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- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Little white lie, am I overthinking?
OutofHisCloset wrote:
...you might want to read up on the tactics of abusers and narcissists, because you are seeing them in action in your life. DARVO, gaslighting, minimizing, blame-shifting, etc: once you know to watch for these, it will be eye-opening.
Wanted to take a second and go back to respond on to this statement in particular. He is not a narcissist. I am very familiar with their tactics, I was raised by a pair of them and it was brutal. My husband does not fit the bill. He does, however, have borderline personality disorder. He’s gotten a lot better about keeping himself in check over the years, and he’s never lashed out physically.
I’m also *unfortunately* well versed in abuse of every kind... my adolescent years were turbulent, to put it lightly. I was an absolute train wreck when he met me, and though he’s certainly done damage himself, he has also helped me piece myself together in a lot of ways. I can only imagine how taxing those first few years with me were. I’m much more stable now, but there are deep scars that will never fully fade, and dealing with them resurfacing from time to time that can be exhausting (as he has admitted himself).
The moral here is that he might not be perfect, but neither am I. Everyone has baggage they bring to the table.
Edit: in response to your second comment.
I will be paying very close attention from here on out. For sake of my sanity I kind of have to.
Last edited by HopelessRomantic (February 15, 2022 1:24 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Little white lie, am I overthinking?
I have a niece with BPD. Living with someone with BPD can be destabilizing to everyone in the family, that's for sure. I hope you have a therapist to help you negotiate what you're going through now (can't remember every detail of your story).
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 15, 2022 1:27 pm)
- Soaplife
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Re: Little white lie, am I overthinking?
HopelessRomantic, it is disturbing that a BPD, trans-exploring, experimenting, secretly spending, less than honest husband reminds you of your past trauma as leverage to guilt you about questioning his behaviour.
Research codependency ...very common in people raised by narcissists (ask me how I know). Its ok to not want to be a part of his exploration. To set your own boundaries over whats acceptable to you without reference to his wants/expectations.
Im sorry you are having to face this at such a vulnerable time for you. I hope you have your own therapist for support.
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Little white lie, am I overthinking?
MJM017,
He doesn’t have a therapist. But he’s made truly amazing progress over the years just by using introspection and talking through things with me when he needs to... and I mean that, it’s an absolute night and day difference. He was a grade-A prick when we were young(er) and he’s grown kinder/more gentle with age.
Soaplife,
He doesn’t use my emotional baggage against me, I did not at all mean it that way. He’s always tried to be understanding and supportive in that regard, even if sometimes he’s missed the mark a bit. He’s admitted that it’s not always easy, and sometimes it can be exhausting... that’s not the same as guilting me, that’s totally reasonable honesty in my opinion. It’s no different for him to acknowledge that my preexisting insecurities exasperating our current problems is sometimes difficult for him to handle than it is for me to acknowledge that certain feelings and situations hit me harder than they otherwise might because of my past experiences. Both are valid statements that serve the purpose of simply asking for patience and understanding in difficult situations.
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Thread Starter- HopelessRomantic
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Re: Little white lie, am I overthinking?
MJM017,
I’m not sure I understand what you mean by that. Would you mind elaborating? Because though the mental issues still exist, it does in all honesty seem like he’s gotten better about not acting on those irrational thoughts and impulses, and to me that seems like progress.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Little white lie, am I overthinking?
Hi HopelessRomantic,
If you read our stories here one of the things that emerges is how we think we are married to our best friend. That the relationship we have is special.
Eventually I came to the conclusion that it was my ex who thought he was special.
Another thing is feeling that childhood trauma has damaged us so much we are just lucky to be able to stay with our partner. I have found that I do a lot better away from him.
It's really tricky because loving someone means believing in them. Eventually I found that believing in him had come at the cost of believing in myself.
Last edited by lily (February 17, 2022 1:49 pm)