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June 2, 2022 9:26 am  #1

I look like the crazy one

My GID narcissist ex loves to control everyone around her.  In our marriage, she did this to me in order to protect her sexuality. 

Since the divorce, I have worked to not let her ever control me or my life again.  That went out the window at the beginning of the year when my ex submitted a project we had worked on together for a decade but which she has refused to allow progress on…. She submitted it and suddenly, I was faced with spending months to bring the project to fruition.  I pulled 100 hr work weeks in order to accomplish it.

In doing so, however, I did not get much of a chance to visit with my daughter. 

So my summer custody time is coming and the other morning, I start getting a series of texts from my ex suggesting all sorts of day camps I might enroll our daughter in during my custodial time.

Unbeknownst to her, I had taken time off and planned a series of fun activities to do with my daughter.

And so, I recognized that my GID ex’s suggestions were soooo beyond appropriate that I had to simply take a breath and ignore the whole episode in order to remain grey rock pleasant.

Unfortunately, she kept pushing and did so from a ‘I’m just trying to be a good parent and you are obv not” pov.  I finally responded telling her in no uncertain terms that she crossed a huge line but she then refused to see it and then told our daughter that I’m unreasonable.

If my daughter wants to go to a day camp during our time together, then my ex needed to encourage our daughter (who is 12) to speak to me herself.  Instead, my GID narcissist ex took it upon herself to try to control my time with my daughter.  And that made me upset.

So now my daughter is telling me to go to therpy because my GID ex can’t ever admit she is wrong.

This is maddening.

How on earth can I maintain my boundaries and my relationship with my daughter when my GID narcissist ex is so manipulative?

Last edited by Victo (June 2, 2022 9:27 am)


June 2, 2022 11:38 am  #2

Re: I look like the crazy one

Yep..its hard to coparent with a narcissist.

12 is an in-between age where the kids don't always talk to us indivually.

Even older my kids keep things discrete about what is going on in their mothers house...I really don't want to know most of the time. 

Yes your ex is an ass as she darn well knew it was your time when she was scheduling the kids camp..the kid just goes along or wants to go. Best you can do now is try to get some more time with her at your neext schedule cycle..while she's away schedule something for yourself.   The kids will need us and we sometimes need to hide our hurt from them...hurt our exs keep giving and giving.  I know of no way to get them to communicate and coordinate .   All you can do is be there for your daughter despite the hurt the ex inflicts..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

June 3, 2022 11:19 am  #3

Re: I look like the crazy one

I have witnessed these interactions with the narcissistic lesbian mother the separated straight father and the child - it was distressing even as an unrelated bystander and the observation I made was that the mother was just as manipulative, just as much of a user with her child as with the father.  So grey-rocking it is as good as it gets I think - you don't involve her at all in keeping your boundaries, you know she wants to transgress them so stay pleasant and non-committal and as soon as you find you are defending yourself, just pull back and stop.

It's just very painful, Victo.  But you are still a good father and that's the facts of it.



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