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1 of 1- straight1234
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Low libido
I'm wondering if anyone else has had this experience. I'm 39M, 2 children, I was married to my ex for 11 years, she gradually came out as a lesbian over the last 8 years of the marriage and we separated last year. I have since met someone new who is absolutely amazing, and we have recently got married.
The problem is, I've found myself with a very low libido. I don't know if this has anything to do with being married to a lesbian for 11 years or not. I don't have zero libido, I still do enjoy sex, but I'd be content with having it once or twice a month. My new wife, although very understand and supportive, has a comparatively high libido, and would probably prefer it 5 times a week, but she said 2 times a week is ok for her. But I'm struggling with even that much. Often I feel tired, but usually I'm just not in the mood.
Physically I struggle to get and sustain an erection if it's been less than 2 days since I last had sex - of course, there are meds that help with that which I've got from a doctor, though they have side effects, including feeling heartburn through the night and I usually get a headache the next day, so when my libido is already low, the prospect of signing up for an uncomfortable nights sleep and a headache the next day doesn't exactly help, and the meds don't help with libido, they only help with the physical side.
I didn't realise it, but I had a low libido with my ex too - over the course of our marriage we had sex less and less, and apart from feeling that something wasn't right because I knew that sex should be an important part of a healthy marriage, it didn't really bother me until the sex went to zero - zero was not enough for me. Even then, I never really did or thought much about it (the few times I did raise it, my ex would often turn it back on me saying I was being too forceful - gaslighting of course - telling a respectful guy during the #metoo era they are being too forceful is a very effective way to shut him up).
Anyway, I'm just wondering if this problem is common among other particularly male straight spouses, or if it is likely unrelated.
- lily
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Re: Low libido
idk how helpful I can be but I do think that is a low libido. I had a very long marriage to a gay in denial from a young age so really I didn't have much to judge it by. I ended up thinking sex didn't matter much and that was because my ex used to say that - there's more to life than sex. And he would accuse me of not initiating sex but you know looking back I can see that I was initially interested, became less so, then downright reluctant, then not wanting it, then seriously no not do not want to have sex with him.
I was in my 40's by that stage and poured my creativity into artwork. that kept me alive.
eventually I left the marriage. When I fell in love with a straight man it was completely different - I was thinking about having sex with him all the time, all the time, really, I couldn't stop thinking about him.
If I were in your shoes the place I would start would be to close my eyes and fantasise and see what it takes to successfully masturbate.
- straight1234
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Re: Low libido
I don't have problems masturbating. And when we do have sex, as long as it's not too frequently, I don't usually have any problems reaching climax. It's just that often I don't want it to start with. But if I had sex the night before, then it's really hard, and if I had sex two nights in a row, it's impossible, physically, even if I want to.
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Thread Starter- Soaplife
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Re: Low libido
Straight, have you looked into medical and psychological possibilities - eg: low testosterone or other hormone imbalance, mineral or vitamin deficiency, chronic depression or anxiety. Maybe you should have a good all over check if you haven't already.
You could possibly discuss and agree on types of sexual intimacy you can share that result in orgasm for your wife but not necessarily yourself. Many women are familiar with this form of loving sexual generosity and attentiveness to the partner's needs and desires.
If you do masturbate regularly perhaps you should stop and save your energy for sexy times with your wife.
Its really something you should discuss honestly and attentively with your wife so together you can find a happy medium and you can stop worrying.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Low libido
I'm on antidepressants which apparently suppress libido -- after 22 years of being rejected, whatever it takes to re-awaken my libido, I just don't know ...
Straight1234, you'd posted something I just need to ask about -- you said that there's a side effect to the meds that includes heartburn. Can I ask, which prescription would that be?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Low libido
Low libido? LOL try NO libido!
...I wish I could even be *interested* in the fact I'm no longer interested in sex.
...I just don't care anymore.
I tried so much to be what he wanted until I realized it wasn't who I was that mattered but who he wanted to be himself, and that it would be easier for him to do that if he had my agreement
KIA KAHA
- straight1234
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Re: Low libido
Soaplife: I have seen a doctor, got blood tests, nothing has shown up. And I'm seeing a therapist, I don't think depression/anxiety are the cause - they have been a problem in the past, but I think I've moved beyond that.
Yeah, we are trying to talk about it. My wife feels really uncomfortable talking about sex (she has no problems having it, and she's much more adventurous than I am etc, it's just actually talking about it that she doesn't like). She also doesn't really like being the focus of attention during sex, she'd much rather I be getting all the pleasure than the other way around. So there are challenges there that we need to sort out.
walkbymyself: The meds I was referring to was Sildenafil (Viagra). I'm not on any meds for mental health.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Low libido
ok so the point about the masturbation was to observe what it took in your imagination to bring you to climax. what you think about what you imagine - you're 39, this is an issue, I know we can think about having sex an awful lot more than you can actually do it but I think you're right to persist in finding answers now.
it's one of the things you can do to get to know how you're feeling and the other thing is to put some time into remembering yourself as a youngster, before you met your first wife. Spending time with friends who knew you then can really help. Don't need to discuss anything, just their company will help you remember your earlier self.
It also might help to take the term libido out of the frame for a while, find other words.
Listen to what your gut says.
Last edited by lily (December 6, 2021 10:28 pm)