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March 3, 2022 8:16 am  #1


First Time Sharing

Hi,I’ve been going through a lot the last month, and wanted to reach out to share.I’ve been happily married for 10 years to my wife, I’m 40, she’s 34 and we have two kids under 10. We’ve crafted a really nice life for ourselves in a beautiful small town.

Aside from the usual communication issues and some fights, we never really had any existential marriage problems, and there were no issues that some counseling couldn’t fix. We had a regular and active sex life, and my wife actually initiated sex more than me.

Two years ago, my wife told me she wanted to explore her bisexuality more, and we agreed to open our marriage. I was hesitant but did not want to stand in the way of her.It turned out not to be that bad, and in fact we both experienced a lot of personal growth navigating through it. I ended up casually dating a mutual friend, and still maintain a very casual, but satisfying relationship with her.

Being in a rural area during covid, she did not have as much success in finding a meaningful relationship, but she did start talking to an old friend online.They became very close, and formed a strong mutual attraction and emotional bond.Throughout the last two years, she assured me that our relationship was secure, and that she loved me and wanted to be with me.

That changed last month, when a couple weeks after we got in a large argument (about some random thing I can’t even remember!), she told me she thinks she’s gay.

I was in shock the first night, I think. We slept in the same bed and held each other, cried and kind of half-slept.I went through a couple weeks of intense pain, basically crying uncontrollably and mourning the loss of my relationship, and the life I’ve built over the last decade.

I enrolled in counseling, and was able to confide in a couple close friends. I also talked a lot with my wife, who was willing to listen and hold me and let me cry.

During this process, I started to undergo some DEEP self-reflection, and started utilizing tools like non-attachment to understand my situation, and to develop a framework to deal with this.I’ve made some huge progress on moving toward acceptance, but still have a long way to go.

Interestingly, though… this happening has proven to be a catalyst for some personal growth. Instead of hiding my feelings, or just experiencing them without reflection, I’ve decided to look at WHY I feel certain things, and what desires, fears or assumptions helped form that feeling.

This has been profound, and I’ve made a decision that I’m not going to fall into the trap of self-pity or victim-hood and let this trauma define me.I will take advantage of this unwanted pain, and do what I want with it. It’s my decision how I get to deal with this, and while I am hurting and so badly want my old life back, I know that isn’t possible and that I need to move on. I’m lucky that I get to choose how I move on.

My wife and I still live together with our two kids. We plan on doing that for the time being while we figure out our options.Our conversations initially focused on her getting her own place. Neither of us make much money, the housing market is crazy right now and we still value many aspects of our current lifestyle. We also value stability for our kids.We had a conversation the other day about living together and coming up with a plan to set each other up for success, before we part ways. While we haven’t decided on anything and haven’t gone over details, the idea feels good to both of us.

I’m in a strange place. I’ve never been more hurt in my entire life, and don’t want any of this to be happening. But at a certain point, something shifted inside of me, and I realized I had the option to make this an opportunity for growth. And that feels good.This whole experience has required that I accept the inevitability of pain and change in life. Intellectually, I’ve understood that, but now I am feeling it, and that has been very profound.

All that said, I’m still going through a lot… I’ve got thoughts swimming in my head 24/7, am hardly sleeping and am still in love with my wife, who I am still seeing every day. I’m having a hard time focusing at work, too.

She is not mourning our relationship and is ‘moved on’ in that respect, which is hurtful. I’ve also overheard her talking with friends about the death of our relationship in a very casual and flippant way, which was hurtful.I have a lot of thoughts about the validity of our time together, ‘was it real,’ etc., and how genuine her feelings are for me now. She says her love for me has just ‘evolved,’ but it’s hard for me to accept. I have some feelings of distrust and betrayal.

I still have yet to come to terms with how we could have had such a great intimate and romantic life for 10 years, and then ‘poof’ she’s gay, but I understand it’s complex.

Overall though, I think I’m going in a positive direction, given the circumstances.

I’m setting goals for myself. One is to be able to see my wife in a loving relationship with another woman in a beautiful house with a great life, and be genuinely happy for her.I’m not there yet, but hope I can be. Not only for her and my kids, but for myself.

I’m mostly typing this out to reflect and share, and also to make connections with others in a similar situation.

I’m open to any thoughts, questions or feedback. I'd also love to hear from people who have transcended this pain and live better lives than before, and keep their former spouse in their life, and maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Thanks. 

Last edited by wi-il-11 (March 3, 2022 8:29 am)

 

March 3, 2022 9:04 am  #2


Re: First Time Sharing

I am so sorry for what you are going through. When I found out that my ex boyfriend is gay, I was in shock. I was very lucky to meet someone after I broke up with him and got married. I wish my ex no harm but I don't want to be friends with him. You have children with your wife, so it will be more difficult for you. I wish you all the best.

 

March 3, 2022 12:57 pm  #3


Re: First Time Sharing

You said, "I still have yet to come to terms with how we could have had such a great intimate and romantic life for 10 years, and then ‘poof’ she’s gay, but I understand it’s complex."
I remember this feeling quite well. I was married to my ex for 27 years.
Luckily we were a bit older when this happened and the kids had grown up and moved out. I actually believe that this was the catalyst for her.
That happen 12 years ago. Hard to believe it was that long ago now that I am typing it.
I just attended her mothers funeral and it was the first time I had seen her in about 6 years. Had no real emotion over it though. She has moved across the country and we have no relationship. (Except I still get to 'share' my pension with her)
I have been remarried for 11 years now and I am the happiest I have been in my lifetime.
One day you will look back and it will seem like a movie you haven't seen in decades and it will only be partially real.

Best wished!
(Another rural STR8)
Clif
 

 

March 4, 2022 4:40 pm  #4


Re: First Time Sharing

Hi, I'm older than you and I know that when I discovered my ex was gay a long time had passed under the bridge and one of the first things I wanted to know was why no one had told me.

One woman I remembered.  She didn't say he was gay but she stood there in the middle of our living room and pointblank asked me what I was doing with a loser like him - he was sitting next to me.  I said something to the effect that he loved me and she just looked at me - it was entirely cringeworthy in retrospect, not a response her bravery merited.

anyway, enough about me, I don't think you're listening but I am going to stand here and say It Will Get Worse.  Not better with time, worse.  Don't do it to yourself.  If I had given that woman my attention rather than automatically sticking up for my husband it would have been a wonderful reprieve a lot earlier on in my life.

The point in your post I keep coming back to is the initiating of sex by your wife more than you.  Now that you know she is gay doesn't that make you think?  what was happening?  well this is what I thought when I read it - wow, what a performer she is.  He's in a lot of trouble.

Hope you listen to the feelings of betrayal and distrust.  Hope you can take that emotional step back and make a cool evaluation of the way your wife is behaving.  There's nothing wrong with feeling angry - it's like they say about guns, it's the person that makes a difference, and I found that feeling my anger gave me the energy I needed to deal with the situaiton I was in.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (March 4, 2022 4:48 pm)

 

March 5, 2022 7:37 am  #5


Re: First Time Sharing

Thanks everyone for your replies. 

I have to say, Lily, that there is no single straight spouse experience. I would also like to note that how women come to find they are lesbians doesn't seem to be quite the same as men. 

I realize my approach to this might look naive, but I have no delusions that I will not be hurting over this for some time. The reality is that bad things happen to good people every day. Our only power in those situations is how we choose to frame it and deal with it. 

The idea of holding onto anger, resentment and loss for the rest of my life sounds exhausting, and I'm going to have to cooperate and communicate with my wife for another 15 years at least while we raise our kids.

I'm going to do what I can to forgive my wife and move on in a positive way. Not only for her and my kids, but for myself. 

     Thread Starter
 

March 5, 2022 4:35 pm  #6


Re: First Time Sharing

Yes of course, every individual is a unique event, let alone every pairing.  There are commonalities though, aren't there.  as you read through our stories it's eerie, some of the commonalities.  As far as I understand it, it is no different for boys or girls, we know what sex attracts us from an early age.  I remember one girl, we were about 11 years old and it was a small dormitory, 7 girls, and she asked us all to line up and give her a kiss.  We were friends, I felt for her, and I know she was disappointed when there wasn't any spark.

Me, I am reading a post wanting to understand the person and listening to them describe their situation.  I said I didn't think you'd be listening because I got the sense that you were being philosophical about your own life.  This shows strength and caring.   

But it's like the story of Peter and the wolf, how he said the wolf is coming for his sheep and all these people drop everything to come and help but eventually they realise he is kidding them, the wolf isn't there at all.  The basic of this story is not the moral, where he is stuck with no help when the wolf really does come, the basic is that these people set aside their own concerns to go to his aid and yet their noble sacrifice wasn't warranted.

To be able to put your concerns, your feelings aside in support of your wife is a natural and good ability but what if she is kidding with you - then doesn't logic tell you the hurt will get worse with every time you do it?

I find it all too easy to forgive, again this is an admirable trait can be misused so listening to myself, how I am feeling, serves me better than a philosophical stance.  I am a cook and I know every good dish has an element of bitterness in it.  It aids digestion as well as adding to the taste - like adding a bit of mustard to a cheese sauce.

Understanding your situation, observing your wife, making an honest appraisal of the dynamics of your family, how your parenting is playing out now, will help you set up a good future.

 

March 11, 2022 5:35 pm  #7


Re: First Time Sharing

Your situation is so similar to mine. I am still very new to the whole idea of this. My husband of 13 years told me that he was gay about 2 weeks ago. Most days it still feels so surreal. This is man that I have shared everything with. He is my best friend and yet there was this huge part of him that I never knew about.

The question I keep asking myself is how did I not know? I have asked his family, my family and our friends if anyone had any inkling and the answer from every single one if them was the same. No one had any idea. I always thought that I knew him better than he knew himself. We had a strong, loving and supportive marriage and have two wonderful children together. There was plenty of intimacy, also usually initiated by him. We used to look at our friends marriages, most of whom fought constantly and some of which had already ended in divorce, and say to each other "thank god that's not us, we have such a good relationship." I guess the joke was on me.

He actually told me that part of the reason he waited so long to tell me after he had finally admitted to himself that he was gay was because he loved our family and our life together and he knew as soon as he told me that it would all blow up. I'm not sure how to feel about that though. Should it feel better that we were happy and he didn't want to change that, or is it worse because it was that much more to lose. 

He tells me that I'm his best friend and his favorite person and that he loves me. He told me that being with me felt right to him for many years despite his growing realization but I am struggling with that. How do you lie to someone that you claim to feel those things for, and for such a long time? It taints my memory of every moment that we spent together, because it was all based on a lie. We were in two different relationships and I didn't know it. I was and still am in love with him and had found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with and he loved me as a friend. 

He asked if there was any chance that I would stay married to him. His ideal outcome would have been to move in to the guest bedroom or the basement and we become friends that co-parent our kids. Neither one of us are able to afford the house that we live in on our own. I currently work several per diem jobs instead of one full time job because it allowed me the flexibility I needed for the kids. You are not eligible for any benefits though so my husband carried the insurance. He wants to still be able to do that for me and allow us to keep the house by staying together. 

I admire your bravery and strength in staying with your wife. I am not as strong. I asked him to stay at his parents while we figure out next steps. The idea of watching him figure out what this new life will look like for him and seeing him explore his options and find someone else is just too painful an idea for me. The truth is that I still love him and am completely heart broken. I miss him, and it hurts. But having him here hurts too and I need to find a way to move on.

Your positivity also inspires me. I am angry, sure. But I do not want to hold on to that anger. I would like to one day be able to see my husband happy and not resent him for it. I know that he is suffering too, even if it may be different from mine. He has lived with years of repression and self hate and I can't imagine what that was like for him. It does not excuse his decisions to create a life with me that he knew was unsustainable and then light it all on fire with two little words. I hope that one day I can get to where you are at and be looking toward a better future. For now, I feel that I am swimming in the darkness just trying to keep my head above water. it helps to know that I am not swimming alone.

Thank you for sharing your story with me and allowing me to share mine. I hope we are both able to find peace and happiness.

 

 

March 11, 2022 5:53 pm  #8


Re: First Time Sharing

Eileen, you asked how you could not know? It was a question you would never have expected to need to ask. We've all been there, staring at that old life and wondering what parts were real? You are welcome to start your own support thread. It's a good way to collect your thoughts, gather opinions and chart your journey.

Be well, and to quote a certain animated fish 'just keep swimming'.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

March 12, 2022 7:20 pm  #9


Re: First Time Sharing

Hi Eileen,

Sorry you find yourself here. You may want to visit a family law attorney to see what your legal and financial rights are in your area. In most jurisdictions there's room for negotiation with finances & health insurance premiums if you decide to divorce.

The emotional part of TGT is not easy. I hope it works out for you.

Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

April 2, 2022 12:05 am  #10


Re: First Time Sharing

Eileen wrote:

Your situation is so similar to mine. I am still very new to the whole idea of this.
 

Same here, only mine is even fresher. Yesterday. Yesterday my husband of 10 years and the father of my 2 kids told me he's bi and likes to cross dress in an email. I haven't even talked to him about it yet, I'm still just trying to process it. But I wanted to thank both Eileen and Wi-il-11 for sharing their stories and being hopeful of an amicable future relationship. So far most of the posts I've seen on this forum have been very negative towards continuing ANY kind of relationship with the spouse. That's not an option for me, we have children and will have to have some kind of relationship- I just don't know what that relationship is going to look like yet. Since I haven't sorted my feelings out and don't know what my future holds it was nice to see there's a few others in the same boat. So thanks you two for giving me a sort of comfort.

 

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