lily wrote:

tbh, Daseal, I think she must have known - can you imagine getting through puberty without feeling attracted to a woman?  same for her.

Normally what we see is that the point at which the gay in denial spouse does not want to have sex with their straight partner any more is the point at which they have already formed a romantic bond with a same sex partner.  

I cannot emphasise enough, talk to friends, talk to your family get out of the marital twosome communication and get some outside influence on the ground, not just here.  Don't agree to anything right now - you need time to process this.  she has set the timing, now you need to push back, take the time you need to find your feet rather than follow her agenda.  

See the thing is, if she cared about your well being then she would be encouraging you to talk to your family and friends now - you need their support.

Well said!.....you're so good at this Lily
 

I'm sorry you are gong through this  I'm just two months out from my husband of 18...will be 19 years next week dropping the bomb on me. 

First and foremost for me was therapy, I called my therapist first thing the morning after.  I know many on here are mixed about the use of couples therapy, and honestly after our last one I see why, but i got us immediately into couples therapy to help with ending our marriage with dignity and respect.  She is also my personal therapist that I was already seeing and bumped up my sessions.  

The others are right on. that she has had a long head start on this revelation.  My husband confessed to me he'd been having these feelings for 10 years, yet I've overheard him on the phone with his parents saying 20 and yeah do the math on that one.  I am reminded each and every day that he has been working up to this and has a support network and friends I had no knowledge of.  I also firmly believe something happened while I was away with the kids that triggered his sudden revelation.  

I understand the roller coaster.  Numb, shocked, hurt, betrayed, fear, angry at him, angry at myself, angry at these hidden people in his life that helped him implode our life, ready to throw him out, ready to deal with living with him until the housing market calms down, empathy, apathy, and everything in between.  it also set my anxiety off in a way I didn't think existed.   You are allowed to have these emotions.  Don't let them, who has had who knows how long to plan this, take that away from you or gaslight you.  You can be scared, you can be angry and whomever you want to be angry with, and you can not trust her anymore.

He coasted off of the shock for a bit and now that I've recovered a bit of my wits he's remembering what happens when I realize action needs to be taken.  I'm a fixer, he surprised me, completely threw our lives away, and the future i planned/envisioned is gone.  I will not be taken by surprise again and will do what I have to do to take care of myself and my kids while he goes and does whatever he's going to do. 

My initial steps are little, therapy, guidelines for his dating (IE they are NOT to meet the kids without meeting me first and my EXPLICIT permission.  But for my sanity I don't need to know if he's going to game night or out with someone else.  Ironically he dictated nothing to me should I want to explore a new relationship.), working on separating finances and setting up a new budget (I'm thinking of it as pre alimony for him), separating our lives within our home (we are lucky enough to have had a house with a MIL suite that He has moved into.  So we are under the same roof with the kids but have our own spaces).   The new bedroom thing was the first thing he fought, but my Doctor and Therapist told him that was what needed to happen and was best for both of us.  His fantasy seems to be he would tell me this, absolutely nothing would change except he could peruse men now, and everyone would accept this revelation with no issues and it would all be sunshine and rainbows.  

I am deep in research of Separation vs Divorce.  I have a number of medical issues and can't work.  I've been trying to get on Disability for two years now and have at least another 12 month wait for a hearing.  Someone like me, with the issues I have, can't not have health insurance.  And buying the level of health insurance off of the exchange is the price of my mortgage.  So a separation agreement is likely the better route for me as it will allow me to stay on his health insurance.  But that is one of this nasty tasks that we need to take our time tackling and nothing has to be done this second. Again, I just need to be ahead of the game should he sit me down in two weeks and announce he's moving three states away.  

Something that I hope to achieve in therapy is getting him to finally tell me what he sees the future looking like.  I don't know if you've asked her that question yet and I know its insanely hard, because initially i feared the answer. 

Everyone on here has been an incredible resource and has helped me so much.  Know you are not alone.  And lean on your support network as much as you need too.

Thanks again everyone.  Right now I believe she really didn't know up until recently.....but that could be denial/my hopes.  She's always been a very straight forward, introspective person, so I have to tell myself she would never let things get this far purposely.  She says there is no particular "other" person, and I want to believe that.    But then again, I obviously have issues trusting her right now.  I find myself doubting everything when she says she "running errands, or getting coffee".    To her credit, she has definitely been encouraging me to talk to others and get counseling.  Still not sure what emotions I'm feeling exactly, so trying to just let them freely come and go without holding back.  

Man, human emotions are a complex mess aren't they?

Ag103, I met someone after I broke up with gay boyfriend and fell in love and got married three months later. I think it helped me deal with the pain. There is someone out there who will love you and only you. I am holding a good thought for you.

I'm a woman - I remember at the age of ten sitting under the table with my brother's friend and we were kissing.

fast forward to puberty - oh for heaven's sake, there were several boys I was attracted to.  I have never felt attracted to a girl, it was boys I felt attracted to, it's a thing, it's magnetic, the look between you and the awkwardness!

It's not something you can avoid noticing, is it.

same sex attraction between women is largely covert.  Doesn't mean they don't feel it.    

I can imagine there could be some confusion in your early teens as to what it means exactly considering there is so much denial and then everything around you seems to be about heterosexual relationships, including family life and reproduction.

But what Sean says and is what I hear from gay men frequently is that they knew from a young age.  and I don't think it's much different for the women.

It's really delicate -  you will feel more your normal self again as the initial shock wears off - but there's a whole deeper layer of implication that is set off.  The way I saw it was like a bolt of lightning that lit up the landscape of my past as well as my present and then it was a process of coming to terms with the whole different view of my life than I had previously had.

Main thing is to trust yourself.  and take the time to sort the flyshit from the pepper, as they say.