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December 10, 2021 3:01 pm  #41


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Gloria wrote:

I feel no hate in my situation. I am happily married and not to the homosexual that I broke up with.

Yet you chose to comment on my message, so you may be happily married but yet you chose to say mean hateful comment about my husband who you did not know. I posted only because I was sad and upset that my marriage of so many years was not what I would have hoped and yet you have to post hate saying hope he gets what he deserved. It hurt to read this and I was not wanting negative feedback, I was just trying to deal with the fact I lived a life I would not have chose but I would never, ever feel hatred for a man I lived with for 34 years who obviously could not accept his sexuality. Gloria, peace be with you and your new marriage.

 

 

December 10, 2021 3:07 pm  #42


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Gloria wrote:

I did not mean to offend anyone with my remark. I came from a very pampered background. It is true though, that the Lord does not like ugly.

why you would choose to comment and use excuse of a pampered background. YOU did not know my husband and yes I chose to relay how I felt sad and betrayed but to say I hope he gets what he deserves. It was hate that motivated that remark and I have no hatred for my spouse, I feel bad he did not get the opportunity to live the life he wanted. I knew in my heart he was not happy and only wish he could have felt comfortable in living the life he wanted.
I hope you can appreciate that Gloria.
 

 

December 10, 2021 3:13 pm  #43


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Gloria wrote:

I did not mean to offend anyone with my remark. I came from a very pampered background. It is true though, that the Lord does not like ugly.

Pampered background, Lord does not like ugly.
You said it all !
 

 

December 10, 2021 3:14 pm  #44


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Momoftwo wrote:

Gloria wrote:

I feel no hate in my situation. I am happily married and not to the homosexual that I broke up with.

Yet you chose to comment on my message, so you may be happily married but yet you chose to say mean hateful comment about my husband who you did not know. I posted only because I was sad and upset that my marriage of so many years was not what I would have hoped and yet you have to post hate saying hope he gets what he deserved. It hurt to read this and I was not wanting negative feedback, I was just trying to deal with the fact I lived a life I would not have chose but I would never, ever feel hatred for a man I lived with for 34 years who obviously could not accept his sexuality. Gloria, peace be with you and your new marriage.

 

 

 

December 11, 2021 9:15 am  #45


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Momoftwo, I am very sorry if I hurt you in any way. When I found out my ex boyfriend was gay, I posted on here and some hateful comments were said to me. I am better than that. I hope that you start feeling better. I know it is difficult. I also wish you peace.

 

December 11, 2021 9:16 am  #46


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Momoftwo, I am very sorry if I hurt you in any way. When I found out my ex boyfriend was gay, I posted on here and some hateful comments were said to me. I am better than that. I hope that you start feeling better. I know it is difficult. I also wish you peace.

 

January 17, 2022 3:23 am  #47


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

My situation is relatively new only about 7 months in but I absolutely feel like the victim too.

But for me I also feel like it's my fault.
She said she was bi so I told her I was ok if she dated.
Now she's lesbian and wants an exclusive relationship with GF.

Now the one person I was closest with the one I leaned on for support is also the one causing me the greatest pain.

You are the victim. 
Nothing that has happened is your fault.
I know it will take me a very long time to trust again but I hope someday to let go of the pain and maybe not remain alone.

LostDad

 

January 17, 2022 7:13 am  #48


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

LostDad,
[I'm going to leave this response here, and with your long post, as it applies in both cases.]

   You are a victim and this isn't your fault.  Even though you knew she was bi from the get go, you are not the one who initiated this latest conversation.  Nor was it your responsibility to check in with your wife periodically to ensure she was happily committed to you.  That was her responsibility. 

    You are so deep in trying to manage the crisis and respond to your wife's moving the goalposts that you have not yet been able, I'm sure, to ask yourself why, after 20 years of marriage, your wife felt it necessary to initiate this conversation, and, further, why she framed it in terms of "fairness." 

   Framing the situation as one in which she is being fair to you (and your kids) is a direct invitation to you, a way to subtly suggest to you, that you consider whether her not having a relationship with a women is "fair" to her.  Framing it in this way strikes me as manipulation on her part.  She didn't come to you and say, "You know I'm bi, and lately I have been feeling as if I would like to explore that part of myself, so could we talk about a polyamorous arrangement or an open marriage?"  No.  Instead she raises the issue of her sexuality in a way that places her in the position of making a noble sacrifice for you (and your family): "I'm bi, but I will never express that part of myself until you are dead, because it wouldn't be fair to you."  Implied in that statement is, "I'm bi, but I will never get to express that part of myself, so I will suffer along, deprived of the ability to fully be who I am."  No wonder you responded as you did, by rushing in to meet her implied "noble sacrifice" with one of your own.  

  I wonder:  Why did she raise the issue now in the first place (and in those terms)?  It would not surprise me at all if she had already begun a relationship with her friend when she initiated this conversation with you.  

You are very right that the person you leaned on and depended on is now causing you pain.  And she did so in all deliberateness.  Nor do we go to the person who deliberately hurt us for comfort. 

  Please do not agree to the girlfriend moving into your house until you have seen a lawyer and a therapist.  You need to discuss with a lawyer the financial implications of both divorce and a third person in your household, and you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 17, 2022 7:17 am)

 

January 17, 2022 8:20 pm  #49


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

So today my husband walked in and told me he is gay. After 13 years of marriage, I can't understand why he would do this to me and our children. How do you get past the betrayal and feeling like a victim? I am in shock. I have nothing wrong with someone being gay, just something wrong with my husband being gay in a hetero sexual relationship. I really do feel like a victim right now honestly. The feeling of being a victim is never something anyone wants to feel and honestly, I can't shake it,

 

January 18, 2022 12:40 am  #50


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Hi manda.m,

Am sorry you find yourself here. It is a shock that turns your world upside down.

If you haven't done this already, please read the first post in this thread -

First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?id=1217

This is it in a podcast:
https://ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s1-ep-14-a-checklist-for-newbies/

I'd say none of us are prejudiced against LGBTQ.  I don't know why your husband chose to marry a heterosexual while staying in the closet. He would know the answer. Many of us feel we never get the truth from them about it though.

You may want to post your own thread to get more support at this difficult time.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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