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May 6, 2022 8:28 am  #1

Found out my wife is "Questioning" and I don't know what to do

This is a very long story (as they all are), but in brief, I am having a very hard time finding any kind of real life or online resource for a 40-something straight male (me) and my 30-something "Questioning" wife. We've been married almost 10 years and after confronting her on an infidelity, it finally came out that she thinks she's trans. We were on the verge of a divorce due to the infidelity, but that bombshell changed things because for the first time in ages she was actually being honest. This was a like a nuclear blast to my life. I feel like I'm in pieces and everything around me is a toxic wasteland. We are in the deep south of the US, so this kind of thing is not something that is easily discussed, even among close friends. I have sister who is a lesbian and I know how dangerous it can be for LGBTQ folks here and I am terrified for my wife is she tries to transition. Even as I look at this site, it seems to be dominated by folks who are not our age and mostly dealing with MtF transitions, with female straight partners. All the support documents sound great if you are a woman, but don't really apply as well to men. Does anyone know of any resources for this kind of situation? Maybe I just haven't looked hard enough. Any help would be appreciated.


May 6, 2022 9:10 am  #2

Re: Found out my wife is "Questioning" and I don't know what to do

I believe there has been only one other poster on this site in the six years I've been reading here who was in your situation, of a hetero husband with a trans-identified wife.  I belong to a number of listservs and support groups for gender critical feminism and transwidows (hetero wives whose husbands decided they were women), and most of the instances of TIF's (trans identified females) I have read about are from women who were in lesbian relationships, and whose lesbian partners decided to transition. 

You don't say whether your wife cheated with a man or a woman, but yuur situation and support would be different depending on whether she sees herself as a straight man who desires a female partner, or a gay trans man who desires a gay man for a partner. 


May 6, 2022 1:11 pm  #3

Re: Found out my wife is "Questioning" and I don't know what to do

First, thanks for the response. I am finding quickly that my situation is more abnormal that most. My wife has always considered herself "bi" and this may sound shitty, but I always kind of shrugged it off because she never acted on it (maybe made out with 1 girl in high school?), and has only ever dated men. I am kind of a behaviorist that way, I don't really like labels, especially when they don't match behavior. I thought she just wanted to be "cool" because she hangs out with a lot of ultra-left folks (I'm not right or left, I can't get behind either) that consider "cishets" less interesting or downright pedestrian. We are both white, so that was another "strike" against us being cool to these people, so I figured it was just something she was saying to be interesting and win social persecution points. I always told her if she wanted to hookup with a girl, that was fine, as long as we did so together. She never even brought it up, so I just never thought it was a thing. Now to explain the cheating. By a lot of standards, what I KNOW about (I do assume there are more indiscretions I haven't caught yet), will seem mild compared to many on this site, but she's engaged with both men and women. About 8 months ago, she made out in a parking lot with an old high school fuck buddy that she hadn't seen in 15 years. She said she was drunk and caught up in the moment and it didn't go further than that (which I cannot believe), and then she started texting him daily for 8 months until I caught her. She wiped many of the texts so I don't know what extent she texted or sexted with him, but she claims she didn't sext and when he tried to get flirty she shut it down (but why delete the texts if there's nothing to hide, right?). Second, she's been sexting with a female role playing partner of hers for ... maybe years? I really don't know about that one. I figured it out because this girl she plays with (from another state) came to town to hang out with us and my wife was obviously in love with her. Like, I have only seen her act this way twice -- once on our first date, and with this girl. She was acting head over heels and puts her convos with this girl above us all the time. Canceling plans, bring home dinner 3 hours late because they were talking, I mean obvious shit. This girl is straight (has a boyfriend) but they role play (I think) as gay men online and have sex with each other (my best guess, given what I know) through role playing. To me it is sexting through an extra layer of abstraction (which may actually be worse because of the fantasy element). When all this came to light, I said the only I could even think about staying married was if she absolutely 150% broke it off with both this guy and this girl. She (after 48 hours of "thinking it over") broke it off with the guy (I watched her text him that they can't talk anymore) but after a solid month, she still won't commit to stop sexting the girl, and will not commit to stop the friendship. So I think at this point it's obvious she gets more connected with women than men, specifically where she's "the man" or "top" in the dynamic. It's all really twisted and confusing, but she's an artist and very intelligent girl and that comes with the territory. If you knew her, all this would be a shock, as she is a makeup artist and is known for being extremely girly (even got a boob job years ago "because she didn't feel like woman"). Reminds me a lot of that movie "But I'm a Cheerleader." Now it seems like it was over-compensation, perhaps. I don't know. She won't say she's trans just yet, but the writing is appearing on the wall very quickly. She said that when I asked her to stop the role playing sex is when she realized that she exclusively role plays as men and that it was so hard to give up that it made her realize she may be trans. It's all so fucked. I think in the end, she will want to transition to a male and have a female partner. That's what I see coming down the line.

     Thread Starter

May 6, 2022 3:46 pm  #4

Re: Found out my wife is "Questioning" and I don't know what to do

The online element adds to the mess, that's for sure.  My trans-identifying ex certainly fell down the internet rabbit hole and spent hours online on trans sites, including porn sites.  I don't know the full story of his internet obsessions, but I am fairly sure that at some point there was some sort of online back and forth with another person--or persons--going on.  Or so his behavior suggested (online for protracted periods with his phone early in the morning, up late at night after I went to bed on his computer).  But whether groomed or not, fantasy play or not, the psychological effect was real, and it never let up.  

  I assume you're still moving toward divorce and just looking to talk the weird out with someone. I will say this: artist, schmartist.  Her behavior is "fucked," but it's not due to her being a creative.  (It would not surprise me that if you read her fantasies they would strike you as utterly conventional--that was certainly the case with my now-ex.)  Whatever you see "coming down the line" for her is down to her.  From bitter experience I say get your head out of her crazy and save yourself. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 6, 2022 3:49 pm)


June 29, 2022 2:08 am  #5

Re: Found out my wife is "Questioning" and I don't know what to do

Hey Witty,

Just wanted to let you know I am in an almost exact same situation and am struggling to find resources as well it seems like everything is set up for MTF but not the other way around.

I am still with my partner as of now but it’s a fluid situation, it’s so incredibly hard when you love someone so much but every day they get a little more unattractive to you or you feel ashamed that you miss calling them your wife or other little things like that. it’s so complex and hard to unpack.

The kicker for me was once they started pursuing top surgery and growing out their body hair, it’s hard not to feel a bit betrayed but also like you I knew they were bi going into it so should I be surprised? It’s hard. I’d you’d like to talk more I’d be happy to talk here or exhange emails so we can speak directly.

Would love to hear from ya 👍🏻


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