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February 11, 2022 4:52 pm  #1

Needs to drink and watch porn

Hey guys: Piper checking in. I left my husband and moved into my own condo over a year ago.
I'm still questioning whether or not my estranged husband is gay. 
Here are some things that bothered me when we were together:
1. He had to drink liquor and watch porn to have sex with me. Just to get in the mood. It was hetero porn, but my gut tells me he was checking out the men. He once said he hated hardcore porn because of the up close shots of vaginas.
2. He checks out men's bodies on TV. But women's too.
3. He has two gay buddies.
4. I heard a rumor years ago his first wife caught him in bed with a man. She denied it when I asked her.
5. Never opens eyes during sex. Sex had dwindled to every few weeks.
6. Has poop stains in his underwear.
7. Never wanted anal and will perform oral if drunk.
8. Never found sex toys or prepH
9. He is gone sometimes and out of reach during the day.
10. He loves cycling, musicals, but also is into sports.
11. My gut screamed that he was gay. I have and had no proof.
I'd love your thoughts as I question having left him a year ago. 


February 11, 2022 5:28 pm  #2

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn

Hey Piper,

So just my opinion but needing to be drunk and watch porn to have sex with you seems like a pretty big red flag, and coupling it with things like being turned off by seeing vaginas, keeping eyes closed during sex, and having sex become infrequent instinctually make me question a man’s sexuality... so my gut says “Yes, he’s gay.” Obviously, I do have a bit of a biased opinion based off of my own experiences and concerns. But to be fair, people all have preferences when it comes to what they find attractive so it’s entirely possible that he just wasn’t that into you... and that doesn’t make you any less beautiful and worthy of love.

As for poop stains, he could have digestive issues or hygiene issues... I’ve heard that apparently adults not properly wiping is a weirdly common issue. Ew. So I wouldn’t overthink that piece to much.


February 11, 2022 8:15 pm  #3

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn

Piper, kudos on trusting your own judgement, making the decision that the life was not acceptable to you and doing something about it.

Time to stop second-guessing yourself by trying to untangle his skein. Obviously something wasn't right, so you left. Good call. End of chapter.



February 11, 2022 10:03 pm  #4

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn

I didn't have any evidence either, just my gut sense he was gay.  It wasn't til after I left that I got confirmation from an old friend who knew him as a teenager.  Then with that confirmation odd things from my past, like this co-worker of his who seemed so wedded to him, fell into place.

In your case though, when you sought corroboration from his first wife you didn't get it.  Do they have children together?  did she do well out of the divorce?  It might be worth going back to the person who told you that she'd found him in bed with a man and talk further.  

I do agree with Soaplife about not second guessing your own judgement, but I also know it felt good to get that corroboration from someone else - I think it's just the way we're built - once I had that corroboration I felt myself relax away from even thinking about it, question fully answered, no need to even wonder if I was wrong.


February 12, 2022 11:29 am  #5

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn

Thanks you all for the wisdom and comments and advice. I'll probably never know for sure. Lots of us won't. But God gave us intuition for a good reason. Blessings to all!

     Thread Starter

February 12, 2022 11:52 am  #6

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn

Hi Piper,

I found evidence on social media after my GIDXH passed away.  He solicited a MTF transwoman for sex.

It was a relief but I wasn't prepared for the pain it caused. We were married when he wrote the message so this was proof of his cheating and lying about being straight. 

A spouse often has a gut feeling about adultery and other marriage-altering secrets.  Agree with Soaplife about not second-guessing that.

Live your best life going forward. Take care.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

February 15, 2022 10:25 pm  #7

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn

I’m soon separating from my husband, and he’s now opening up about his secrets. One was that for our 17 years he had to watch porn (binge watch, were his words) before having sex with me. He hid it. I never suspected. He also was totally disconnected during sex, it had to be dark and he couldn’t let me see him naked ever.

If I’d known about needing gay porn before sex I wouldn’t have taken the blame for being gross and unlovable. I saw the disgust on his face when we had sex, and thought I was disgusting. I’m trying to heal from that and it may be years - that one part of the abuse cuts so deeply. And all those times, he was wanting men and looking at porn, knowing I thought it was my fault because I cried to him about it. I asked what I could do to be prettier to him. He knew the real reason, but let me think this about myself - and that feels like a murder now. He killed a part of me.


February 16, 2022 8:18 am  #8

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn


The fact that you're asking the question even after leaving him says a lot..like the anxiety of wondering is there whether you're with him or not.
I found all the evidence I needed and my GX was pretty blatant about it.  But what got me was the excuse she used many times..I was out with (insert name of married straight friend here) ..so I was not supposed to be wondering if she was on a date or having sex.  When they lie how is one supposed to trust anything..the anxiety can eat you up.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

February 16, 2022 8:31 am  #9

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn


Your post made me cry. To think we are faulty and not lovable..subtly or directly inferred over many years.   It's so not true and these spouses doing that if not sociopathic, demonic and immoral..its not something one does to someone they are supposed to love.  Not normal. 

Getting away from that, I found, was not a loss but a priceless gain.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

February 16, 2022 10:23 am  #10

Re: Needs to drink and watch porn

That’s very healing and validating to read. I think this spring and summer will be a time of picking up self worth and feeling better about myself.


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