The real rejection started on the honeymoon back in 2003.  It grew from there.  It was always because I'd done something wrong or because I hadn't done something right.  In the end, there was only intimacy if we were trying to have a child or because he was terrified that I would leave him.  In bed, it was hardly intimate.  He couldn't face me, look me in the eyes and the only position he was successful in was if he faced my back.  I found it so transactional. There's no intimacy to it because it's so impersonal.  For this reason alone, I don't believe he's bi-sexual.
Even though I'm university educated, I come from a very conservative background where girls are meant to serve and please, so he picked a great mark.  I could earn money and bake a cake! I should have realised back in 1996 when his mother sent him a pink jacket and a shirt with pink and purple flowers everywhere and he sort of hugged them with glee....I looked at them and looked at him and asked him if he was really going to wear them because where I come from in Australia at that time, the only men who wore such things were gay.  He could have told me right then and there.  I would have accepted him.  I never knew there were closet gays in the 90's.  Hadn't we sorted things out already? Even if my family comes from Conservative Central, I am much more centre, even left in my politics compared to most in my social circle.  I've never had a problem with gay rights.  I figured the feminine patterns plus other quizzical traits were just some European/Swiss thing and ignored my instincts.  It was only recently I came across the wonder of the straight spouse thing.  Like it's a thing and I'm not going crazy and I am not alone in this.  Recently, I told my mother that he's gay and we're getting a divorce.  At first she refused to believe me because "you have kids!" and then she said, even if it's true, that I should never mention it again but tell everyone he has another woman...great.  Thanks Mum!

Anyway, years and years of a sexless marriage then anytime he sensed that I was thinking to leave, he'd either frighten me with stories about how tough it is out there alone or he'd book a holiday and woo me...short term until he thought it was safe to return to our normal dysfunctional life.   I started to twig about the homosexuality because each time we were intimate and he saw breasts etc, he deflated.  During my pregnancies all my girlfriends were saying how their husbands found them ultra feminine etc and my GID wouldn't lay a finger on me.  It was a really sad and very lonely time. Then I found an app purchase for an all male sauna in Lausanne.  I've asked him over and over again during the last three or four years.  He never denies it but he can't just say yes, I'm gay.  He ducks and weaves around it or stays really silent.  I think if you're straight, you would absolutely deny being gay.  You wouldn't stay silent or ask rhetorical questions.

Recently, I have been stuck in Australia for two years whilst he stayed in Europe, and I was starting to get my confidence back.  I started to question things he said.  He noticed it.  He doesn't tolerate questioning much.  Instead of wooing me back, this time he was becoming more and more aggressive with me on the phone.  Arguing for the smallest thing or even fabricating an argument over nothing.  Then about four or five months ago, he started to leave clues that he had another woman plus I found out that he had been skimming off our savings since the very beginning.  A huge amount of money is missing.  I realised that during every childbirth, and even the death of one child, every single month he had been skimming money into his own secret account.   I could not believe it.  I could not believe the level of systematic betrayal.  We buried our baby and at the same time, he was taking the money for the mortgage account and putting it into his rainy day divorce fund.   During one of his most recent tirades and his talk of divorce I said, "You're gay, we can divorce but it would be totally unfair to do this to yet another woman" He replied, "So what? It's not your problem!"  

But it is my problem.  It's been my problem since he first deceived me.  We have kids together.  And now he intends to swap me for another idiot so she can cook for him and make him look good at client dinners.  I found out that he has also started a campaign to all our friends, well they were really his friends because he always made any new friends I made feel unwelcome, but even so, these friends have all of a sudden stopped corresponding with me.  Like I've done something awful.  I have no idea what.  I am not there to defend myself.  I've been in Australia with the kids, one of whom has a suppressed immune system.

I can see he will go full blown narcissist on me.  I tend to put at the back of my mind all the horrible things he's done to me over the years.  It was somehow the only way to survive.  I was in a foreign country, with kids and dependent upon him.  I had a career until cancer in 2014.  I am not surprised by the cancer.  I was walking on eggshells the whole time not to make him angry.  I couldn't have friends.  I couldn't play music.  I look back and wonder why I stayed so long and it was because if I left him, it would have been a disaster for me and my kids financially.  I come from a divorced family so I also really wanted to avoid that for my children.  I think that was a big mistake.  It was a rotten marriage and a rotten example to them.

Anyway, he's playing a lot of dirty tricks now but I wonder how bad it will get?  I am so happy that Covid kept me in Australia long enough that I can file for divorce here but I know it will get bad.  He is totally threatened by the fact that I'm the only person on earth who knows who he really is (except maybe his mother??).  Will this help me or will this make it just so much worse?  How far will he go to ensure I don't expose him? Sometimes, you can hear from his voice that he takes pleasure in saying things that upset me.  I think the discard phase will be brutal. Everybody posts about not duelling with a narcissist but what if you have no choice?  What do you do?  How do you handle it?

I don't wish to necessarily out him.  I just want to get out with as much of the assets as are rightfully mine so that I can start again...at 51....Cancer has stopped my career for seven years so it will be a struggle to go back to the workforce.  I will have to go back to Europe to get my things and organise leaving etc but I'm even scared to sleep in the same house as him.  Is there anything I can do to help make the divorce easier so he doesn't go all narcissist abusive on me?