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February 22, 2022 11:57 pm  #1


Can't tell if these are red flags?

Please help! I've been with my husband for only a couple of years, we're in our early 30s and he is such a loving and supportive partner. I've never felt someone so in love with me as I feel with him, I have no question in terms of our romantic and emotional connection. On the other hand, lately I've been experiencing more & more anxiety regarding his sexuality and am really questioning things. I can't help but feel like there is something off. He does have several effeminate qualities, is incredibly sensitive, and extremely emotional.

Following are a list of things that make me question whether he might be gay/bi:

- Has never really cared much for sex. Has always been obsessed with receiving (and giving) oral and no problem in any other area, yet the actual act of intercourse has always felt somewhat mechanical and as though he's doing it just for me. He even mentioned once he didn't see what the big deal was about sex.
- We probably have sex less than once a week. Always been that way from the start. We "hook up" all the time & he does seem very attracted to me... but always seems to prefer oral or handjobs.
Sometimes I think I'm being paranoid, that he is just a very different, artistic type of person that's not at all worried about masculinity or all that. But then other times I can't help but feel like maybe he doesn't realize who he really is, or there's another side to him. Do these appear to be red flags or possible concerns? Thank you so much for any insight. It's been a very confusing situation & I am constantly analyzing everything.


 

Last edited by anniescott (April 21, 2022 8:40 pm)

 

February 23, 2022 2:21 am  #2


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Hi Annie, if you think something is "off" it probably is.  Trust your gut. And don't have children with him until you are sure that he loves you and not just your non-threatening, thin and curveless body.

He sounds like a withholding type of person difficult to have an intimate relationship with.

I hope your good sense guides you to some clarity.

Last edited by Soaplife (February 23, 2022 2:28 am)

 

February 23, 2022 10:44 am  #3


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

rule of thumb - if you are wondering if he is gay he probably is.

You've got a lot of pink flags there - the lack of sex and the feeling of it being mechanical when it happens is a classic.

let's put this another way - can you write a list of things that make you think that his sexuality is straight?  

 

February 23, 2022 10:46 am  #4


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Hi Annie.  My heart goes out to you for what you are going through.  I agree with Soaplife, "if you think something is "off" probably is."
You are wise to be here and asking these questions while you are only a couple years into the marriage.  Many of us spent years, now sadly lost to us, constantly analyzing and afraid to reach out to anyone.  If he is hiding who he really is, he's been doing so for most of his life and he has developed skills that will keep you off balance and tied to him emotionally.
Here are some things that are red flags to me:

1. "I've never felt someone so in love with me as I feel with him, I have no question in terms of our romantic and emotional connection.” If your suspicions are correct, he knows this and he’s engineered it.  It’s love bombing and my GIDX made me dizzy with it before we married.  I look back now, and one incident now stands out as manufactured drama, but I pushed that thought away and attributed it to his extraordinary sensitivity. 
[list=1]
[*]“He even mentioned once he didn't see what the big deal was about sex.”
[/list]
 My GIDX was my second marriage in mid life.  In my previous marriage, and a later longterm relationship, I had experienced a reduction in my interest in sex that at times became an issue between us. I was also 8 years older than my GIDX.  I expressed my concern that if we married, which he was pushing hard for, my desires might be diminished as I aged and that I would be a disappointment to him.  He assured me that our life together meant so much more to him than that, and that I was the person he wanted to grow old with. 
[list=1]
[*]“Seems to want to be submissive…”
[/list]
 I moved in overlapping outdoor social circles for years, and I was attracted to his athletic masculinity.  That was his public persona.  After we married, he told me that he and the girlfriend before me had engaged in sexual role plays where she pretended to be the male, complete with strap-on.  Thrown off? Yep. Listen to your gut. Much later as he began questing after the experiences with men that really wanted, he would rise early in the morning and spend hours watching “sissy” porn, where men are dressed up like “sluts”, and “forced” to perform acts of oral sex on both men and women.I realized the man I married was indeed a stranger to me. 
[list=1]
[*]“I asked right away if this meant he was bisexual and he immediately said no.”
[/list]
 Eight years into the marriage, I was still asking questions like that and he was STILL not giving me a definitive answer, but he was trying to hook up with men online constantly. 
[list=1]
[*]“Often has a very low mood, shy, and is a very private person- no social media or online presence really.”
[/list]
 Yep, my GIDX must have been constantly afraid that someone would pull back the curtain.He also had no online presence really…. That is until I gave him a tablet for his birthday and he learned to use it, and then it was like unleashing a monster. Don’t overreact, but don’t push aside your apprehensions.  It’s good you’re questioning this now while you are young and can start over if need be. There is much wisdom, experience, and kindness available here.  It has been my most significant support since emerging from my nightmare. Put your physical and mental health before anything else. Good luck to you.
 

 

February 23, 2022 11:58 am  #5


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Soaplife, Lily, & Leigh2453 - Thank you so much, everyone. It really means more than I can say to have these thoughts validated by others who have similar experiences. My heart goes out to you all, I am so sorry you have been through this. I know to a certain degree what a devastating, confusing feeling it is. I too take immense comfort in this forum, and I hope it offers the peace and clarity you all deserve. 

Going back to what Lily asked in terms of things that might define him as straight - he does seem to fawn over me sexually in many ways, never has a problem "keeping it up", is normal in terms of every other aspect of our sexual life EXCEPT the actual act and frequency of sex. In the beginning there were times when I would just cry after because I felt so off. But honestly, I think I have a tendency to blame myself and tell myself I'm in my head or being paranoid. Or that some guys really do just "prefer oral".....

I would also like to mention that he has a few female best friends, one who is especially very beautiful, and yet I trust him and don't feel as threatened as I feel like I would normally. There are just so many little things I guess.

Thank you again everyone for your thoughtful responses. I am grateful to have found you all!

     Thread Starter
 

February 23, 2022 12:07 pm  #6


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Leigh2453 wrote:

Hi Annie.  My heart goes out to you for what you are going through.  I agree with Soaplife, "if you think something is "off" probably is."
You are wise to be here and asking these questions while you are only a couple years into the marriage.  Many of us spent years, now sadly lost to us, constantly analyzing and afraid to reach out to anyone.  If he is hiding who he really is, he's been doing so for most of his life and he has developed skills that will keep you off balance and tied to him emotionally.
Here are some things that are red flags to me:

1. "I've never felt someone so in love with me as I feel with him, I have no question in terms of our romantic and emotional connection.” If your suspicions are correct, he knows this and he’s engineered it.  It’s love bombing and my GIDX made me dizzy with it before we married.  I look back now, and one incident now stands out as manufactured drama, but I pushed that thought away and attributed it to his extraordinary sensitivity. 
[list=1]
[*]“He even mentioned once he didn't see what the big deal was about sex.”
[/list]
 My GIDX was my second marriage in mid life.  In my previous marriage, and a later longterm relationship, I had experienced a reduction in my interest in sex that at times became an issue between us. I was also 8 years older than my GIDX.  I expressed my concern that if we married, which he was pushing hard for, my desires might be diminished as I aged and that I would be a disappointment to him.  He assured me that our life together meant so much more to him than that, and that I was the person he wanted to grow old with. 
[list=1]
[*]“Seems to want to be submissive…”
[/list]
 I moved in overlapping outdoor social circles for years, and I was attracted to his athletic masculinity.  That was his public persona.  After we married, he told me that he and the girlfriend before me had engaged in sexual role plays where she pretended to be the male, complete with strap-on.  Thrown off? Yep. Listen to your gut. Much later as he began questing after the experiences with men that really wanted, he would rise early in the morning and spend hours watching “sissy” porn, where men are dressed up like “sluts”, and “forced” to perform acts of oral sex on both men and women.I realized the man I married was indeed a stranger to me. 
[list=1]
[*]“I asked right away if this meant he was bisexual and he immediately said no.”
[/list]
 Eight years into the marriage, I was still asking questions like that and he was STILL not giving me a definitive answer, but he was trying to hook up with men online constantly. 
[list=1]
[*]“Often has a very low mood, shy, and is a very private person- no social media or online presence really.”
[/list]
 Yep, my GIDX must have been constantly afraid that someone would pull back the curtain.He also had no online presence really…. That is until I gave him a tablet for his birthday and he learned to use it, and then it was like unleashing a monster. Don’t overreact, but don’t push aside your apprehensions.  It’s good you’re questioning this now while you are young and can start over if need be. There is much wisdom, experience, and kindness available here.  It has been my most significant support since emerging from my nightmare. Put your physical and mental health before anything else. Good luck to you.
 

Hi Leigh2453 - Wow, thank you so much for your response and I am so sorry you have experienced all this. You've provided a lot of incredibly helpful insight into these behaviors and I definitely agree that there is often some serious love bombing happening as well. I believe it's a pattern in many of his previous relationships. I hope you are healing and wish you all the happiness in your new chapter.

Last edited by anniescott (February 23, 2022 12:08 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

February 23, 2022 12:58 pm  #7


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

You shouldn't feel a need to be 'stick-thin' to gain his attention and be 'perfect'.
This is a treadmill and it puts the responsibility for maintaining the relationship completely upon yourself.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 23, 2022 1:26 pm  #8


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Daryl, I agree it puts tremendous pressure where it should not be. My thoughts on this however is I wonder if this is caused by subconsciously feeling his lack of attraction to women in general, where it takes more work to gain his attention because of it.

     Thread Starter
 

February 23, 2022 2:30 pm  #9


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

Annie one thing these Gay In Denial spouses are masters at is making their spouse feel like they are to blame.  that it's their responsibility to fix things.

When you say it might be your fault for having a subconscious reaction it speaks volumes to me.  Um, so for starters, your subconscious reaction to having sex with a gay man is not let me try and be more attractive to him, that is your conscious response, your subconscious is saying ewww, that doesn't feel right.  Your subconscious isn't fooled for one moment by what you are seeing - his masculine body.  or hearing - his words.

When you say he fawns over you sexually the first thing I want to ask is does he do that in front of other people or just when you are alone.  The reason is that my ex would put his arm round me in a sexually possessive way in front of other people but he never put his arms round me when we were alone.  It was performative not an expression of true feelings.  He could keep it up through to his 40's when he just couldn't any more.

There's sexual orientation and there's positioning.  This is just my guess but my guess is that submissive gay men are more inclined to want to marry a woman because at least they get to rule the roost.  When I finally left my miserable long term marriage, goodness I was a putz and glad to see you here questioning early on, when I finally left I was saying it was like I'd been henpecked by an industrial strength chicken.  He insisted on being the alpha female.

Possibly the worst thing, the most damaging thing about being hoovered up by a GID, oh sorry let me put that politely being married to a person who is denying their homosexuality, is that their parcel of lies puts a wedge between your unconscious and your conscious - constantly questioning yourself, wondering what's wrong with you,  Why?  because you trust him.  Is the sky blue, no it's green - it's distressing in a very real deep-seated way to have your trust abused like that, you look to him to corroborate reality with you not baldfaced lie to you and then put the finger of blame for the confusion you are feeling onto you.

It ends up feeling like you are walking in a nightmare because your conscious reality is so at odds with what your subconscious reality, your poor body is saying to you.





 

Last edited by lily (February 23, 2022 2:45 pm)

 

February 23, 2022 2:56 pm  #10


Re: Can't tell if these are red flags?

lily wrote:

Annie one thing these Gay In Denial spouses are masters at is making their spouse feel like they are to blame.  that it's their responsibility to fix things.

When you say it might be your fault for having a subconscious reaction it speaks volumes to me.  Um, so for starters, your subconscious reaction to having sex with a gay man is not let me try and be more attractive to him, that is your conscious response, your subconscious is saying ewww, that doesn't feel right.  Your subconscious isn't fooled for one moment by what you are seeing - his masculine body.  or hearing - his words.

When you say he fawns over you sexually the first thing I want to ask is does he do that in front of other people or just when you are alone.  The reason is that my ex would put his arm round me in a sexually possessive way in front of other people but he never put his arms round me when we were alone.  It was performative not an expression of true feelings.  He could keep it up through to his 40's when he just couldn't any more.

There's sexual orientation and there's positioning.  This is just my guess but my guess is that submissive gay men are more inclined to want to marry a woman because at least they get to rule the roost.  When I finally left my miserable long term marriage, goodness I was a putz and glad to see you here questioning early on, when I finally left I was saying it was like I'd been henpecked by an industrial strength chicken.

Possibly the worst thing, the most damaging thing about being hoovered up by a GID, oh sorry let me put that politely being married to a person who is denying their homosexuality, is that their parcel of lies puts a wedge between your unconscious and your conscious - constantly questioning yourself, wondering what's wrong with you, why, because you trust him.  Is the sky blue, no it's green - it's distressing in a very real deep-seated way to have your trust abused like that, you look to him to corroborate reality with you not baldfaced lie to you and then put the finger of blame for the confusion you are feeling onto you.

It ends up feeling like you are walking in a nightmare because your conscious reality is so at odds with what your subconscious reality, your poor body is saying to you.





 

Lily, you have truly pinpointed exactly the whirlwind of emotions and feelings this situation has created. Thank you. You are right about the reaction after sleeping with him - I hadn't thought about it in that way, but that is what goes on. My gut knows something is off, but my mind can't quite catch up or accept it maybe. It is a confusing, exhausting nightmare at times and it changes the way you trust others.

His admiration is both in private & sometimes public, and to be honest, I do feel it's authentic. I just think he has this other side. Maybe for some men, attraction for both male & female can exist, but as you've highlighted, it really does take a toll on the dynamic of the relationship and our own psyche.
 

     Thread Starter
 

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