It’s been a fast unraveling for me, thanks in a big way to this forum and the podcasts and Sean’s interviews. I’m blown away by something that I’ve done for these 17 years of painful marriage. To myself (and sometimes him!) I quipped that he meets all the depression characteristics but isn’t depressed. Or that our marriage has all the red flags of abuse but he loves me. The cognitive dissonance is bewildering to see now!

I have a Masters degree in counseling and BA degree in psychology. I’ve worked very part-time hours at a center for abused women, helping them try to separate and find safety. I’ve taught parenting classes to people who lost custody and tried to bring their kids home. I was going to be a therapist, until my husband swept me away from getting licensed or having a career. Part of the abuse was being a homeschool mom (no friends, no one sees us up close, he always told me the money isn’t mine, etc). But even with my limited background in mental health, I saw every single flag!

What did I do? I bent them around like mental gymnastics, marveling at how weird it was that we checked all those boxes. When he wouldn’t be social or find a better job, I’d laugh and say, “You’re like a depressed guy without actually being depressed!” Or if he told me the kids can’t handle me working more than very part-time, very low pay, I’d say, “If someone at the center  heard you without knowing you, they’d think you’re keeping me dependent in a controlling way. But I know you love me and there’s more to it than what guys like that do the girls at work.”

I have journals filled with pain about  this. I wrote these flags down a million ways. Like my mind or soul was leaving all the evidence. You know in a movie when they find the secret room with all the bomb equipment and the walls are covered with the plans? I left that for myself! It’s here for me to see, the minute I could grasp what it meant. It feels like that movie scene. And I can’t go back to the lies.