OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- Ouch
- New member
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Hot and Cold
I’m new to this. Both understanding what’s going on and posting to a forum. I gave a try to search and see if I could find any thing on this…
One week ago, my wife of 16 years told me that she was a lesbian. I have been heartbroken ever since. I had never heard of or honestly thought about mixed orientation marriages until she brought it up to me. She said she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do, but wanted to take everything day by day. I have been reading through these forums since then. I love her and am committed to her and figuring out how to make this work. I am trying to give her time to figure it out, but she is so hot and cold. One minute she sits by me and holds my hand, the next she acts like she can’t stand being in the same room as me. One minute hope, the next I half way expect her to be packing a bag to leave. I don’t know where she stands and haven’t been able to ask her. When I try to talk to her about it she gets angry that I am not letting her figure it out. I want to give her time, but I want clarity to. I don’t feel like I am being pushy, but I also know that she is going through some crazy trauma right now. If this is all normal (whatever that means), I will work with that. Are the romantic/emotional mood swings normal during this period? Should I continue to expect the hot and cold from her? Am I being dumb for even trying? I guess the biggest question is what should I be expecting this early in to this?
- Daryl
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Re: Hot and Cold
Hello Ouch, I don't often post in this category. I cannot say much about what you should expect in the long-term. For my time in a MOM, I did not have the benefit of knowing I was in one. I can say I believe it has two basic requirements that it shares with every marriage. Honesty and Communication. I don't think you can have a relationship without these basic items. Now, one week in may be a bit soon to expect clarity. However, day-by-day just kicks the can down the road so the uncertainty will continue. In my opinion, that's no way to live over the longer term. Any idea how long she has know this before telling you? Were there signs? Has she sought any counseling? Many of us are eager to help our spouse and do whatever it takes. Sometimes to our own detriment. Don't lose your core values in all this.
Good luck and be well.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Blue Bear
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Re: Hot and Cold
I'm sorry you are going through this. My advice (three years post discovering my ex-wife's same-sex affair, two years post divorce) is to remember what is acceptable to you. So ask yourself the following.
1. Before you got married and met your wife, were you searching for a lesbian to be your wife and partner for life? Or were you searching for a straight woman? Would it have been acceptable for you to have married a lesbian?
2. She's probably known about her same-sex attraction to women for a long time. She doesn't like men, and you are a man. Did she disclose her same-sex attraction to you, and if not, how do you feel about this overdue disclosure?
3. Almost all of the time, it's a same-sex affair that blows the hinges off our partners' closet doors. Did your wife have an affair (dig into this if you're not sure), and if so, how do you feel about that? There's no difference between a hetero affair and a same-sex affair -- it's cheating and was probably not something you agreed to.
Give yourself time to process this. It's a seismic shock to your life, and it's ok if you need longer than a week, a month or longer.
- BMT5000
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Re: Hot and Cold
Ouch,
I'm a little ahead of you but not much. Over the past 12-18 months I had repeatedly asked my wife to join me in seeking help for our non-existent sex life. During our first counseling session my wife of 21 yrs (she is 50 I am 48 and we have a 14 yr old daughter) came out to me. This was Thanksgiving week 2021 so like you I am very new to this and 2 months in is not a lot of time to work through everything I will need to. So far it has been a tumultuous time and there have been moments of clarity and joy with my wife and times when I cried so hard I was sore the next day. We don't know what our future is yet but here is what we are doing to figure out:
1) I am for the first time in my life taking an antidepressant, Sertraline HCL (Zoloft). As someone born and raised in the south in a traditional family therapists and medications were not a thing anyone talked about or would do. After a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store while figuring out which type of rice to buy I knew I needed help. I talked to my physician and I am so glad I did. The medication hasn't numbed me or turned me into a zombie rather it has helped me level out my emotions and reduce the wild swings. I like to think of like this "I can still hear the music of my emotions I've just turned down the volume a little so it's not drowning out everything else." It isn't a panacea but it has been helpful. FYI it takes about 30 days for it to kick-in so the sooner you get started the better.
2) We are seeing a couple's therapist. We have seen her via Zoom about once a week and it is great to have a 3rd party there to sometimes ask the objective hard question, push a little, call us out (gently) when one of us says something that might be out of bounds or to ask us to clarify what we need.
3) She has her own therapist and I am looking for one. I have had a couple of one-on-one sessions with our couple's therapist thinking that her knowing the background would be helpful in guiding me but I think it is important we each have our own outlet and person to talk to in part not to try to bias our couple's therapist.
4) Before we discuss our future (married monogamous platonic, married some sort of openness, divorce) we are first taking time to rebuild the foundation we will need to have that discussion in a productive manner. This includes working on communication, being honest and transparent, setting boundaries, accountability.
5) Hearing her story. While my world has been absolutely turned upside down and there are times I am angry, sad, confused, hurt, happy, and depressed I still have to stop myself and remember that for the past 21 years of marriage she has been suffering in silence and unable to reconcile her feelings and who she is. Hearing her story from her, and we are still working on her sharing more, has been good for me. To know this is something she struggled with for years and it wasn't just a snap decision or a switch that flipped rather a slow boil over decades has made more sympathetic and empathetic. Also her knowing I am here to support her and want her to share has helped her emotionally as she also works to figure out the future.
At the end of the day this is a woman I have loved for more than 20 yrs, the mother of my daughter, my best friend, and the person I always thought I would grow old with. Things have changed and it will never be the way it was before. While I can't change that I can work to make the future the best it can for each of us individually, as a couple, and as a family.
I hope this helps.