Hi,

I haven't been on here in awhile.  Thought I'd give an update for anyone who is curious.
Last I reported I had realized his behaviours were controlling and I wasn't aware of it.  Well I don't think he did either.  He seemed deeply and honestly sorry/ashamed.  At first he's did the typical deny/dismiss until I pushed back and calmly explained it from my perspective.  He made an appointment with a counselor and we both went.  Then she asked to see both of us on our own, so we both went separately.  This week we have an appointment together.  
Separating is not off the table, I've made that clear.  Things have normalized but I've reminded him that I just don't know that he can keep up a sustained change regarding his behaviour.  I've also insisted he figure out how to discuss TGT with me.  We did have a talk about it, again deny/dismiss at first until I pointed out what he was doing, he stopped doing it but then he mostly listened to what I had to say (finally).  Not really adding to it except to say he doesn't think it's something he would actually want to do, from his drunken ramblings I disagree and I said so.  I think he is genuinely confused.  Here he is in love with me, and yes I do believe that, but he has sexual urges for men too.
I am going to continue with counselling on my own with my own separate counselor.  I've come to realize some things about myself that had not occurred to me before.  Like my experiences with men (apart from my wonderful family) have been terrible which I think explains a lot about what led me here.  I've been targeted by men my whole life intimidated, assaulted, harassed, then I meet this guy who's not a predator, who's nice, and funny who feels safe.  I always thought that it wasn't a surprise he had female friends, they feel safe around him because he's not predatory and I wasn't concerned he would cheat on me with them.  I just didn't connect all the dots before that what draws them to him is what drew me to him too and what that reason actually was.  Maybe that's why women enjoy having gay male friends, they get a male friend without the worry that they have a hidden agenda, or maybe that's just me and why I have so many!  

Anyway, separation is still very much a possibility I don't want a gay spouse if it turns out he's gay, but for now I'll see where counseling leads with my eyes open.  I also don't want 10 years to pass before he figures it out so I'll need to decide if progress is being made, if he's truly making an effort to determine where he is on that spectrum.  Discussing TGT with a counselor is a stipulation in moving forward, and he knows this.   We have 2 little kids so at the very least counseling will help us to raise them better together or separate.

Vicky

Vicky, your post is so hopeful and fantastic.  Counseling seems to be a huge support for you.  It was one of the best things I ever did while living with him.  It opened my self-awareness of what I was accepting into my life.  I hated what my counselor told me, but I find myself repeating it, even so many years later. "What you allow, is what will continue.".  Gosh I hated that phrase.  
My ex came home often and cried about how confused he was, that life seemed so hard for him.  That he didn't understand why a "gay guy" hit on him at the gym.  Then he pushed for sex and more sex, and babies, and brought flowers, and tried so so hard to be something he wasn't.  Looking back, it makes me so sad.  Finally, it was me who said, "I think you're trying too hard to love me.  I think you're doing the best you can.  But you can't love me in the way that I need, because you can't love a woman in the way she needs.  You can't help that.  But you can help your behavior towards me.  Don't be an asshole.  Let this go."  Really.  I said that.  It's surreal to think I did.  Of course he protested, said he loved me, said we were married, said he wanted a family, but I knew in my gut I had to be brave and move forward, or accept that what he was giving was what would be my life (and eventually our kids).  I wanted more for myself.  So I had to leave, and did. He begged me to stay, and he came to where I lived to ask me to come home.  I didn't.  I never returned. 
I'm sharing because it's my experience, not because it has to be yours.  What you are doing is so brave, Vicky.  You are looking at your life, you are communicating with your spouse in the best way you can.  And that is fantastic.  And that is something HUGE. Keep speaking your truth.  That's all you have right now, and trust your gut.  This group is here for you.  Keep sharing, keep leaning. 

Peace to you, Vicky. 
 

Vicky,
   Because my husband has declared he's transgendered, I've been holding off from counseling, fearing that I'd be lectured by a counselor for not being understanding, but what you have said about your own sessions shows me that finding a counselor who is supportive of me (rather than seeing it a duty to "educate" me on trans issues) is possible, and has moved me closer to making that move. 
 
Maresyd, 
   The phrase you heard from your counselor, and have found yourself repeating, "What you allow, is what will continue," is a powerful one.  I wonder whether it would be a good idea to create a thread on which we can all contribute other phrases we've heard from counselors that have been revelatory and important.
I've been in counseling three times in my life, and heard a few phrases that have been important for shifting the way I see things:

"People don't change behavior that serves them unless they're made uncomfortable."  
     This one is another way of phrasing what you said, Maresyd, that "What you allow, is what will continue."  This helped me see that if I want my husband's behavior to change, I can't stay silent in the face of it.  My husband was crossdressing in the mornings before work, after saying he would confine his crossdressing to the bedroom, and as long as I didn't say anything about it, he wasn't about to come to me to ask if it was ok--he was getting what he wanted, and he wasn't going to say or do anything to make it less likely he could continue doing what he wanted.  So I had to speak up, and so I did; at first he subjected me to some gaslighting about it, but I met his attempts with logic and forcefully, and stopped doing it.  His sexual orientation has not gone away, but at least it's not in my face all the time, and has made living in the same house easier for me (I need to live here as long as I can for financial reasons).  

"You'll change when you get tired enough of where you are."  
     This was said to me by a therapist to whom I was complaining that here I was again, going over the same tired old ground, and how I knew how pathetic that was.  It has helped me remember that knowing something isn't the same as realizing it.

"What are you getting out of your [anger...fear...other emotion]?  
   This phrase helped me see that I benefited, and not always in healthy or productive ways, from the feelings I had that I believed were the proper responses to others' behavior.  I wanted to believe, for example, that my anger was a response to what my father, who killed himself, had done.  I hated being angry all the time, and knew that not only wasn't it good for me to be angry, the person I was angry at wasn't being affected in any way.  Hearing this made me realize that I was getting something out of--deriving some benefit from--my anger.  It made me feel I was in the right, and I then wondered why I felt as if I needed to feel that way.  My anger was hiding feelings of guilt and responsibility, and it was letting me off the hook for doing some things I needed to do.  Essentially I was telling myself that It wasn't my fault I couldn't do something I dearly wanted to be able to do, it was his, because he'd damaged our family.  My anger, then, was letting me off the hook for my own actions.  Once I understood this, I was able to confront my own limitations and act to do the thing I wanted to do.

Anyone else have phrases to contribute?

"The second chapter of your life is up to you to create."

How about "If not now, when?"