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1 - HopelessRomantic
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Guilt over posturing
So, I’ll preface this by saying that I’m still not intending to leave my crossdresser (potential trans) husband. I’m holding onto the hope that my fragile state of mind is just postpartum depression and things will get easier as my hormones even out and some of the other major stressors in my life get corrected.
Having said that, I have recently started planning out my future and looking at my life in a way that looks and feels a lot like I’m posturing for divorce, and I can’t help but feel guilty about it. Here’s what I mean:
I feel extremely overwhelmed by my emotions regarding my marriage. Half of me wants to run towards him and some days I wake up with this ‘love conquers all’ attitude. But there’s another part of me that thinks we’re already dead, and there’s no bringing us back. I can’t mentally separate my current fears from my past hurts. Some days I desperately want him to hold me, other days the mere thought of letting him touch me causes very real physical reactions... my heart sinks, my stomach turns, my whole body seems to recoil. ——— So my response is that I’ve taken the “to go or to stay” question off the table for now and just do what comes naturally. My focus is going to be my children. I’m going to chalk the roller coaster of emotions up to hormones and excuse myself from feeling like I need to make a decision right now.
The other HUGE stressor regarding this situation is the fact that I am 100% dependent upon him. I’m a stay at home mom with small children, I have no income/savings/credit/insurance or anything of my own. We live in a very expensive state. I couldn’t leave if I wanted to, and if he left I’d be dropped on my head. I don’t WANT to leave, but I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling like I don’t have an out if I need one, and the possibility of winding up in a situation where I can’t take proper care of my children terrifies me. ——— So, figuring out how to get myself an income (something online that I can do while home with the kids) is now a priority. And when that happens, I’ll also want my own bank account.
I talked about getting my own income with my husband, and he looked at me funny but was supportive. I think he thinks I’m preparing for divorce. That’s NOT my goal. It might sound weird, but just feeling like I’ll have the option of leaving if I need it makes staying easier. Like I’m really here because I want to be, not because I’m trapped.
Nonetheless, I feel like prepping for the possibility of divorce is a bit like giving up. Like I’m not giving my all to the idea of saving my marriage and I should be. I feel guilty about that, I feel like I’m doing something wrong.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Guilt over posturing
When my mother began working as a teacher back in the late 1950s, my father's work mates ribbed him about it. When he told my mother about it, she said, "You just tell them that because I earn my own salary you know that I stay with you because I want to. And ask them whether they can say the same for their wives."
In the not too distant past, young women were also told they needed to train for a job because they "needed something to fall back on" in case something happened to their spouse.
As for your feeling that "prepping for the possibility of divorce feels like giving up," one person all by herself can't save the marriage. It takes two to save a marriage. Does your spouse feel any of the same guilt about his cross-dressing/trans life that you do?
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Guilt over posturing
OutofHisCloset wrote:
When my mother began working as a teacher back in the late 1950s, my father's work mates ribbed him about it. When he told my mother about it, she said, "You just tell them that because I earn my own salary you know that I stay with you because I want to. And ask them whether they can say the same for their wives."
In the not too distant past, young women were also told they needed to train for a job because they "needed something to fall back on" in case something happened to their spouse.
As for your feeling that "prepping for the possibility of divorce feels like giving up," one person all by herself can't save the marriage. It takes two to save a marriage. Does your spouse feel any of the same guilt about his cross-dressing/trans life that you do?
Your mom sounds awesome. And I hear what your saying about having a ‘fall back’... that’s what I’m looking for. I’m not trying to jump ship so much as I’m wanting to ensure I have a lifeboat in case the ship sinks. Though when I posed the idea of wanting an income and bank account to my spouse, I described it as a way for us to have more money to work towards our goals and dreams... which is also true, assuming everything works out between us in the long run.
And I think he does feel guilty, he’s clearly trying. But just because he’s trying now doesn’t mean it will stay that way forever... and beyond that I need to also prepare for the possibility of my feelings settling on the negatives rather than the positives. Uncertainty was acceptable before I had kids. It isn’t anymore. I need to know that no matter what I can take care of my boys.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Hopelessromantic,
I think in an ideal and fantasy world many of us would have just left our spouses as soon as we found out about the gay etc. But real life is not like that. They kids and income...
My advice is do whatever you have to do..if you need to stay then stay..whatever you need to do for your kids..however long it takes. But take small baby steps each day..one of them for you may be to get a job. Those kids need a strong unabused mom. The hurt is not of your making so do not feel guilty the thought and idea of separation is there. Small tiny steps..
Wishing you strength and stoicism.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Marta.m
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Hopeless romantic,
I’m sorry you have to go through this situation in this particularly vulnerable period of your life. You have my total understanding and respect.
Working on your independence is something that will be good for you, even in normal circumstances. So go ahead, step by step, as this will also give you the chance to focus on positive things in your future.
I totally understand that there are times you need to “take the to go or to stay off the table”. There is so much to process, so much pain, so many questions, that you have to just pause and let it rest… For me those moments (days, weeks) were essential and an important piece of my survival kit.
So take your time, be gentle to yourself, enjoy your babies while you make plans for a future as an independent person. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Rob and Marta,
Thank you both. Your encouragement means a lot to me. It’s hard to balance hoping for the best with preparing for the worst sometimes... but it needs to happen, and I need to stop guilting myself for it.
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Thread Starter- Gloria
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Leaving is a very big step. It took me awhile to do it. Take your time in making a decision and we are all supporting you no matter what you decide.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Guilt over posturing
Hopeless romantic: it took me a long time to come to my own decision, and I know I would have tuned out anyone who pressured me to leave before I was ready. My heart really truly goes out to you.
I want you to think about this: my father was about as old-fashioned as they get, but when he was young, his own father died and the consequences for his family were absolutely devastating. His mother was not able to support the family, and the resulting poverty cast a shadow down two generations (and counting). So, when I was young, he made absolutely sure my mother had job skills, and that she was fully involved with the family's finances. He knew how devastating it was when his own mother was suddenly left without the means to keep the family afloat.
Your financial dependence on your husband is leaving you and your children at risk, even in a healthy marriage (like my grandmother's). If you start, now, taking steps towards some kind of financial independence, you're also buying yourself time to make a choice about your marriage -- but that doesn't need to be the sole reason to get a little more self-sufficiency here.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Guilt over posturing
So, I’ll preface this by saying that I’m still not intending to leave my crossdresser (potential trans) husband.......
HR... No, don't leave until you absolutely know it's time. It will do you no good leaving, with young children, until you know for sure you won't be stuck in a place that will do you and your small family harm, both financially and emotionally.
But you do need to take steps to leave, even if you know it's only the first part of a plan to change your life.
I've been where you are.... One part of me ranted and raved (inwardly mostly because I never wanted to burden anyone with my issues) that I must, had to! leave this man. I would angst and cry and overanalyze for hours, envisioning a life without him.
Then kapow! my heart would soften, my brain would clear and is think....where do I go, how would I support myself? who would I matter to if I left?...I guess I'll stay
It's like trying to find the end of a ball of twine. It's in the middle and the only way to get to it is to slowly, patiently unravel it all. It'll take a while Hope... And you have to take the first step because nobody can do it for you.
My first step was finding a counselor and determining to be totally honest about what was happening. And actually the first counselor turned out to not be a good fit so I had to find a new one. It was a step backwards, a bit demoralizing but I knew it was important to have somebody neutral to discuss things with. I found it easier to see my life and what was happening to it when I could do it and feel safe and listened to. And be asked questions! People who don't have something so destructive as this in their world just don't know what to say or do.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
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Re: Guilt over posturing
I think you said your husband has borderline personality disorder. My parent with it has problems holding a job due to an unstable self image and difficulty handling low level stress. They have problems parenting. (Read the subreddit raised by borderlines. You'll see what the future holds for your kids. )
Chances are you may have to pitch in by working. You have your income to fall back on for whatever the future brings.
I would want to leave due to the bpd. It's comparable to living with a schizophrenic. Parents with this split the kids into the all good ones and the all bad ones for no reason. They do this to the other spouse too.
You have a lot on your plate. I would suggest taking things slowly but looking at bpd and a MTF switch realistically. Always best to be prepared. Good luck to you.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa