Hi, yes that’s a big deal because I have medical problems (my autonomic nervous system is damaged) and any illness gives me heart symptoms. That’s one thing he’s recognized as a big thing to figure out if he ever does anything with men. I saw that my post wasn’t clear about how he wants this new step but we haven’t decided anything.

LMM,

    I am so sorry you were conned by your upbringing and your church into thinking you could "heal" your husband's homosexuality, and that you were further abused by being told that the reason you were having problems was that you weren't sufficiently "subordinate." It must come as a relief to you now to know that the gaslighting and blameshifting being employed against you are the tactics of abusers, and that they, not you, were always the ones at fault.

 Only you know the extent to which you have been able to surmount this early abuse and training, but the way you speak about your situation suggests to me that you are still in the habit of subordinating yourself to your spouse.  Your post above is all about your husband.  It's about what he thinks he wants going forward, who he is, what his journey was. (The adage "you can take the man out of the church but you can't take the church out of the man" applies to women, too.)  And you seem to see your role as accommodating yourself to whatever it is that is working for him, even when your body cues you in that what he suggests--casual sex with men--repels you, even though you "feel gross" and your "heart is exploding with pain."  It's not your job or your obligation to "be OK with that."  It seems to me that your claim you are not as sexual as he is is part and parcel of this accommodation. How do you know sex is not as important for you?  It's not as if you've been in a situation that allowed you to become a fully sexual person. 

 As Sean has pointed out many times, and as many of us here on the forum have experienced, there is often with our non-straight partners a "honeymoon period" after the crisis when we are having sex and our partners seem to have made a 180 degree turnaround.  During this period we straight spouses are re-secured and re-commit to the marriage.  We think, as you do, that we are "at a truly loving, intimate place for the first time ever."  Honesty is like an aphrodisiac, but it, too, wears off, and the underlying mismatch in our sexualities, and the dysfunctional patterns it has engendered, reassert themselves.  

  When the honeymoon period wanes, how is your marriage going to be successful given that your husband has already begun pushing for your allowing him to have sexual encounters with men?  Have you conveyed your discomfort to him about that, and what has been his response?  Is your idea, or his, whether overtly said or left unspoken, that you will accommodate yourself to it in time?  And if so, how is that any different from the pressure to sacrifice and subordinate yourself that you experienced when the Church was telling you to marry him and that you weren't subordinate enough in the marriage?  To be taught that one can control other's behaviors--and are therefore responsible for them--by means of our own behavior is a very difficult legacy to unlearn and leave behind.

  Another pressure that is going to re-assert itself is how your husband says he feels about your children.  He has said he does not like them and feels unconnected to them.  Is your husband in his new honesty going to own that, and to them?  And if so, how is that going to make them feel?  Or is he simply going to turn over to you all the parenting?  How are you going to feel when you are the parent on the spot while your husband is out having casual sex with men?  At some point you're going to have to factor in whether it is in your children's best interest to be raised in a family in which their father does not love their mother, leaves all the parenting to her, and is absent and disconnected, and their mother subordinates her own interests and wellbeing to his.  

PS: I don't usually post in the MOM section, but your posts in the other categories were made on other people's threads.  The only threads I saw that you originated were here, and I wanted to reply on a thread dedicated to you.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 21, 2022 10:20 am)

LMM.... You said... "I should clarify that he doesn’t want to do anything with guys at this point...."
... but THAT is not the point you should be thinking about. The point that MATTERS is the very important fact that he's THINKING about doing it

And you said... "But his sex therapist keeps suggesting that we leave all options “on the table” and then in a few years decide if anything should be actually picked up."
Omg he has a sex therapist?! I'll wager that therapist is LGBTQ

LMM... Find your inner strength. It's there, it's just been suffocated by the man who thinks it's okay that you think that he should be king of your world.

You said...."I don’t think I’d ever be OK with anything except monogamous marriage."
... So tell him that, tell him now, stand tall, look him in the eye and tell him "no I don't want this in my life" and be prepared for him to go silent, or emotional, or angry but know he's reacting that way to stop you trying to be independent of him.

You'll never "decide together". He wants to 'guide' you into agreeing with how he wants HIS life to be, not your life together

I reckon you know all this
We're here to keep you strong

Elle

Do what is best for you. Elle/Kia stays with her gay boyfriend and I left mine. It is a personal choice.