Hi Scared Spouse,
I want to reach out and give you some support with a bit of my own story. I've been with my transgender spouse for 12 years post transition. It hasn't always been easy, but then neither was marriage pre-transition. I wanted to tell you a few of my experiences in the hopes they might help you with your decisions.

First, your child will likely accept your spouse exactly as she/he is unless your child learns from you that "dad" is bad. I have 5 children, and I was 40 years old when my spouse transitioned. I did not stay for their sake. I stayed because I loved my spouse and thought we could still have a good relationship. (which we do have). In some ways our relationship is better than it was before. My spouse is more aware of others, and ALL of my children say they have a better relationship with their second mom than they did with their dad.

Second, your family will likely take their cues from you as well. (unless strong conservative beliefs make them feel this is sinful). I have no doubt that my family would have found money and help for me if I had wanted to leave but felt trapped by finances. Some of them asked early on if I needed help getting out. But once they understood that I was there by choice they have all learned to accept and love my spouse as she is. I'm pretty certain that if I'd left the relationship they would have chosen not to have any contact. They took their cues from me. (As did the vast majority of our friends).

Something that worked for us when my spouse first came out was that he told me he wanted me to be involved in the decisions, and that if I couldn't deal with transitioning he would do everything he could to try to be happy as a man. We spent several years talking about things before I told him I would support his transition. Maybe he would eventually have done it anyway, but feeling like I was part of the process certainly helped, and gave me time to learn more about transgender people. Maybe your husband would be open to taking time and involving you in the process?

I went with my spouse to some counseling appointments. I think it's very important that the counselor be a specialist in gender issues. The counselor my husband saw actually suggested that he avoid transitioning if there was any way he felt he could live as a man. He talked very openly about how hard it all would be.

And I'll be honest and say there are parts that are very, very hard. Our finances were devastated because my husband lost a very good paying job when he transitioned. It took us several years to reach a point where we were even financially stable again. To that end, I suggest you talk openly about the costs and require that there be a budget that insures the security of your child's future before money pays for surgery, etc.

Our sex life is a challenge. My spouse identifies as lesbian, so is happy being married to me. I feel 100% straight, and sometimes I really long to be with a man. Communication can make this work as well. Maybe you want to talk about a poly relationship or an open relationship. Maybe you will find you can have some attraction to your spouse post transition (I did find this to be true, even though I don't consider myself to be bi-sexual). There are options other than a sexless, unhappy existence.

Anyway, I hope these insights help a bit. I don't think it's ever a good idea to stay just for the kids or the finances, but I would say that whether you stay or leave it's probably best for your child if he hears a message of love and acceptance for who is dad is. Let your son and husband work out how your son will address him. Some of my kids are comfortable with "mom". Some prefer using her first name. She wanted to insist on "mom", but I insisted she had to respect us and our needs as much as we were trying to respect her. In the end it's worked pretty well for us. I am happy in my marriage. (Not 100%, but what marriage is perfect all the time.) The kids are happy with their 2 moms, and all of my kids are willing and able to talk about their dad's transition as something that's just a fact of our lives and something they expect their friends/partners to accept.

Best of luck. Feel free to reach out if I can help in any way.
Sharon
 

Best of luck to you and your family, Sharon, but I am totally with Sham on this one. 
Sham, incredible post.

Sham, I am glad that you also see this as a human rights issue.  Ours were violated by deceptive cowards and society applauds them for being heroes?  Ridiculous.

What you said, Sham.  All of it.
When I read Sharon's post (or, if you prefer, "When I read your post, Sharon,"), I was struck by her/your 1) willingness to counsel someone else to cut herself off at the knees, despite acknowledging "the challenge" of a sex life conducted on someone else's terms, "how very, very hard" it was to take a "devastating" financial hit, and 2) how she'd/you'd been drawn in by "feeling part of the process," and now lives her/your life as the wife of a transwoman as "something that's just a fact of our lives" that others are "expected to accept," because hey, no marriage is perfect.  Well, a life defined by your partner's transness may be what you're willing to accept, but it's not what I'm willing to accept.
  Scared Spouse, I know you're not read to leave, and I know that you're still in that stage of mingled shock and unbelief/denial that will have you drawing every bit of hope you can out of Sharon's narrative of her experience, hoping you won't have to.  I hope you will make your decisions not based on fear and by the principle that "a wife supports her husband," but on what will give you the best chance for real happiness and a fulfilling life with your child going forward.  And that while you remain in your marriage, you will take the steps to protect yourself and your son financially going forward, and do unapologetically or defensively, because just as women who plan to be "stay at home wives and mothers" are often urged to "have something to fall back on," you need the same plan in order to preserve your own ability to make choices and to protect your son.  
  
  
  

Hello forum, my husband just announced to me he is a lesbian. I am pregnant and also have a 3 yr old. Everything others have mentioned regarding sex and single parenthood has flooded my mind. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship in the sense that my spouse wants me to keep this revelation as a secret. I'm tired and ashamed. His journey started about a year ago and was just wearing my accessories while I was at work. I would find evidence laying around. Then he started wearing these items to bed to feel sexy..I went to counseling with him a few times, and the counselor brushed it off as no big deal. That he was the same person, still a man. But I could immediately look into the future and see the end, a full transition. He was so gitty to tell me about being a woman inside and identifying as a lesbian. I have tried to just block everything out of my mind, in complete denial hoping I was having a nightmare. After this latest revelation, I am done. I don't want to hang around and have to introduce my kids to their new mom. I feel like his decision is final and for me I know that this is real. He can later deny it, but it will never go away, and it's killing me. Has anyone watched The Beginners? Excellent autobiographical story about a man who loses his mom. She dies normally in her 80s. Then soon afterward his father announces he is gay and lives the remaining days of his life with young men. It is an excellent film, just watch the trailer. The point is that his parents remained married for 44yrs and all along she knew. I don't want to be that woman.