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April 6, 2022 7:05 am  #1


Any good experiences moving forward???

I just joined this forum yesterday and feel like the responses I am getting seem to be all "doom and gloom." I posted my story under "is he gay" section, but to recap, my husband and I have been together 20 years, had a great relationship (both emotionally and sexually) with no red flags, except recent erectile issues that we assumed were medical (He does have medical issues.) Then I found his grinder account, which from what I can tell he has only had briefly and I'm fairly certain never went beyond chats. He seems truly sorry, says he's not "gay", but admitted to being "bi-curious." He says it was a phase and he realized he has no interest in sex with men, but does have some same sex attraction. Every response to my post tells me he's probably been cheating with men for a long time. I know I sound like I'm in denial but I just don't believe that. Is it possible for a bi spouse to continue being attracted to their partner and move forward in a loving, committed relationship. I even had a lesbian experience myself when I was younger and am turned on by lesbian porn, yet I self-identify as straight and have no interest in cheating with anyone regardless of gender. Is it crazy to believe my husband is capable of the same commitment???

 

April 6, 2022 8:15 am  #2


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

I suspect it is possible. Sadly, it appears not to have been the experience of most of the forum members. We are not therapists or researchers, but we know what we went through. We tell others so that they can spot any similar signs in their own lives. The impulse to cheat is connected with someones personal code, not their sexuality. Commitment goes both ways, as does honesty. Trust can only be earned, never demanded. If you think you have these things, equally amongst the two of you, go for it and I hope you succeed. Depending on your level of interpersonal communication, you might also benefit from some sort of couples counseling. Be well and we really hope that YOU come out OK, whatever path you choose to take.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

April 6, 2022 8:59 am  #3


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

I know how you feel Harlow. When I joined in July of 2020, I received some very hurtful responses that caused me not to post and I still do not post anything personal. I was helped by private messages from another member. Please feel free to send me one. I will not judge you.

 

April 6, 2022 2:30 pm  #4


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

My comments in red 

Harlow wrote:

I just joined this forum yesterday and feel like the responses I am getting seem to be all "doom and gloom."
There are many people here sitting along the straightspouse spectrum Harlow. This section of the Forum  has members who are working on saving & enhancing their straight/LGBTQ r'ship ask questions, get given advice. I was the person who asked for this board so I'd have somewhere I didn't feel as judged for wanting to figure out where I was and how I was going to get through this Mindfuck. I was intent on saving and getting back the great life my partner and I had. I had to be honest with myself and make choices between what he wanted and what *I* ultimately wanted my life to look like. 
I posted my story under "is he gay" section, but to recap, my husband and I have been together 20 years, had a great relationship (both emotionally and sexually) with no red flags, except recent erectile issues that we assumed were medical (He does have medical issues.) Then I found his grinder account, which from what I can tell he has only had briefly and I'm fairly certain never went beyond chats. He seems truly sorry, says he's not "gay", but admitted to being "bi-curious." He says it was a phase and he realized he has no interest in sex with men, but does have some same sex attraction. Every response to my post tells me he's probably been cheating with men for a long time. I know I sound like I'm in denial but I just don't believe that.
If you only want to hear what you want to hear then this Forum probably isn't for you. The Forum is made up of all sorts, but the one thing in common is we all have a partner with a secret life, a marriage/LTR that was built on dishonesty and secrecy. Those who stay realise that sometimmes we won't always hear what we want to hear but know the Forum is a safe place to work through the trauma of it all
Is it possible for a bi spouse to continue being attracted to their partner and move forward in a loving, committed relationship. 
Anything's possible Harlow. Bisexual men can be attracted to both men and women,  they can appear committed, they can love too  ...but that doesn't solve the deep down feeling that your life has changed, the person you thought was yours actually needs a man to feel fulfilled sexually and that ultimately he kept a part of himself from you intentionally. 
I even had a lesbian experience myself when I was younger and am turned on by lesbian porn, yet I self-identify as straight and have no interest in cheating with anyone regardless of gender. Is it crazy to believe my husband is capable of the same commitment??? 
My own bisexual partner will never admit who he really is. But that's his secret to bear, I want none of it. And yes I'm as straight as a ruler too The fact you found us and you're hear asking questions tells me you need to research and delve into the situation and discover what you as an individual want in your life. And that's okay..take it slow, try not to react and think it's all "doom and gloom" when what you hear are genuine accounts from honest people in real situations. 

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 6, 2022 5:44 pm  #5


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Elle
Do you have a positive experience staying married to your bisexual husband? I'm just seeing a lot of comments saying he's sleeping with men, probably been hiding it fir years, etc. Of course I want to hear it could be a phase, just curiosity, and my life isn't over. Does the fact that he had a grindr account automatically mean he "needs a man to feel fulfilled sexually" or could it just be an attraction he wanted to mildly explore. As I said, maybe I'm not straight as a ruler myself and some people would say a "straight" woman being turned on by lesbian porn means she's a lesbian. In this forum I think people would say I must be cheating with women, but I'm 100% committed to my husband and do not need a woman to feel sexually fulfilled. I'm just asking if anyone stayed married and it truly was just a phase and they are still happily married. I don't just want to hear what I want to hear, I just want to hear all sides of these stories and not just the ones that jump to the worse possible scenario.

Last edited by Harlow (April 6, 2022 5:46 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 6, 2022 7:55 pm  #6


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Harlow wrote:

Elle
Do you have a positive experience staying married to your bisexual husband? I gave my partner 3 years grace (after reading most straight/bi r'ships didn't last beyond that. After that I decided we were best to part. That's when Covid shut down New Zealand for 4 weeks, the world changed, life changed, I decided to stay....I'm not working, never will, he's a good provider and we seemed to find it easier to stay together. There's no intimacy, we get on well.   
I'm just seeing a lot of comments saying he's sleeping with men, probably been hiding it fir years, etc. Of course I want to hear it could be a phase, just curiosity, and my life isn't over. Does the fact that he had a grindr account automatically mean he "needs a man to feel fulfilled sexually" or could it just be an attraction he wanted to mildly explore. As hard as it is to hear the statements of men & women here (and none of us know your husband...we're just telling you about our own experiences)...that is not what you should be concentrating on because you should be focusing on yourself. How does the fact he has a Grindr acc make you feel? If he turns to you eventually and says "I need to explore these feeling with a man" what would you say? Are you willing to only have 'part' of him, and know he gives the rest to somebody else. I don't believe a bisexual man can mildly explore his bisexuality but that's my personal opinion, an opinion that meant I ceased intimacy with my partner because I don't trust him to be honest with me.
As I said, maybe I'm not straight as a ruler myself and some people would say a "straight" woman being turned on by lesbian porn means she's a lesbian. In this forum I think people would say I must be cheating with women, but I'm 100% committed to my husband and do not need a woman to feel sexually fulfilled. But it's not you asking questions about you liking lesbian porn, this is you worried about your husband being attracted to men. Honestly Harlow I think you're only at the beginning of this Mindfuck and before you think you have definitive answers you'll have to read more, ask more questions. Have you seen a counsellor?
 I'm just asking if anyone stayed married and it truly was just a phase and they are still happily married. I don't just want to hear what I want to hear, I just want to hear all sides of these stories and not just the ones that jump to the worse possible scenario Well I'm still with my partner. 38th year now. 5 years on from the Mindfuck moment when all this began. Happy?....on the surface yes. Underneath we've packed our resentments up and don't bring them up. For me this is about survival.

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 7, 2022 11:11 am  #7


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

I'm looking for positive stories of people who made this work.

Last edited by Harlow (April 7, 2022 11:15 am)

     Thread Starter
 

April 7, 2022 11:35 am  #8


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Harlow, I've seen your story in another thread. I think that when people automatically assumed that your husband cheated on you, it was a bit unfair. It is possible (even if difficult) for a bisexual man to stay committed and faithful.

However, if you look for positive stories, maybe check the StraightBiPartners subreddit. In this forum they are very rare.

 

April 7, 2022 1:28 pm  #9


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Hi Harlow—So sorry you've found yourself here. I understand you want to find happy/positive stories. I desperately wanted the same thing when my husband came out. Instead, I found a multitude of bi now/gay later stories, cheating stories —and posts by bisexual men who seem tortured by monogamy (on www.reddit.com/r/MarriedAndBi/ ....and other bisexual-related subreddits).

This is a great forum for people to share their stories...including red flags they may have missed...(There is tremendous value in that IMO). But, like most "support forums," you're not likely to find the happy stories you're looking for because happy people aren't spending their days in online forums....they're just living their lives. 

With that said—I don't think it's realistic to hope your husband's same-sex attraction is a phase....Your husband is bisexual. He will always desire men. Mixed orientation relationships can and do work. Nearly three years ago, I discovered I was in one. We are monogamous with no plans on ever changing that. The bigger issue in your case is not that your husband is bisexual...but that he downloaded a hookup app. For me, that would absolutely be a deal breaker....but none of us can determine your dealbreakers. The best we can do is listen and offer advice...While our stories are different....we all understand what you're going through. For me, personally, that meant a lot...because this experience can be incredibly isolating. 
Take care...and post any time. 

 

April 7, 2022 3:22 pm  #10


Re: Any good experiences moving forward???

Harlow wrote:

I'm looking for positive stories of people who made this work.

 

This isn't the right place for positive stories about couples. This is a Forum to learn and make decisions about our own individual journeys

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

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