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January 19, 2022 2:19 pm  #1


I don't know how we come back from this

5 days ago, my wife of 17 years told me she was pansexual, and that she is attracted to women. She said she'd had these feelings for a long time, but didn't have a label for them. She says she loves me, and always has, but I don't know how that can be 100% true. She says she was in denial for a long time, but just recently came to terms with it and wanted to be honest with me.

I started to suspect something was up about 6 months ago. My wife has a close female friend (also married) who came out to her as bisexual. She told her about some relationships she'd had with women. She told her how her husband was ok with it and even joined in on some threesome. Since then, she has been trying to casuallyfeel me out about it, asking if I could do a threesome. I told her no, I thought that was a bad idea that could get messy. A few days later, she told me the truth.

I suspect that she may be having a relationship with this friend. I asked her to see her text message history with her and she had deleted it. Needless to say, that makes me even more suspicious. She claims she deleted them because she was venting about fights we had and didn't want to hurt my feelings. I told her I would much rather see that and be proven wrong about the affair. Her friend said she would forward me the messages from her phone, but I haven't seen any yet. Now she's giving me excuses as to why her friend doesn't want me ti see the messages.

Even if she is not being unfaithful, I am absolutely gutted by this.

Our sex life has been on life support for years now, and when I tried talking to her about it, she got defensive and claimed I wanted more than she could give, and that she was happy with our sex life.

But the night she came out, ahe also admitted to watching lesbian porn. Obviously she was not happy with our sex life and needed something I can't give her.

We have been growing steadily more distant from each other for years, and I have been sad about it for a long time. We have been fighting more.often and more intensely. I knew we were having problems, but I thought we were going to get past them.

Now I think that her secret was probably a huge part of those fights and problems we had. Maybe she had built up resentment toward me for not being able to be who she was.

The night she told me, she promised me sex, and when I started to talk about some of my concerns, she told.me to let it go or there would be no sex. I am ashamed to say that I was so desperate for her that I went along. We've had more sex in the last 5 days than we've had in months. I know that's bad, and I feel guilty about it now. I have been deprived for a long time that I started thinking with my libido instead of my brain.

I think the sex isanipulation on her part. She knows she can get me to agree to just about anything if she dangles it in front of me, and I've been frustrated long enough that it works every time

We've had several long conversations about it, and sometimes it feels like progress. She sees how much she has hurt me and says she is sorry.

She promises never to act on her desires, but I don't know if that's realistic. And even if she never does, I still feel like our entire marriage is built on a lie. Maybe a lie told from her confusion and fear, but a lie nonetheless.

She wants marriage counseling, but I don't think that will be helpful. We went through marriage counseling once before, and it ended up with me shouldering most of the blame for everything.

We have 3 children (13,9,3) and I don't want to destroy their lives with a divorce, but I don't know how we can come back from this.

Thanks.

Last edited by TimR11 (January 19, 2022 2:27 pm)

 

January 19, 2022 2:33 pm  #2


Re: I don't know how we come back from this

I forgot to mention that my wife's mother is a lesbian, who is in the closet to this day even though everyone in her family knows. She had been living with a woman for over 20 years and still claims they are just friends.

I don't know all the details of her parent's divorce, but the parallels are obvious.

     Thread Starter
 

January 19, 2022 6:19 pm  #3


Re: I don't know how we come back from this

Hi Tim, this is a hard situation to be in. You know what you want to happen but there's that other part of you that suggests what is really going on. Head vs. heart. Regardless of the situation, you deserve the honest truth and not to have carrots dangled in front of you. For counseling to work, both parties need to want to make it work and full communication and trust is needed. It seems she has done enough to make you rightfully a bit suspicious about her relationship with this other person. I'd suggest it's on her to prove she can commit, but first I think it might be wise if she sought some individual counseling. She needs to figure out what she wants, why is she manipulating you, covering her tracks, etc. Living with an unresolved and unfulfilled desire can cause many issues. Depression, irritability, anger, substance abuse, and so on.

As for divorce, it's not the childhood-destroying monster many of us expect. Sometimes staying together 'for the kids' is the wrong course of action. How many happy childhood memories will you take from a family life where your parents barely interact, except in anger? You are modeling adult relationships for them. This is what they will expect in their own future.

It's a lot to think about. Please treat yourself kindly.

Last edited by Daryl (January 19, 2022 6:20 pm)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

January 19, 2022 8:19 pm  #4


Re: I don't know how we come back from this

TimR I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  If you want a monogamous heterosexual marriage and your wife wants lesbian relationships in an open marriage, there is no coming back from her revelations.

Try not to let yourself be manipulated with sex.  These people know well how to mess with us. And another pregnancy is something you probably don't need in your situation.

Very few mixed orientation marriages last beyond 5 years after discovery.

I'm a believer in ripping off the bandaid, facing facts and calling it quits rather than entertaining false hopes of a compromise that really only benefits the gay person.

Get yourself a therapist to help you talk it out and process this life-shattering revelation. 

And ... see a lawyer to start talking practicalities about separation and divorce.

Again, I'm so sorry.

 

January 20, 2022 9:09 am  #5


Re: I don't know how we come back from this

I agree with Daryl. Children can sense if their parents are unhappy. It is better to live with one happy parent than with two unhappy parents. I wish you the best of luck and am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

 

January 20, 2022 6:10 pm  #6


Re: I don't know how we come back from this

I’m 7 months from discovering my husband was having sexual encounters with men our entire marriage. 34 years. It’s crushing to hear this truth. My gut told me to get out ASAP, and we separated right away. Divorce is in process. We have no children, but share dogs. Listen to your gut. You’ll need some quiet time for that, self care too. It takes a LONG time to process this kind of news. It’s shocking. Time does truly help, especially once you make a firm decision where you are headed. Take care of you and your children FIRST. 

 

January 22, 2022 12:15 pm  #7


Re: I don't know how we come back from this

Hey, TimR11:  I'm sorry you are going through this.

I totally understand being concerned about the kids.  The last year of my marriage was a disaster because my ex-wife was having a secret lesbian affair.  I tried to "fix" the marriage during that time, as well as almost six months after I discovered the lesbian affair.  I put up with a lot of abuse and garbage from her because I wanted to maintain an intact family for my kids.

You have to do what works for you, but here's how I landed with the help of a lot of time, talking with friends and family, and therapy.  It's better for kids to be from a broken home than in a broken home.  I could not (and should not) continue an unhealthy relationship with a woman who had deceived me, betrayed me, and discarded me.  I could not give my kids the love, time and energy they deserve from their father if they have a mother who is stealing that away from them with her psychological warfare.  Additionally, I did not want my kids to see a very unhealthy parental dynamic as their model for their future relationships.

I'm three years out from d-day.  I'm happy.  My kids are happy, and they understand why the divorce had to happen.  I'm engaged to a beautiful straight woman who I adore and who appreciates me for being a straight man.  It was a lot of work to get here and to establish a new home, but the bullshit is over.

Good luck, and keep posting.

 

January 25, 2022 11:56 am  #8


Re: I don't know how we come back from this

Hi Timr11: I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm a newbie to this group and they have given me strength to work through the hard places right now. We have children very similar in age (13,8, 4). We tolerate so much for the sake of the children and not wanting to destroy our home. My GID husband has not been with me for over a year and the level of neglect to our marriage is no longer acceptable. He's a good Father but it's not enough any longer. My solution is to remain in the same household  to co-parent our children. It's pretty unique because my children are use to Dad traveling for months for his job. Dad has always slept in the basement because of his back issues. I have hired an attorney to help us work on what I would like to be in a formal agreement. We have decided to continue to see our  therapist. She believes we should remain in counseling to help co-parent in the same household. I don't if this will work but it's my attempt to try everything possible not to break up my home. 

This was my compromise. My husband wanted to stay married but live separate lives. However, he benefits more from that picture. Not me! I would suggest that you find a good therapist for you. Ask yourself what do you really want? I know it's a hard place. Take day by day! 

 

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