A romantic relationship is a whole different ball of wax to any other sort of relationship - to feel like you don't want to date a man who doesn't want to be a man is not transphobic, it's innate.

I echo Daryl, it would be good to talk about this with someone who is close to you.  Family is best.

Personally my advice is to run a mile.  I don't think he will make a good friend let alone boyfriend - he's struck up a romantic relationship with such a dishonest start to it - never liked being a man? why didn't he talk about that in the first place?  and now he is still not thinking about what you need or want, it is all about what he needs or wants.

If he runs true to form, the next thing is an escalation of dressing up followed by a declaration he is now a lesbian and wants to stay with you like that.  

Let his dysphoria be his problem not yours - you're not going to be able to make him happy anyway, are you.  Maybe you will end up with someone who can make you happy - reciprocal is what you need isn't it?

Seven years ago I could have written what you have written.  I went through three years of trying to be "accepting," of stuffing my own discomfort, of supporting my then-husband (now-ex), of living in his closet.  And here's my take on what you have in store for you.

This is how it starts.  You are asked to devote yourself to his needs.  You are asked to keep his secrets.  You are asked to--or, reacting to his expectations or what you perceive to be societal expectations, expect yourself to--suppress your own feelings and doubts.  You're asked to make small changes--like pronouns--which prepare you to make even bigger ones.  

This is also how it starts.  He paints his nails.  He grows out his hair.  He starts wearing women's clothing.  (As if makeup, long hair, and pink or dresses make one a woman.)  He disavows being male. (As if one could change sex).  He starts rewriting his past, and says he's never been comfortable being male, despite all evidence to the contrary.

 Let me tell you, from experience.  A man who begins this process accelerates it.  He will move from make up, clothing, hairstyle, and discomfort with being a man, to believing he can be, or is, or has always been, a woman.  He will rechristen himself a lesbian, or, alternately, he will seek out male attention as validation that he "is" a woman (or he will do both).  He will begin trying on gestures, walking differently, change his voice, all of which will strike you as studied, fake, and offensive stereotypes of woman.  He will begin to gender everything--and I mean everything.  He will want to "express" his new gender identity in your sexual activity.  He may contain this new identity to home or he might go public, and if he goes public, he might want to change his body, either with hormones or surgery.

   A man who begins this process asking you to accommodate him continues to expect you to accommodate him.  He will trade on your empathy--which as a healthcare professional he knows you have in spades.  He, however, will have no empathy for or understanding of your discomfort over his expression or your distress that the man you fell in love with is rejecting his maleness/manhood.  He will become petulant, angry, and punishing of you for not focusing exclusively on him, because a man caught up in himself in this way is singularly self-absorbed and self-centered, and the deeper he gets into it, the more self-obsessed he becomes. 

 To be brutally honest with you, I will speak my mind and say this: in order to stay with your partner and support him, you will need to suppress every instinct in yourself and be willing to remake yourself in every way, including by remaking your own ideas of your sexuality.  You will not be able to do this without doing great damage to yourself, and you will become a shadow of your former self.  (Alternately, you will develop Stockholm Syndrome and become a cheerleader to trans issues, and reap the approbation of society.  Other women have done that.) 

 To be honest, but not brutally so.  A person who is questioning and transitioning needs, above all, the space to do so and the requirement that they be honest and own their decisions. This means that you should not set aside your own discomfort, against your instincts, in order to accommodate your partner and provide a safe landing space while he tries it out. (And it above all doesn't mean you should start including him in grooming and shopping!)  What it means is that it would be healthy for both of you to separate, so that he can figure himself out on his own--it's his gender identity and ultimately he is the one who is going to have to live it (and you can't do this for him)--and own his decision without expecting you to be his fallback safety, which is an impossible and emotionally fraught postiion for you to occupy and leaves you vulnerable to the vagaries of whatever his thinking actions at any particular stage. 

But before even thinking about how you can support your partner (and how he can support you!), you need to focus on yourself.  Is a relationship with a trans woman what you want for your life?  Would you have been attracted to, or gotten involved with, a man who confessed to you up front what your partner now has?  Do you want your life to revolve around trans issues (because it will)?  Are you willing to redefine your sexuality for him (CAN you?  can ANYONE?)?  Detaching emotionally from a partner is difficult, but it can be done.  

At the very least I recommend you find yourself a therapist--and not one who thinks his/her job is to teach you, or guilt you into learning, how to change or accommodate yourself to your partner's changes, but one who will help you express and sort out your own feelings and explore what is acceptable to you and what you want in your life.  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 28, 2022 8:50 am)