I'm so sorry.  Having your life turned inside out is so hard.  

One: you are not "bratty."  Your husband's actions have changed the basis of your marriage, and you are having a very normal response of being overwhelmed and even repulsed by seeing the man you married try on women's form, clothing, and the activities prescribed for women.  You married a man, who now wants to disavow his maleness.  Why should you feel guilty or "bratty" or obligated to stay in a marriage that your spouse has rotated 180 degrees into the opposite of what you agreed to?

  Seeking a therapist just for you, one who understands trauma, is a very good idea (do not go to someone who advertises they are specialists in gender or gender affirmation).  You need someone who is there to help as you decide what is acceptable for you in your marriage, and support you in your decision.  As someone who has been in similar shoes to yours (my ex is not autistic), the only advice I can give you about seeking a therapist is that if that therapist even hints that your job is to "accept" or "affirm" your spouse cut your therapeutic relationship off and find another therapist.  
  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 6, 2022 8:56 pm)

I can well understand that your husband's therapist's suggestions for "trans affirming" churches, etc, are offputting for you.  Our challenges and needs are not those of our trans identifying spouses.

Reading the stories on transwidowsvoices.org can be very affirming.  https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/our-voices

Here is a list of resources that focus on our situation. Not all of them will be relevant to your situation, I expect.  I don't have links to the research that shows autistic people are overrepresented among trans declaring men and women--but most of that research concerns young women who become trans-identifying.

Academic and Professional:  

Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.  

Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell: “Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples  When One Partner is Transgender”Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol 31, No. 2, 2012, pp36-53(full text of article available online)

  Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there. 

http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia_&_MtF_typology.html Autogynephilia: An Underappreciated Paraphilia Anne A. Lawrence Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Lethbridge, Alta.,Canada 

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/3eb9/a449b840ef525436454c4f658b8d364d194f.pdf  

Memoirs/Accounts by Wives Those who left:

 Christine Benvenuto: "Sex Changes."     A memoir

   “Naeferty”  (a pseudonym)  Naeferty ran a blog about her experiences with her own trans identified male partner.  Read the post "Gas Mark Six" and the comments.

 https://makemorenoisemanc.wixsite.com/mysite/post/a-plea-for-help-for-feminists-from-a-trans-widow 

“Transwidows Escape Committee” Mumsnethttps://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows
(this link will take you to the third section, although there are five sections now) 

A podcast: How my ex-husband’s transition made me feel  https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p06xvbsc   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 7, 2022 7:34 pm)

Thank you Rob! I appreciate it. 
I will definitely be looking for a support system locally to me. 

I think you are 100% right! 
I think what baffles me on most days is, we never get married or go into relationships with them thinking this will EVER happen...then it does. Just leaves me speechless most days.