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May 17, 2022 7:13 am  #1

A Rant

I don't know where to post this really. I feel horrible typing this. But I have nowhere to say it. I don't even need a reply, I guess I just need to think someone has read it. 

I’m so lonely, I’m so damn isolated. Why does no one get it? Why doesn’t my new partner get it? Why doesn’t my family? My friends? Why do I have to find ways to explain it to them in a dialogue that makes sense to them, to dance around the issue so that people don’t judge me? Why should anyone judge me? I did nothing wrong. My partner’s repression, hard as it must been and I do recognise how tough it must have been, led to years of misery, years of coldness, of gaslighting that I never knew the reason for. They treated me just well enough that I fought for them, for our marriage, but not so much as to actually show me the love I craved. The manipulation was deliberate and in the cold light of hindsight I see it was there for so long. Now they’re gone and I’m left to deal with this and no one seems to get it. Why can’t I be angry? Why can’t I think they were scum and those that think it was ok to do what they did aren’t much better? Why must my experience be something I need to “work through”, to fix, why are my feelings invalid? Why is their coming out celebrated and my pain an inconvenience? I’m sick of it. I’m just sick of it. I don’t want to feel this way. I never hated anyone before. I don’t hate anyone now except myself but no one listens. No one cares. No one let’s me be what I need to be to move past this. And then people want me to talk but then they just judge me because what I say doesn’t fit the narrative I’m supposed to have. I used to be so pro LGBTQ, I still am, I just can't stand liars or abusers no matter the sexuality but how can I be pro something that doesn’t acknowledge me? The damage done to me was terrible. I lost everything and I’m just expected to accept it because at least they’re honest now. For years I had been gaslit into giving and giving and giving, trying to sort a problem that was not my problem to solve. For years I lacked intimacy whilst I blamed myself, putting everything on me being the issue. And they let me think that and then weaponised it so they could take even more when they finally came out. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m in therapy but I don’t want to be. I don’t want to have to deal with what they did to me. I’m tired of struggling against these feelings. Nearly ten years of my life wasted. Where do I go from here? They don’t care and no one else does either. If they didn’t know me on an individual level they wouldn’t even consider even acknowledging what was done to me. I’m so tired of the nightmares. I’m so tired of the exhaustion. I’m so tired of working out, so tired of therapy, so tired of reading articles that belittle the experience and put the responsibility for fixing this on me. I’m sorry, I’m not always like this, sometimes I can be so much more empathetic and can acknowledge the societal structures and discrimination that cause it. But other times, hearing others speak about this, hearing the celebration and support that I never got just makes me cry and rage. But I’m not allowed to rage.. that would be wrong. I don’t hate anyone, I don’t even hate them. But I feel hated and I certainly don’t feel loved.

I'm sorry, I feel so awful for having these thoughts. I know I'm wrong, I'm trying to fix it but I'm just so tired of the trying.


May 17, 2022 11:12 am  #2

Re: A Rant

We care.  We care how you're feeling, and we also know what you're going through, because we have all experienced our version of it.  It sounds to me as if you are beating yourself up because you have internalized other people's unsympathetic or selfish responses.

It also sounds to me as if you are angry, although it seems that you think you aren't "allowed" to be angry.  Well, anger is the appropriate response, the logical response, to what was done to you!  To be lied to, manipulated, betrayed, devalued--and all the other horrible and unfeeling things that your partner subjected you to--SHOULD make you angry.  Your emotional response is just that: the way you feel.  And it is VALID.



May 17, 2022 12:31 pm  #3

Re: A Rant

This is one of the few places with people that get it. 

What I have done is try as much as I can to rebuild and enjoy the life I have now.  We can never get back the years we lost and we can never think that most others will understand what we lost...some will  but many won't.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

May 17, 2022 3:06 pm  #4

Re: A Rant

Ijaruk, you have every right to be angry. You have right to rage, cry, yell, swear and even to hate. 
The feelings are important and they are here for a reason. 
I understand that you don't want to stay in that anger and hatred. I can promise you that they will change over time. (I still wish to punch my husband in the face for everything he's done to me but it's changing... slowly.)
And yes, it's so hard when even well-meaning people don't understand you. It happened to me too. The situation is so hard to understand for anyone who did not experience it. This forum is the place where people can relate.

Last edited by Marianne (May 17, 2022 3:08 pm)


May 17, 2022 3:34 pm  #5

Re: A Rant

Ijaruk....This week there have been 'celebratory and affirming reports about a 17 year old (I think) English sportsman who has come out publicly....after many years of hidden, silent trauma hiding his sexuality.....and it seems every fucking man and his dog is clambering over themselves to be one of the woke people to congratulate his bravery in outing himself and revelling in his authenticity. 
80% of me wants to sneer, rant and rave and scream "what about the people they leave behind!"

The other 20% is saying "thank his self-awareness that he's done it this young and not waited til he's ruined the lives of several loved ones with selfishness and secrecy

After 32 years I've now had 5 years of making choices I never thought I'd have to make but with each choice I make for myself it's one I don't let my partner make. 
About the anger. I was incredibly so at first, because I didn't understand what was happening. Now I have got my head around it all, discovered that yes I will probably stay with him after changing the dynamics of the life we have.....I am no longer angry. And honestly I'm a bit pissed off that I'm not.
I believe if I was still angry I would have left him a couple of years ago. Anger can be a good tool


Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 17, 2022 3:38 pm)

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