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December 8, 2021 5:57 pm  #31


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Momoftwo wrote:

New to website, but I am so depressed and lonely. I was married for 34 years and my husband did not have sex with me for over 27 years of the marriage. I chose to ignore it don't ask me why. Low self esteem is all I can say. He recently died from a heart attack at 61 years and at his funeral it was a lot of gay men who chose not to talk to me. I am sad and depressed and hoping this forum can help me accept the passing of my husband who I am thinking didn't love me and I because of my Catholic faith chose to look the other way.

Hello.  I feel your pain.  My husband and I were only married for 6 years, it was a second marriage for both of us.  I found out after he died that he was bisexual and had been having sex with men since he was in his early 20s.  I also chose to ignore the lack of sex.  My husband died from a cardiac event in August of 2020.  I wonder every day if he loved me.  It tears me up inside because I absolutely adored and would have done anything for him.  My husband was 55 when he passed.  I too am hoping that this forum can help me because I have burned through 4 therapists since August of 2020 and I feel like I am no further ahead.  I feel lost.  I have questions that will never be answered because my husband is no longer alive.  I hope we can support each other here.  I question everything we had.
 

 

December 8, 2021 11:57 pm  #32


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I think the most important thing is to realize that this had nothing to do with you. You did not allow this, it was outside of you or your control. Sadly, he took your right to choose, and that is not ok. If someone is gay or bi or trans or anything in-between and outside of that, they have the responsibility to tell their partner or spouse, and let them choose. He stole that from you. It is ok to be angry, to feel contempt, to feel the pain, and not to suppress the feelings. What happened to you was traumatic. Unfortunately I am at the beginning of this myself, so I can't offer any insight or help. I don't know you, but I will send prayers for you tonight. One day you will come out on the other side of this stronger, and perhaps even be able to love and trust someone. For now just take it one day at a time, and know you are not alone. 

 

December 9, 2021 8:48 am  #33


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

ThinktheChi, ellefemme,

Welcome.. so sorry for both your losses.    It seems to you both have a double wammy of grieving a loss and dealing with the hurt and betrayal.      I can only say my GX is still alive ...she living, breathing, and living with my kids part time but she is not the person I married.  Its like she is a walking ghost of who I knew..changed to forever hurt me.    I know its absolutely not the same thing but many of us have grieved the loss of the spouse we knew while at these same time coming to grips with their secret sexuality and affairs.

  First I would say despite their lie to us we loved fiercely and loyally and have nothing to be ashamed of. We can and should hold our heads high and not feel shame for how we loved.   
  It is a trauma you experience though and you should seek help (5th therapist?) to process the betrayal, hurt, grief, anger etc.   Do not go it alone.    Definitely start or respond to as many threads here as you want to help process some of the hurt and betrayal.    What I found helpful when I feel the sadness or trauma is to acknowledge it,  not beat myself up about it,  dwell some time on it , but then try to do something productive to get my mind off it.   Small steps each day.  

Prayers and thoughts of strength and fortitude 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

December 10, 2021 11:50 am  #34


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I remember asking my GXH at one point if he really believed he could keep it a secret from me forever (he did not want to divorce and didn't seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation at any point).  He responded "I thought it would all come out after I was dead."  

It would have hurt less if he'd just answered "yes".  

 

December 10, 2021 11:51 am  #35


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Gloria wrote:

So sorry that you are in this situation. I am also Catholic. Only God knows where your husband is now but we all know that the Lord does not like ugly. I hope he gets what he deserves .

I honestly do not appreciate your remark. I loved my husband even though he was not the best husband he was a good father and I don't think your saying hope he gets what he deserves comes from hate that you must be feeling in your situation. I am choosing love over hate and hope and pray my husband is in a good place.
 

 

December 10, 2021 11:55 am  #36


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Gloria wrote:

So sorry that you are in this situation. I am also Catholic. Only God knows where your husband is now but we all know that the Lord does not like ugly. I hope he gets what he deserves .

Gloria I am not choosing hate as you seem to be. I don't know what your situation is but I loved my husband despite his faults, he was a good father and yes I feel betrayed but I am hoping and praying he is in a good place and at peace.

 

December 10, 2021 12:38 pm  #37


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Momoftwo wrote:

.....I honestly do not appreciate your remark......

Mo2....
Some of us obviously come from harsher backgrounds that dictate how we see everybody else. I have learned to look past her comments and not take them to heart

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

December 10, 2021 1:03 pm  #38


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I did not mean to offend anyone with my remark. I came from a very pampered background. It is true though, that the Lord does not like ugly.

 

December 10, 2021 1:16 pm  #39


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I feel no hate in my situation. I am happily married and not to the homosexual that I broke up with.

 

December 10, 2021 2:13 pm  #40


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Gloria wrote:

I did not mean to offend anyone with my remark. I came from a very pampered background. It is true though, that the Lord does not like ugly.

One of the best lessons to learn in this modern world of communication via the internet is to reread the words before we press send
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

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