OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Victo
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
No straight person *I* have ever met has issues with gender identity
I dunno. I still sometimes feel like I had to come out as straight after my mindfuck of a marriage.
- Treelovingvegan
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
Hello,
I am a counsellor with a specialism in issues relating to sexual orientation and gender identity. Over the years I have worked with several M/F couples in which the male partner has come out. I'm currently working on a qualification in sexology (aka psychosexual therapy), as part of which I need to complete a research project. I want to investigate the therapeutic needs of straight partners and the extent to which they are adequately met within current services - and I have a particular interest in the needs of straight female partners, as these are the clients with whom I have had most first-hand professional experience. If there's anything that you'd like to share in this forum please do - I will share a link to enable you to contact me away from the forum as soon as I am able. I'm interested in a) what you might have hoped to gain from counselling/therapy, either as an individual or as a couple, b) the experience you had of attempting to finding a suitable practitioner, c) how effective/beneficial you found your therapy and d) anything that you would want the therapy professional as a whole to be aware or do in order to better meet the needs of straight partners.
Many thanks.
One of the reasons you are meeting resistance is because you didn’t use your real name & credentials or give any identifying data in your post. Also, is this an approach you discussed with your advisor? Were you truly advised to go to a support group and solicit subjects for your study? Your mentor should have advised you differently. Unless, your story is just that, a story and you have devious motives. If you truly are a student, I would highly suggest you reach back out to your mentor/advisor. If you are not a student, and this all a farce, I suggest you seek help.
I also ask the administrators of this forum to either do a more robust vetting process or delete this post from Red Earth & block the user as this is very triggering. There is also huge potential for abuse once we allow users to have access to this forum for reasons other than sharing their own stories. In this case it’s for a study. What happens if a desperate user reaches out this person and it’s a scam. Anyone can create a website. As administrators, your are opening yourself up for potential liability. There are vulnerable people on this site desperately seeking help. Simply having a website should not qualify if someone is legitimate or not. I have found so much solace in this site. I would hate to see any person/persons jeopardize it with potential scams. If you do want to allow researchers/medical personnel to comment on here, I suggest more formalized vetting process.
Thank you.
Last edited by Treelovingvegan (November 9, 2021 7:45 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
Edited to say.....the above post by Treelovin' is well -said..!!
...I dunno. I still sometimes feel like I had to come out as straight after my mindfuck of a marriage.
But....you know you're straight right? You only had to emphasise it after you'd been fucked over by somebody who wasn't.
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 9, 2021 1:17 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Kel
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
Hi everyone,
This individual has followed your advice and has just contacted the organization so we can vet him and figure out how we should move forward.
Thanks for being diligent -
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- lily
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
Kel, now that he is being referred to as a he I'm still left with the question of who he is - well is he or isn't he a normal heterosexual straight male from birth?
I read Rob's story of getting that sympathetic straight ear and I understand exactly what he's talking about. That's what I hoped for too.
- Victo
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
But....you know you're straight right?
Yes. I am a man and I find women attractive and only women, and I have never once in my life found men attractive enough to think of them sexually.
It is simply that I absorbed so much anti masculine energy during my marriage that I had to essentially silence my own masculinity just to survive in the marriage.
And now that I am free of that mindfuck, I find myself still figuring out how to express what I have always felt deep down about my sexuality. In my case, I just need to figure out how to express my heterosexuality as a heterosexual man.
Maybe that sounds obvious, but after what I have been through, it is a profound journey.
- Treelovingvegan
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
Hi everyone,
This individual has followed your advice and has just contacted the organization so we can vet him and figure out how we should move forward.
Thanks for being diligent -
Kel
This is great to hear. May I respectfully suggest the following:
1. Obtain clear documentation that this individual has received approval from his IRB (institutional review board) on how subjects are recruited, including anonymously soliciting from an online support group such as this one.
2. Clearly specify how obtaining data from subjects that he cannot quantify any demographic data would be of value for his study. Being unable to quantify demographic data would introduce a plethora of confounding variables. Being unable to minimize number of confounding variables would skew and put the validity of this study at immense risk.
3. How this individual plans on obtaining consent from anyone here, as I find it highly unlikely, though not impossible, for an IRB to approve any data be included in a study without consent from the subjects. If this data is not going to be included in the study, what will it be used for?
To the administrators, thank you for taking our concerns seriously. This should be held as a sacred place, One where the participants feel safe. Every safe guard should be put in place to ensure that safety, at least as best as can be done.
We share our deepest secrets here. We share our most intimate fears. We ask for advice. We put ourselves in very vulnerable places. I would hate for someone to use this space to gather information and then use that information to manipulate or harm others.
Thank you.
- Treelovingvegan
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
Near as I can tell, this person is not trying to drum up business. i am watching closely, however. In addition, he stated that he had come across straight spouse clients and needed insight in how to deal with them. I wish more counsellors would do that when they encounter straight spouses, ignorant ones can prove disasterous for the straight spouse.
Yes. Agreed. But we need to make sure this person is truly who they say they are. There are potential of abuse. It could be a spouse trying to see what straight spouses think. And use the information they gather here to manipulate someone. Not saying that is what they are doing but you have to be careful.
- Kel
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
Right now I'm just trying to find out a bit more about what he's seeking. If he really is a counselor and is just looking to better serve his clients who are straight partners, that's a good thing. We do have information for professionals on our website though, which I've steered him toward.
OurPath never allows people to come do research directly with our constituents. Most people who come to us looking for cooperation are individuals involved in post graduate studies, who have complete documentation on the project, complete with a survey we can review. In those cases, we offer that opportunity up in our electronic spaces so that people can freely interact as they desire - directly with the individual doing the research. We ask to be cited in the research and that it be made available to us afterward.
There have been plenty of opportunities OurPath has turned down, too. We want more scholarly research on our demographic. We have also have stories to tell. But things need to be done the right way - the purpose is important. OurPath is here for support. If we feel that an opportunity is legitimate after vetting it, and it adds value to the straight community, then we can move forward. If not, then it's dead in the water. Straight Partners aren't here for other people's entertainment.
We will never let people who want to study us into the room. We will offer our constituents the key to the room where the vetted researcher is sitting and waiting for them. And will will give our constituents plenty of information ahead of time so they know what's in the room - so they can decide if they're interested.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- lily
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Re: Counselling/therapy needs of straight partners
But....you know you're straight right?
Yes. I am a man and I find women attractive and only women, and I have never once in my life found men attractive enough to think of them sexually.
It is simply that I absorbed so much anti masculine energy during my marriage that I had to essentially silence my own masculinity just to survive in the marriage.
And now that I am free of that mindfuck, I find myself still figuring out how to express what I have always felt deep down about my sexuality. In my case, I just need to figure out how to express my heterosexuality as a heterosexual man.
Maybe that sounds obvious, but after what I have been through, it is a profound journey.
yes, a profound journey. Can't say I exactly understand it but it's definitely a thing. I keep thinking of Narnia and the icy witch queen who turned animals into statues and Edmund was caught in her wiles and couldn't move other than to her bidding. and then there's Sleeping Beauty with the thorny hedge around her.
As I came out of the marriage I was aware that an essential part of me had been caught in amber and it was like I was 19 again.
At one stage I would keep remembering stuff that happened - just micro things where his disapproval of my sexuality damped me down - mercifully I don't do that so much any more.