Hello j529, my story sounds identical to yours.  33 years of marriage.  Found out 12 year ago about first encounter.  He gaslighted me and told me I was imagining it.  6 years ago I found out about second affair and stopped sleeping with him.  2 years ago we started therapy, as he told me all the same things you have mentioned.  I have just found out that he was having an affair with guy #3 the entire last two years,  plus online sex & hookups for oral sex.  The extent of lies and gaslighting has been more than I could have imagined.  He is a wonderful man & I wanted to believe the stories,  but his words have been designed to keep me in my place as his wife & cover so that he can have both worlds and not face the trauma of coming out.  I need a real life, and so do you.  One where we are our top priority.  After this last discovery, I told my husband I am leaving him.  I’m walking away from my house & home, ASAP, before I get another day older.  Truth & freedom to have the life we deserve is the most important thing.  Don’t waste any more time drinking the Kool-Aide..

J529: Welcome, and I'm so sorry you're here.  

When I first came here, I thought I was going to find a way to continue the marriage, and I really tuned out anyone who told me anything different.  So I'm reluctant to tell you what your own marriage will look like in a few years ... divorce is hard on everybody, but particularly cruel to older women.  I did not know the extent of my husband's narcissism and deception until AFTER I'd already filed for divorce, when the legal discovery phase gave me access to financial records.  What he was doing in reality went far beyond anything he'd acknowledged to me.

The survival statistics for marriages that confront this issue are not promising.  We have a section of this forum dedicated to couples who want to make it work, and if you haven't already read a bit there, you might want to take a look.  

I was not able to face the prospect of spending the rest of my life with someone who had so little concern with my happiness and well-being.  I wasn't willing to live in a home where I was being lied to.  I felt my house should be a place that's completely safe, that's sacred.  If I can't see my home as a sanctuary, then it's time for a better home.

J529.... I had a successful 25 years till the wheels started to fall off my now 37y long term r'ship. When it happens the thing that often binds us to these men is love, familiarity, history and children. What moved me forward from all those things was the fact that what my partner did..kept secrets, told me lies etc... Ruined all respect and trust I had in him as far as the physical side went.

I had to fall out of love and get angry at him

Elle