Hello Islander, a sad welcome. This is difficult, things have changed and there is nothing about it that was your doing and nothing you can undo. This one part drew my attention;

" We discussed an open marriage, with the intention of slowly separating. I've got to think about this when I'm less emotional. In theory, it sounds like a much better plan than slamming into a brick wall. The problem is that I still love my wife. She is my everything. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone else. I'm worried it will crush me to find out she is on a date."

I would be very cautious about moving into this direction. Many of us have found our spouses eagerly jump ahead of us while we are still trying to find our feet, feeling that we still have an emotional commitment to them and are still taking our marriage vows seriously. I expect that what you fear will happen, faster than you are ready for it.

If you have decided that separation and eventual divorce is how this will have to go, I would suggest that first, press pause. Catch your breath, allow yourself some time to adjust to this new reality. Then seek legal advice or look up the process for your jurisdiction. If you are not antagonistic, you may be able to save on lawyers fees by doing most of the negotiation between yourselves. Save the legal part for an overview and filing the right information. Until you have some emotional separation from your spouse, I would caution on opening the marriage. It may have the effect of keeping you stuck and feeling unworthy. For as long as you still live in the same home, some rules should be drawn up. Otherwise you might find yourself being the one at home, doing 99% of the parenting, while your spouse is out and about til the wee hours, discovering her new self and creating new relationships.

Good luck and be well.
p.s. - find someone you can confide in and come here to talk as often as you need to.
 

Last edited by Daryl (January 31, 2022 9:20 am)

Islander, 
   Another reason not to agree to open your marriage (or to go outside your marriage) is that it might matter legally in a divorce.  Please take the advice you've been given and go see a lawyer.  If you hesitate to take what looks like a decisive step towards divorce, it might help to think of a consultation with a family law attorney as fact-finding, information-seeking, at a time when your world has been upended.  Finding out what your rights are and what behavior you should avoid does not obligate you to divorce, it merely gives you important guidance if you later decide to divorce--it's good to know about things like moving out of the marital house, which can be construed as abandonment and used against you, or sleeping with your wife if she reveals she has a girlfriend already, which can mean you can't file for a "fault" divorce. 

Thanks everyone, for the support. It's nice to see some rational and level headed comments, while my brain is spinning.

Every thought in the world has gone through my mind today... my brain always goes to a "fix it!" place. When in reality, there's nothing to fix.

I've moved into the spare room. We've talked about so much. How we could maybe make this work - we do still love eachother, we've been faithful, we have a really great life! Part of me wants to believe that with some open mindedness and willing to try to find out how to make us work, maybe we can stay together. We have discussed this, as she said "I don't want to believe this!", she also loves the life we have made. We have a romantic attraction.

The other part of me clearly sees the other 80% chance that this is over. She is obviously feeling a newly found urge that she wants to act on. The rational part of me knows that each day should be one step closer to separation... but first I need to get out of this state of shock.

The good thing is that I truly believe the separation will be as "clean" as possible. We are both 100% on board with 50/50 custody, which is HUGE. Money... well, it matters and it doesn't. We lost a lot of it in our move, there's not a lot left. She has a decent job, I've got a little bit higher paying job. Either way though, it won't be enough to come close to a lifestyle of combined income.

This morning I heard the pitter patter of my kid's feet, which woke me from my 3 hours of sleep, and for an instant I had forgotten about it all. Then I opened my eyes and remembered I was in the spare room. It wasn't just a nightmare. What a bummer.

Islander,

Your story is similar to mine. After 13 yrs. together, married for 10, my husband, completely out of the blue, told me he was attracted to men. I thought we had the perfect marriage, and we were both happy. We stayed together for another 9 months, and then he finally told me he was gay and that's how he wanted to live his life. That he was happy with me, but not happy enough.

I thought he was my best friend and was devastated for everything I was losing. I was sorry to put our child through this situation. I hoped to somehow keep our friendship.
He moved out 9 months ago, and things have not been easy. I have so many emotions; I don't think love is one of them anymore. 
The person I used to know is gone. I cannot understand how a person can live as straight for 44 yrs, marry twice, and finally decide it's time to be true to himself, without having hid other traits of their personality as well. Now I'm left to deal with a person who puts his interests above our child's. I wish I never had to see/deal with him, but I have to because of our child. Co-parenting is not going well.
Good luck on your journey.
 

This is such an intensely emotional process. I feel so badly for all of us here! I thought I was alone, but realizing others are experiencing this sickening rollercoaster too!? Ugh

I never knew a human body could dwell in such a state of sadness, loss, confusion, grief, self doubt, fear, anger, disappointment,  and still... LOVE

My best friend, partner for life, husband, soul mate, everything- has come out after 21 years together. All of which I charrished to the fullest extent.  Believing in myself, him, our partnership. It's absolutely soul crushing. Overwhelming. 

Life is difficult.  I didn't understand until this happened.
I still don't understand anything!!

Cheers to all of us for getting up in the morning. For breathing. For putting one foot in front of the other.

Hopefully life really does go on, hopefully our pain can make us better people.