Cp231 wrote:

My husband hates gambling. Hates Vegas. Hates casinos. Yet he takes enormous risks in his personal life. There are no boundaries. No rules. No accountability. I have been with a man that I truly don't know for a very long time. It's gonna take a long time to figure this out. I'm going to look for a counselor. A counselor with experience in dealing with spouses going through this. Divorcing him will take every ounce of strength I have. I can't imagine the future. Right now it's one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. I have been reading the posts today. I carry my phone with me and will just start to read them. I got up this morning and showered. I washed my hair. I put on clean clothes. I cooked and ate a meal. I even brushed my teeth. Believe me this was a big deal. I had some days this past week when I was pretty funky. The day I signed the papers to file for divorce I started wailing. Not crying. Wailing like a baby. I smelled bad. I had slept in my clothes after staggering around in a sleep deprived stupor the night before. I cleaned up. I signed. My confession to you all is my fear that I will choose to stay. Even in all of the lies. All of the deceit. All of the abuse. I would be to afraid of the future and I would stay. I've done it before. I stayed when I should have kicked his a#! out the door and out of my life. Stockholm Syndrome. I know I sound confused. I'm moving forward. I filed. I finally put it out there and asked my closeted homosexual husband if he is gay. Now I have to face the next step. To get out of this sham of a marriage. How did you all do this? Thanks for letting me share tonight. Thanks for all of your support.

Sweetheart, 

We did it (and are doing it) the same way you are.   One step at a time.  It takes one big brave step and then lots of little ones..  one at a time.. one in front of the other.   You've taken that big step and signed the divorce papers. That was the right move.  You know that it's true. 

I was completely dysfunctional for weeks.  I had to take a couple weeks off work on disability.  I got to my Dr. and got a prescription for anti-depressants and sleeping.  I lost 30 lbs in 21 days.  I remember not even being able to watch some TV shows because I couldn't handle anything with any drama at all.  I'm 4 months into this and I can tell you that it does get better and easier.  Time heals wounds.  You will go through different stages, sometimes moving forward, sometimes backwards.  Shock, Grief, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance.  Finally you will reach acceptance and someday happiness.  

You will get through this.  One day at a time.  One step in front of the other.  Don't stress about things you can't control yet.  Someday in the future you will need to make certain decisions about finances and other things, but leave those things for the future.  They will be there and you can make those decisions when you are stronger.  Don't lose sleep over things that aren't necessary to stress about today. 

It's OK to cry.  It's OK to wail.  It's OK to lay in the fetal position for an entire day if you need to do that.  Be kind to yourself and handle what you can when you can.  

Do you have friends you can rely on?  If so, the time is now.  Don't save any favors for the future.. now is your rainy day.  

You know that you've made the right decision.  You are self-aware enough to know that you risk changing your mind (stockholm), but you won't do it this time.  We won't let you..  

 

Hi cp,

I was 19 when I met my ex and 57 when I worked out he was gay.  then I discovered he was nothing like I thought he was.  he really was that malicious gnome at the bottom of the garden I kept dreaming about.

when we started the process of separation he went into overdrive, looking for any and every opportunity to hurt my feelings, turn people against me, lying to them shamelessly and I kept quiet because I was scared.

It's not his story - he's made it yours, he's made it your children's.  My recommendation is the friends and family you rely on, tell them.  tell them asap.

sorry.  just needed to say that.  wishing you all the best.  you will be okay the anger helps to get things done and doesn't change you, you will stay the same loving person through it all. 

Today not so good.  Couldn't sleep last night. Everything unraveled in my life 2 years ago. I was a good soldier for a long time. I had a a car accident in 2014. It was the 3 Rd time in 5 years that I was hit. My job called for me to travel every day. I had a concussion. I took 1 day off. The accident was in May. In June I went to my doctor because of memory loss.  I knew something was wrong. Okay so maybe it was my med's for depression. Doctor switched them up. In July I found the Craigslist stuff and found that my husband still had his secret email accounts.  I was sick that whole summer. I took what money I had switched banks. Went to a therapist. My job slid downhill. I was on my 4th manager in 5 years. This one I didn't survive. I had a seizure on the morning of  a big meeting and blew it off.  How could I have my brain feel like it was on fire and drive off to work  After the meeting my boss wanted to talk to me about an incident that had occurred several weeks before. I knew this was coming. I also knew that I had done the right thing.  I had the back up of other managers. I also had a resignation prepared in case this didn't go well. It didn't go well. So after a meeting where I had the highest numbers of our group of reps and in the midst of all this other garbage in my life I resigned. Gave my notice. Next day I had another focal motor seizure and it was the last day I worked. I was put on a drug for both migraine and seizures. It damn near killed me. It killed my appetite. I lost weight. I started drinking ensure. But it didn't stop the seizures. By July of 2015 I was a wreck. The drug damaged my gallbladder. I had surgery. They sent me home. Switched my med's. I went into the hospital for seizures studies. Should have been there 2 to 3 days but wound up in the hospital for a week. I was just to sick to go home.  Switched med's again. I didn't drive for a year and a half.  The type of sz I have effect memory, vision and speech.  Nothing that happened that summer with my husband got resolved. Nothing.  My son lives with us. He became my caregiver. It's a long story but I have a traumatic brain injury as well from the accident. I spent a good part of the past 2 years being incredibly messed up.  I'm  better now. Friends tell me it's good to have me back. I didn't know I'd gone anywhere. When you have something like this happen the core you is still there. Everything else is a fog.  I don't think my illness stopped any of his behavior.  He says it did. This last crap was just mind blowing. I had given him POA for medical and financial. We made up our wills. Bought a prepaid cemetery plot. I rescinded the POA and shredded the copies.  My attorney sent copies of the divorce papers to my house yesterday. I know he saw the envelope. No questions asked. I don't know when he gets served. I emailed my attorney and didn't hear back. I am to depressed today to even care.   Today I am not taking charge of my life. Today I still wear the clothes I wore yesterday and slept in. Just numbed out.   I'm doing Thanksgiving here. My kids, my husband, me. This is a horrible holiday. I talked to my family. I'm going to the movies after we eat. They wanna go fine. Wanna stay fine. Wanna fight and argue forget it.   Wanna stay away. More turkey for me. It's cold here. Gets dark early. I could  take my med's and go to bed right now.   My good friend told me don't let him tell you that you're not thinking clearly, or that you're crazy or that this is happening because of your seizures or all the stuff you went through. She's right.   Well I needed to post this. It helps me to put it into words. I wish all of you a blessed Thanksgiving. I am thankful for this safe space.  Hugs to all   God Bless.

I found a counselor who helps straight spouses. Made an appointment for Monday. Hope everything works out for you as well.   God Bless.

Cp- I'm so sorry to hear about your car accidents.  I was rear ended in June by an uninsured driver while I was sitting at a light.  She didn't even slow down from coming off the highway.  I was hit so hard that it totaled my car (both the front and back) and knocked my sunglasses clear off my head and across the car.  I didn't even realize they were off my head until 20 minutes later.  I'm still going for CT scans and to doctors/specialists and medical neck massages and all the other crap that comes along with it.  It has been five months and I'm still somewhat scared to drive.  But to hear that it has happened to you so many times plus you're dealing with the gay thing....damn, you are strong.  You say you don't want to take charge of your life....you don't have any reason to take charge of anything right now.  In fact, if it were me I would say to hell with Thanksgiving dinner, we're getting take out!  The only thing you should be doing right now is thinking about yourself and if that means wearing the same clothes then hell yes!  Hell yes to the movie you want to see too.  Hell no to anything that makes you tired or stressed or anything you don't want to be.  xoxo