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1 - iamthelorax
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Question for those who were also with a narcissist
Hi there,
Sorry if this sounds more like trivia than anything else but someone said something to me recently about me and my ex and they weren't the first. We we their "favorite couple", the ones who seemed to have a great working marriage. They mentioned things that made them sure we were great together and thinking back, I remember being miserable back then.
Did you get these comments too? Did people think you were that "perfect couple" when you were secretly miserable?
- lily
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Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
oh god yes. I was in a long term marriage so when I left I faced a barrage of but you were my perfect couple and how could you. I was miserable. I was freaking insanely miserable for at least a decade or two before leaving.
- Kel
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Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
Nope - never a couple that people felt that way about. But I can totally see something like that being said for a lot of couples that a narcissist is part of. And that's because a lot of narcissists control their image in a way that deludes people into thinking the best of them. It's part of their M.O. They can be very gregarious and charming people. Generally speaking, people like to be around such people. They don't suspect that most of that person's image is contrived or untrue. They will enjoy being around this couple because at least one person appears very socially pleasant, and at least one person is usually a caring, kind individual (the typical straight spouse). They consider the couple a good one because they enjoy being around said couple.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Sam (Admin)
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Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
Very much so.
We were quite visible in the community. She served on local governmental boards, active in the schools, and won a hard-fought local elective office. I was involved in youth sports, on a school district advisory board, and other youth activities. Everyone remarked how we were the perfect couple.
I was numb at the time because that felt better than being miserable.
Most who knew us were shocked when we split. As our kids were still in local schools, we never said why. I was essentially in her closet til my son (youngest) graduated high school.
- vicky
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Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
Yes, all the time.
Vicky
- megleigh
- New member
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Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
Yes, all the time. We had gone to high school together, were very social, and played in a band together. I can't blame him completely because I always tried to put "our" best face forward as well... now that I think about it, that's probably why he valued me. I worked hard to help him hide his flaws because I wanted everyone to think that we/I had it all together. I regret it. A perfect example is that he insisted that he tithe to his church even though he was unemployed and my paycheck didn't cover our bills or debt.
- iamthelorax
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Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
See I was suspecting such a thing. I wonder if it's a "tell". If you're miserable in a marriage but everyone fawns about how perfect you are, you might be married to a narcissist.
- •
Thread Starter- Shirley
- Unregistered
Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
Oh yes, all the time for me too. Which just makes it hard to hear when you're shock.
So many people on this site have described narcissism and until coming on here 2 weeks ago, I didn't know that's what I was dealing with. Sounds silly, but I am starting to forgive myself for all the stupid things I did and believed even when my common sense was saying differently.People thinking we were the perfect couple were obviously duped just like I was.
- Sun
- Unregistered
Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
Yes. And what Shirley said most likely applies to us all. We didn't know what we were dealing with. I didn't know what a personality disorder was. In my case he would often act like a needy, angry child at home and he rarely displayed this behavior in public. He was extremely well liked and well known in our town. People were always coming up to me and telling me how wonderful he was. After our separation, I started to think that there had to be some link between his hidden CD life, that I discovered after 30 plus years with him, and his bizarre extreme personality traits. Everything made sense after I learned about the vulnerable type of narcissistic personality disorder. And Shirley, you did nothing stupid.
- JJ1966
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Re: Question for those who were also with a narcissist
I always hated how when you tried to tell your friends what had happened they ended up believing your spouse that you were delusional etc. It did wonders for my self esteem to hear him say yet again, "See I told you no one would believe you".
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.