pretending too, but Ink....do you wonder if we weren't so sad that we'd stop pretending?

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 20, 2022 9:01 pm  #10


Re: update

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

I know I should see a counsellor, I've spoken in the Forum about it, but I don't want to have to *tell my story* to another stranger. Withdrawn? Maybe just a loner, and to be honest I feel all the family/friends who actually know my story have lives of their own, problems, issues....they don't need mine on top of theirs. So I keep silent. I do have a darling friend visiting from the US next month. Oh boy! we're going to spend all the time talking. 

Sigh, I also really don't like bringing my story to another therapist. People around me don't want to take on yet another issue. Or basically don't care. 

I sometimes wonder if I'm making myself part of the problematic victim narrative on the left. (Why don't I just move on? Why does it matter so much?). Now I feel silenced and I used to feel confident and authentic. I feel like rationality comes into question when his one-sided perspective "won". At least there's some calling out of one-sided perspectives inherent in this out there.

Enjoy the visit!

 

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