OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - Jackie3
- New member
Offline
New here :-(
Hi everyone.
Just found this site today. I married my husband when I was 22, and found out shortly afterward that he was transgender (mtf). I've kept his secret to myself for 7 years now, and it's kind of starting to kill me. He's not ready to come out yet, as he is afraid it will impact his career and his relationships with everyone. But in the mean time, I know, and it really hurts to carry this in silence.
At first I stayed married to him because I was in denial, and then I stayed because we had a baby, and then because having been raised in an extremely conservative community, it was considered a serious sin to divorce your spouse (then again, so is being in a homosexual relationship, so I'm kind of screwed either way.) And then I stayed because I've known him my whole life, he's my best friend, and we parent well together.
On and off I've hoped maybe I could discover that I was bisexual and everything would be fine. But I don't think I am, and everything is not fine.
I don't feel like I can ever fully trust my spouse after the things he hid from me. Every day I feel so torn...I love how happy he is as he comes more fully into a female self (dresses as a woman at home, acts like a woman at home etc). I'm happy for my spouse. But I feel like I've been a widow for years, and no one even knows I lost my husband. Every time I look at my spouse, I see this reminder of the husband who isn't there, and it's so hard.
I guess I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for reading.
- Sue
- Member
Offline
Re: New here :-(
Oh, Jackie.
You express yourself so beautifully, and I know it takes a lot of courage to talk about this. I found out ten months ago that my husband of 20 years is gay. We have 3 kids. He walked out on me and had a boyfriend within 6 weeks. It's been the most painful, horrific experience of my life.
Jackie, you sound like you already know the situation you're in isn't for you. I like the way you describe mourning who your spouse was (or who you thought he was) as he changes genders. I feel the same way every time I see my gay husband. He looks and acts different. It's like the people we loved died. Even though they weren't who they truly were at all, they were who we fell in love with.
I think you'll find a lot of support on this site and a lot of helpful advice. One of the things that helped me the most was seeing similarities in my story and others, which helped me know when I was being gaslighted, emotionally abused, or wrongly blamed by my spouse. You will also get feedback from people who were stuck (or chose to remain) in these relationships for 30 or more years. They will tell you the earlier you walk the better. But they will also respect your choices. Please keep posting. This site is a lifeline. No one who hasn't been through this can truly understand. It's not like a marriage that unravels over time due to two heterosexual or homosexual people being in a relationship that doesn't work out. The straight spouse/LGBTQ relationship and breakup has so many more layers --- and a lot more pain. Praying for you tonight. Hope to hear more from you soon.
Last edited by Sue (June 24, 2016 8:59 pm)
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: New here :-(
I think the trust thing did it in for me. My lezex would go out with her girlfriend..maybe meet her for shopping... is it just a shopping or is it a date? Why would you meet someone at 11 pm if it's not a date.
But then she was conducting her affair on her cell phone lo g before that..looking at her phone later i could her calling me an a hole..while she was sitting with me.
The mistrust will eat you up. It will make you shake. It doesn't matter how well they treat the kids if they lie to you.. you will get physically sick. .your gut or bones or whatever you call it..your soul...knows you are being lied too..mistreated.
I was I shock for a long time.. but I'm almost away from this now. I do not think anyone deserves to be lied to and to have such a fundamental thing such as trust taken away from them.
I personally want a normal marriage or life..not one that is a lie and where I'm treated like garbage. I'm a really kind and good person so it's not like I deserve any of it.
Be compassionate to yourself and hang in there.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- jk
- Member
Offline
Re: New here :-(
I am the ex of a mtf husband and can totally emphasise with how you are feeling. I am currently going through a bit of a crisis as I did not get any help when I became aware and my partner transitioned. As a result I have never fully recovered. I have at last found a therapist who does listen to me rather than feeling out of their depth. I think you live in USA? you should much more easily be able to access appropriate help and support and I humbly suggest that this is what you should be seeking. I so wish I had been able to as I am sure that would have made a huge difference to me. I have also done an extensive search for helpful literature and would be happy to share references with you if you wish. You seem to be happy for your partner but is your partner aware how you feel? You also need to live your life and be happy! Writing on SSN is a great start to moving towards a happier future.
Coincidentally I am seeing my therapist today so need to go out soon. This is just a very quick note to let you know you are not alone. You are in my thoughts. I will write at more length later.
Take care of yourself.
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: New here :-(
I get all your reasons for staying. We've all used the same excuses ourselves - denial, fear of fallout from family and friends, fear that we'll harm our children by breaking up the union, and lastly, fear of losing our best friend. But I'd submit this for your consideration - a best friend will not put you in this position. A good friend will not ask you to keep their secrets for them unless it doesn't affect you at ALL to do so. They will not ask you to lie to others for them. And that's exactly what your husband is doing. He's saying that he wants you to accept him for who he is, but essentially forces you to lie to others for him. By doing this, he's making HIS secret YOUR secret. He should either decide that changing his orientation/identity is something worth doing, or NOT. Choose one, not both.
What's he going to do once your child is old enough to tell others that Daddy is always dressed as a female at home? Is he going to require your child to start lying to others for him, too? Is that okay with you? Is it okay with you that your child grows up in an environment where they learn that the male should have what he wants, but the female can go unhappy and lonely to make that happen? Is your marriage one that you want to hold up to your child as their model for how their own marriage should someday work? Can you really parent a child well if you aren't truly happy? I thought I could. And a few years ago now - after I'd divorced my gay-in-denial ex and gotten re-married, my kids told me that I was so much happier now - and that I laugh sooooo much more. That I'm not the same person. I never would have known. I knew I felt happier, but I didn't realize that I'd been unable to hide my unhappiness from children so poorly before. My daughter describes it as "you used to be just..... there. Now you have so much more life." This from a 12 year-old. Don't think you can hide your unhappiness and lonliness from them - their gut knows, just like yours does.
You can still be happy for your spouse's happiness if you break off from a relationship with him. You can still co-parent well together. And all you have to say to your uber-staunch church is that he was a cross-dresser and wanted to fully transition. That he was already a female at home. Trust me when I say that even saying "He was gay" is usually enough. He's not interested in fighting these urges. The church does understand that you continuing on in the marriage under those conditions is essentially accepting that behavior. Trust me when I say that the church does NOT want a cross-dressing father at home raising a child.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Andy
- Unregistered
Re: New here :-(
Hi all
Been with my wife 10 years only married for one year. We have 2 kids a boy and a girl. And after my wife felt I was controlling and she didn't see her friends much due to us both working full time and she had postnatal depression she has always been a weak person and always bottled things up instead of talking. So on Mother's Day this year she decided to sepperate and go to her mums with the kids and I was so hurt I begged and pleaded with her to come home. Wat seems to have pushed her away further. She started going away at weekends while I had the kids . Then she said she needed to come back to the house as the kids where unsettled at her mums so I moved out. She told me she was going to her close friends house at weekends and I believed her. She began getting very ill and depressed as I was still trying to get her to come back. At this time I was sorting myself out through counselling and she was giving me hope of one last chance. She passed out at work and also go shingles due to stress. And then I find out she has been hanging around with a gay guy and his friends from the office she works at. And turns out she has been seeing a women from the navy she met through him the whole time I'v known about her she just said they are just friends. But yesterday she tells me they are together and she don't want to talk to me anymore unless it's about the kids. I feel so ill it's killing me I can't even look my kids in the eye at the moment as all they talk about is her new girlfriend even tho they just think she is a friend. I feel so let down. Please help
- Todd
- Unregistered
Re: New here :-(
I'm very sorry, Andy. When I read your post a few words immediately entered my mind: "same song and dance." I was told I was too controlling also. It's always someone else's fault...
Others here will tell you much more eloquently than I will, but it will get better and it's not your fault.
I'm thinking of you.
- Andy
- Unregistered
Re: New here :-(
Thanks Todd
She made it feel like my fault and done a good job then decided to be with her the live abou a 5min walk from my house I feel like going over and have to stop myself all the time as it will make matters worse I don't know how her new women can just be around my kids knowing what it is doing to me.... Her mum says she thinks it is a mistake and believes she will regret it lol I think she is still in denial
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: New here :-(
Andy,
She sounds like she has a lot of issues. Its very important for you to remain strong for the kids. Work on steps to take care of yourself so you can take care of the kids. Small steps each day to be kind to yourself. you need to get away from her illusion that your at fault. The kids need a strong adult parent..our gay spouses are not it.. they will NEVER put the kids first ..it is all about them.
You did not cause this. It is not your fault.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Andy
- Unregistered
Re: New here :-(
Thanks rob
I'm so want to be there for them but at the moment I'm in a bad way a feel sick of the thoughts of them together and it's tearing me apart