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Welcome to the OurPath (formerly Straight Spouse Network) Open Forum.
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  •  » "It's not about you" / Trans Tape?

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    April 6, 2022 2:21 pm  #1

    mountainlady
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    "It's not about you" / Trans Tape?

    I knew my partner is NB before we started dating. However, they hadn't come out to everyone yet. So they are still very new in their process... 

    I've started looking online for support resources, both for myself and for them. The message I get? IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. Which.... I understand.... And. It greatly affects me.

    For example, they were AFAB, and have just recently started using Trans Tape. I'm bi/pan, and am attracted to their chest. I have a feeling they'll want to get top surgery at some point. Am I allowed to have feelings about that? They're actually having issues learning how to tape themselves, and have been getting sores from it. They're very frustrated. I'm trying to be loving and supportive, but I don't know what to do. They have periods of being upset, gender dysphoria... which is understandable... but during those times it feels like I need to put everything aside and be this perfect partner and ally. 

    Any advice on how I deal with my stuff while still being supportive? 
    Any suggestions on how they can learn to tape themselves better? 

    Thank you. xx 

     

    April 6, 2022 2:47 pm  #2

    Ellexoh_nz
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    Re: "It's not about you" / Trans Tape?

    This is a straightspouse forum. Not a site for LGBTQ advice

    KIA KAHA                       
     

    April 6, 2022 3:33 pm  #3

    OutofHisCloset
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    Re: "It's not about you" / Trans Tape?

    It is about you, actually.  And that move to invalidate your feelings and tell you it's wrong to have them is what is actually wrong.  I assume by "chest" you mean your partner's breasts.  If your partner "yeeting" her "teets" (and how I loathe that expression) means you won't be attracted to her, your feeling is as valid as her dislike of her breasts.  

    But elle is right; this forum is for straight spouses. 

     

    April 6, 2022 5:01 pm  #4

    MimiCat
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    Re: "It's not about you" / Trans Tape?

    Of course this is about you as well! I think it’s one of the most difficult things in these situations: because you’re in a relationship with the other person, to an extent your own identity is reflected in and affected by the other persons identity. Of course, they are going on their own journey of discovery and exploration and you want to support that, but of course this is going to have great significance and relevance for you. I think an analogy would be, let’s imagine your partner decided they suddenly wanted to live in a completely different country. If you’re going to stay in the relationship with them, of course that is going to be relevant to you! I know what was completely essential for me in navigating my partners transition was frequent, ongoing conversations about negotiating and collaborating over these issues together. Being really clear and honest with each other about how are you each feel and what you both want  is so important. Neither persons point of view is more important than the other's; not if you’re in an equal relationship together. Being a good ally and supporting your partner is great; but this is your relationship as well. It doesn’t mean you get to put demands or force them to do or not do things either , but I think with any other relationship issue both of you have to have a say in what the agreement, arrangements and ultimate outcome is going to be and you have to be able to ask the question whether that works for you as well as them. Wishing you both all the best of luck 

    Last edited by MimiCat (April 6, 2022 5:02 pm)

     

    April 7, 2022 6:18 am  #5

    OutofHisCloset
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    Re: "It's not about you" / Trans Tape?

    I would add this to MimiCat's remarks: When you ask yourself the quesiton of "whether that works for you," you do not always have either to accommodate or negotiate endlessly.  If/When what you have is not acceptable to you, you are allowed to walk away--and for no other reason than that.

    edited to add:
    You are not a supporting character in another person's life. 

    Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 7, 2022 12:33 pm)

     

     

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