Whatsername,

Welcome.. so sorry your second husband turned out like this.
  First, Do not blame yourself..this is all him.  We love and trust but they seem to have no problem hurting us.  He is especially horrible knowing your past..make sure he knows that..also tell him his "kink" is not something a normal straight male does..its just not normal for us.

I have no experience with trying to make it work as my cheating GX did not want the marriage anymore.    It's a hard thing..ask what proofs he can give you that he can change or stay straight.  Ask him what proofs he can give that he won't hurt you again.
Do not beat yourself up..the stress and anxiety from lack of trust is not of your making and you deserve not to have it.

Post here as often as you need. Wishing you strength and courage.

HI, yes this is a good place to have found.  I was married to a gay-in-denial from an early age and didn't leave until my 50's.  You want to know who came calling?  other GID men.  They hear you say I was married to a gay man who was in denial it was unbearable but I got away and I think really all they hear is sounds like she could make a good beard for me now.

I remember what it was like in my 40's - there was this feeling of oh I am over the hill now and too old to start a family and this is comfortable well just take the sex out of it but I was more interested in my artwork anyway.   

I built a 3ft high terracotta clay sculpture of a woman, this took time effort and courage.  It was pretty much dry and ready for the kiln and then I come into the studio in the morning and it has fallen over during the night.  There was no credible explanation for it happening but I figured it must have overbalanced as it dried, even though that didn't make sense as it was too dry for that to have possibly happened, but it must have, right, what else could have happened.  I built another 3ft sculpture, this time of a man and there is no way no way it could have overbalanced, but it did.  same thing happened.  It is only with hindsight that the obvious explanation came to mind.

and this I think illustrates what is was like to stay.  Once I'd become emotionally separated from him I would start to thrive only to feel like I'd been ankle-tapped, over and again.  writing that story out I started to think imagine how I would have felt if those sculptures had been successful - it would have made a world of difference for me, I can't believe I kept going but I did.  The next one I did she was about 4ft if she stood up but I built her sitting down. 

Your story and mine are similar (see "twice in a lifetime" in the bottom section where folks tell their stories)
You're not alone. Believe me.
My 1st was gay, my 2nd of 21 yrs a Xdresser who now says he's gender fluid or trans, he doesn't know.
I moved into my own bedroom, split the finances in half to protect myself and am on a list for low income Senior housing. My age and disability may mean I have to stay. If so, we'll be companions.
If you can live with his kink and he's still someone you want to live with, at least protect yourself financially. I split the savings and put them into accounts in only mine and his names with each other as beneficiary. In case he goes off the deep end I will be able to have my small amount to move forward.
This group has taught me that there is more than one answer. Also that the anger and grieving for the marriage you thought you had comes in waves.
I've found journaling and talk therapy helpful.
Wishing you peace

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  I'm still relatively new here but this group has been a god send in helping me not feel alone, talk my feelings out, and give advice.  Our partners are all well into their journey had had years to build up their own support network around their secrets so are in a very different place than we are nor can they fathom what they've done to us.

My husband of 19 years confessed he was gay two months ago.   In my initial shock my battered mind convinced myself that we'll just keep plugging along for the kids and out of my fear for being left without health insurance/money and the crushing rejection of someone I thought loved me.  I would just accept that he would be exploring another aspect of his life and new partners, and we'd take things slow if he met someone he wanted to move forward with.

Then the shock wore off, I got pissed, I got help from my therapist and doctors, and I began the process of physically and emotionally separating.  I will not allow him to surprise me like that again and I will do what I have to do to make sure myself and my kids are taken care of.

Financially, we are stuck for a bit.  I am waiting to hopefully get on disability and the housing market around use will not allow for two households on the budget.  However, we are lucky enough to have a MIL Suite so he moved there allowing us separate bedrooms, bathrooms, and he even has his own living space in there.  He does come out some evenings so sit with us but he does not help outside of his rooms at all. 

 Emotionally i cut myself off from him best I can.  He didn't like that either but tough cookies.  It is hard, I get that.  He's been by best friend for over 20 years, we've been through hell and back together, and no matter how much he's hurt me its hard to see him hurting.  But he gave up the right to my support as a wife with his confession and actions.  10-20 years of lying is just the tip of the iceberg.  

I have opened my own bank account and have a small stash in there from my side hustles.  The first step to me having some financial independence and I made sure to do it right and he knows I did it.  I don't need to see him spending money on other men when I go pay bills and he doesn't need to know what I'm doing with my money.  I have reworked our family budget upon the advise of my therapist and we are supposed to both start getting allowances for spending each month outside of the family budget.  This is something we are still hammering out.

Its okay to feel all the things.  Some days we have a good day and things feel like they were and other days are a nightmare and he calls me names while I want to throw him out.   I am leaning heavily on my mental health team and we are working on my meds.  I understand the mental health struggles. My mental health has been rough for a few years thanks to a couple of near death experiences, health struggles, PTSD, managing end of life care for a parent, depression, and anxiety.  I am aware and honest with myself about those struggles and I accept that you don't go through the things I have without it leaving some damage behind.  In mental health being a priority that meant cutting him off emotionally.  I don't have the emotional real estate to deal with his and my stuff. Its okay to put you first here and don't let him or anyone else tell you otherwise or let them reduce your struggles with unkind words.  

I can't believe he told you his therapist said that.  But I get that to from mine, I think they feel the need to defend their actions by feeding us what their support network is giving them.  I hear things being parroted to me, how x's family dealt with it/supported him.   Another thing is he's had his support network a whole lot longer than you have even been aware of his secret.  The support network will continually affirm "they did nothing wrong" and that "we need to accept/support their truth".

I will say since I started actively taking back control it has helped me cope better.  By nature I'm a fixer/planner.  That way I'm not waiting for him to hit me with another bomb.  Instead I have a plan and even more importantly I have knowledge  I read up on my rights in a divorce/separation and options for our separation that would allow me to keep health insurance through him.  I have been in zillow house shopping, figuring out what that smaller home will cost, seeing what is the minimum he'll need for his own place.  I set firm ground rules for his dating in its impact on the kids.  He tries to gaslight me or make me feel like I'm being unsupportive or cruel....I see it as taking care of myself and my kids and there is nothing wrong with that.  

We are here for you anytime.