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April 11, 2022 2:11 pm  #1

Twice in a lifetime

Hello - I identify as a straight cis female in my early 60s. When I was very young (16) I got pregnant and at 17 married the man and had that child and another 3 yrs later. About 5 yrs in, we had no intimacy for 4 yrs (except for the time I got pregnant after he came home drunk after a work party). I was 22 and feeling unloved and unwanted when I asked him what kind of woman he liked, maybe I could cut my hair, wear different clothes? He admitted that he was attracted to men more than women and the women had to have male physicality (small chest, slim hips). This was not Italian built me at all. We stayed together for 8 more years while I got an education and then split. During that time I found a physical partner for once a month and he started seeing someone. Eventually when things got messy, we divorced. I had a relationship after that but for the purposes of this group it's irrelevant and he has since passed on. When I was about 40 I met a dear man. Kind, gentle but strong. He adored me, truly. Still does in fact. We had a wonderful time together and eventually married. He'd always been an occasion Xdresser during intimate times but I'm open minded so no big deal. We worked, life happened . I became permanently disabled and mostly homebound due to caring for an elder parent of his for several years. I got disability and made the adjustment to being a housewife the best way I can. At 67 he retired but for some part time contracting. Then came the pandemic. He was home for months. I was home for months. He started to Xdress at times other than the occasional intimacy.. I didn't really care for it but he lives here too and I sort of dealt with it by hanging out in my room (we each have a mancave/she-shed type space). I started to feel a familiar kind of nagging feeling something was different. Honestly I didn't say anything much because I just didn't want to deal with it if I was right. Then the bills for toys and online accts and the like started to show up. Deliveries of clothing, wigs, etc. I had to get to the bottom of it and finally sat him down to discuss it all about 6 months ago. He admitted that he has been more she than he for several years, since retirement. Both are in there, so it's a gender fluid situation but far more female than male. He is not seeing anyone else, but using the online stuff for his/her/their? satisfaction. 
I felt/feel betrayed. I married a big tough guy with  big old muscles, heavy equipment and loads of tools and here he was saying he wants to be my wife and for us to be lesbian lovers. Again, I'm open minded. I've been around and have occasionally played with women in the long past when I was a teen.  I'm straight emotionally and romantically.  So while I could pretend once in a while for "her" in bed I can't manage to think of "them" as a life partner. 
So, twice in a lifetime I find I am with a partner who has either changed sexual preference or gender, both leaving me feeling utterly inadequate and honestly, used. 
I am still deciding what to do besides cry and rage about it. I've been talking to a therapist trying to make a decision. If I do decide to leave I will be living in Senior low income housing the rest of my life. Taking care of his parent drained our finances and he needs all his income to pay for this home, humble as it is. I cannot afford to pay upkeep on this home on my own. I would be leaving with my disability and very little else. Life would likely be hard as I age more and my physicality wanes more.
So that's me. I asked my original X (we are friendly) what drew him to me and he said my empathy and ability to love, which is pretty much what current partner says. I guess at least I can take that with me. I just wish I could live up to it and find a way to stay here where I am financially secure, have help with my disability, and not feel I have to leave. But I dread when they are home. I really do. It's horribly uncomfortable. I dread the thought that a teen grandkid might stop by and he will forget and answer the door as she. They might just be fine with it, this younger generation is so easy about it all, but I am not.
I'm a work in process. Right now I just feel really broken and like I'm trapped, tbh. I don't feel like a person with empathy. I feel like a person who thinks going off and living alone might be the only way I survive. I have put in an application for housing and am told the wait list is currently 18 months minimum, more likely 2 yrs, so I have plenty of time to decide.
Thanks for reading. Wishing you peace.

Last edited by Grace1958 (April 12, 2022 7:53 am)


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