OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

January 10, 2022 12:13 pm  #1

Feel lost

Last week, my husband of 30 years told me he believes he is transgender. I'm shell shocked. It has been a rollercoaster of mixed emotions since then which have included disbelief, anger, sympathy, pain and now tears.
Thankfully, I have a very good friend and a sister who I have confided in, they are deeply shocked but have already provided much support. 
It all seems such a blur since I found out. Already my husband seems quite different. There is almost an expectation that I should go along with the change, for example: sleep in the same bed and re evaluate our gender roles(!) amongst other things. He says he cannot see it from my point of view and has implied that I may be transphobic.
I married a man, not a women, a man. it was a deliberate choice. He cannot see that if I stay in the relationship I would then be a lesbian. He says 'I am still the same person and it shouldn't make any difference what my gender is'.
The thing is, I am not attracted to women so how can I possibly stay in this relationship?
We have 2 sons in their 20s who will be rocked to their core when they are told. I get very upset thinking about how they will take the news, It's going to be awful.
I am seeing a divorce lawyer this week. It has turned my world upside down.


January 10, 2022 12:48 pm  #2

Re: Feel lost


I totally understand your shock, pain, hurt, betrayal etc.

I want you to know you are not alone.  I have been there and done that. You can read my story and postings.  It’s been over a year since my ex ambushed me with a phone call about his trans revelations.

Some days will be better than other but stick to your convictions and values and don’t waiver. Any doubt trying to make it work when you know in your core that’s not who you are will only prolong your hurt and suffering.

I am glad you have support as you will need to lean on true friends and family. Take care of yourself and your children.

Hugs to you! PM me if you want to chat.


January 10, 2022 1:38 pm  #3

Re: Feel lost

There's a physical aspect to desire and sexuality. Expecting you to re-evaluate yourself like this in order to accommodate him is unfair. So is the transphobe comment. It sounds like an attempt to make you the 'bad person' so he can proceed at his own pace. Be aware that the rollercoaster hasn't ended yet. Be well.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

January 10, 2022 2:17 pm  #4

Re: Feel lost

Nadine, I"m so sorry you find yourself in this predicament.  Your husband's remarks about you being transphobic are just attempts to deflect blame -- I hope you realize this.  The same goes for his claim that he's the same person and his gender shouldn't matter to you.  The logic can be turned back on him: if his gender doesn't matter, why is he changing it?  Why insist it matters for him, but not for you?


January 10, 2022 3:03 pm  #5

Re: Feel lost

Oh my goodness I can't tell you how much I appreciate these replies, it's so reassuring to know that there are people out there sympathetic and listening. I have felt so alone and I burst into tears on seeing the notifications from this forum.
Does anyone have any advice about telling the news to adult sons? I feel it needs to come from husband but want to be there to support them. It will come as a huge shock and they will not see it coming. What experience has anyone had? Any advice will be really appreciated.

     Thread Starter

January 10, 2022 3:23 pm  #6

Re: Feel lost

Hello Nadine,

Welcome to the group and sorry you find yourself here.

I concur with the other posters  - he's made you into a scapegoat. Love may be love, but scapegoating you is the opposite of love.

This transition will be difficult for all concerned. Adults adjust and handle major changes responsibly. He needs to do this too.  You have a choice to cease contact if he gaslights and manipulates you.

I hope you take care of yourself.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

January 10, 2022 4:04 pm  #7

Re: Feel lost

Nadine, here's what worked for me, but of course everyone's situation is different.

My daughter was 22 when it all came crashing down.  If you read my story in "Our Stories", I get into more detail about how this had affected her, so I won't repeat the whole miserable story here.  It was necessary for her to be told, because she needed to make sense out of things that involved her -- and as it turned out, she'd seen things she didn't understand and had been afraid to talk to me.  

I was also very concerned that if I didn't control the time, place and message ... she'd find out purely by accident in the most shocking and devastating way, at the worst possible time.

I gave my husband the choice, but with a deadline.  I said she had to be told, and that it was better coming from him but if he didn't step up to the plate I would do it myself.  I said it had to be after her graduation, but within about a two-week window.  When time came for me to move her out of her college apartment, we got everything into the car and on the drive up to her next place, I asked her if Daddy had said anything to her about his situation.  She didn't know a thing, so I told her as gently as possible.  She had a LOT of questions, which kept coming for months after that conversation.  Her first reaction was that she was terrified he would do something drastic, and she called him and told him that she loved him.

Next, she went for a year not speaking to him.  Go figure.

I think that I'd reached a point where all the lying was too much and everyone had to know the full truth.  I couldn't imagine how she'd feel if I covered for him and she ended up finding out by accident.


January 10, 2022 4:25 pm  #8

Re: Feel lost

In 2015 my then husband (now ex) of 32 years declared he was "a woman in a man's body."  He also started pushing, had no understanding of the challenges this posed for me, etc.  So I know something of what you are going through. 

You will find company and validation for your feelings here:

Just this weekend there was a thread on Mumsnet (you do not have to register to read) on the question of whether you would stay with a transitioning spouse.  Here's a link to the conversation (but it's to a very late stage--there are over 26 pages of discussion!)


I also suggest you look at this thread on Mumsnet, which is dedicated to women married to men who declare they are transgender:

Also useful will be the personal stories on Trans Widows Voice, at https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 10, 2022 4:28 pm)


January 10, 2022 4:37 pm  #9

Re: Feel lost

Nadine, we are in the same boat😢30 years in, and now I’m expected to be attracted to a man that wants to be a woman...I am struggling. He is my best friend, we have adult children, he was SO manly, but is was not genuine. There’s so much to lose at this stage of life😩we’ve built an amazing one and I’m afraid to change my circumstance, but I DESIRE a man😭 honesty, this seems like a no win situation, and I’m at the angry stage right now. I’ve done the role playing, yada yada domimatrix thing to satisfy him, but I don’t like it. It’s not authentic for me....where’re  are you at?


January 10, 2022 5:22 pm  #10

Re: Feel lost

Thank you Dobie, I appreciate anyone reaching out at the moment. Thank you.
For the last 3-4 years our relationship has deteriorated without really understanding why. He has exhibited bullying behavior. shouting and screaming at me but nothing physical. I've always stayed calm during these times which has usually fueled his anger. It's been awful. At times, he has said things to me so shocking I know I will never be able to repeat them to anyone.
He now tells me this was frustration on his part, due to his feelings of wanting to be a woman. I really didn't know what was going on with this behavior.
Last week he told me he confided in a trusted friend when he was 19 years old (before we met) about wanting to wear women's clothes and didn't understand why, he suppressed those feelings throughout our marriage until we became empty nesters. I feel cheated as we've been married 30 years. Actually, I'm devastated.

     Thread Starter

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum