Hi THB,

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

The shock and betrayal is gut wrenching. And most importantly the trust in a partner of deceit hurts more than the love that is lost.

I, too thought I had a solid relationship with a wonderful partner. Still after 1 1/2 years of my shocking ambush phone call(you can read my stories) I still struggle with the person I “thought” It was, but not who It really is. I say my ex is an “It” bc apparently a lie as a man and a lie as a women. It is trans women now that prefers a man and probably always had.

The relationship is not “solid” if your partner lies and deceives and puts you and your family in harms way of strangers. Solid relationships are not based on lies and continued lies with probably no remorse, but only remorse when caught.

I bounced back and forth many many months struggling to stay with my “person”. Because I believed in marriage and love and fighting for a relationship. I soon realized I was fighting for a relationship that failed from the start because I was never told the truth. Anytime I would get answers they were half truths. I was gaslighted and manipulated by a narcissist. It begged to come home and make it work only for me to truly find out to help with transition and finally blurts out I’m going to cheat on you with a man if I get hit on. I was crazy to think I would live with “my person” as a trans person. Deep down I can’t and not for me and I cried many many months trying to hold onto someone who continued to hurt and lie to me. The love was not real. Real love doesn’t hurt and to be deceived and used.  I thought I was solid and had an unbreakable bond. I married someone I trusted with my life and knew without a doubt there would be no cheating as this had been discussed. Boy was I wrong! And I only found out because I discovered it. Had I not found pictures and text and potential hookups....I probably would still be a “friend” because It was my best friend.

If you truly analyze your relationship, you may soon discover that you don’t know your partner. You don’t know the desires, the fantasies, the truth. The “solid” relationship is a perception of a partner who displays a great appearance and persona but not great underneath. It’s like a person so great on a resume but can’t produce but they have all the skills written down to lure you in for an interview. I still have a hard time separating the “2” people It really was.

Emotions with the heart are completely different from the emotions of logic. You know you can’t trust him. He has lied for at least 12 years, cheated and may not stop. He’s desires may not be bi and you maybe a cover. Is that acceptable behavior of a solid relationship?

Hope you are able to confide in someone or a therapist. Someone who understands your trauma or lend an open ear. Post here. We all understand!

Whatever you decide, please be ware you may never know the truth. Take your time, but don’t waste your time.

I wish you well,
Lost

Last edited by LostAtSea (May 11, 2022 1:32 pm)

Thank you LostAtSea - your words resonate with me in a way I cannot describe and I appreciate the feedback. 

@Elle - our kids are pretty close to their father and we have a tight family bond. I am doing my best to hold it together for them at least until I determine what I need to do as a go forward plan. 

I'd suggest you see your doctor and get tested. Build your support network. Be kind to yourself. Then you'll be in a better position to tackle the future. Post here as often as you wish, even if it's only to vent.

Txhoneybee,

Yes the kids are your first priority ..they obviously weren't his or he wouldn't be hurting their mother with lies.

Build your support system..know that your kids just want a mom and dad and to know they will be ok.   Know that they will be ok with a strong untraumtized mom.