Scared,
 You are NOT failing as a parent.  Although my husband has declared himself transgendered, our child is in his 20s, so I'm not dealing with that nightmare.  But I do know what it's like to have your life consumed by this situation, and if my experience is relevant, I can tell you that the urge and the dysphoria never goes away.  Your husband can try to manage it, but in order for that to have any chance of success, he has to take the position that what is eating at him is a problem, rather than seeing his situation as something that can be resolved by transition. 
  I feel for you, because you have a difficult, long, and lonely road ahead.  

Scared,
 I've been thinking about you ever since I read your post this morning.  I'm not an advocate of telling other people what to do, but I'm going to say some things and ask you some questions that may be hard for you to think about right now, but they're things I have also had to confront in thinking through my own future with a crossdressing/tg'd husband.

1)  Concentrate on your own actions and suffering, not on your husband's.  As Kel said so memorably: You're not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. (Hope I got that right, Kel)  Understandably you're right now thinking from the status quo and wanting to preserve it.  But that train has already left the station, that boat has sailed, and you need to start thinking about the future: yours and your son's.  

2) About being a good parent:
I know you're afraid of living alone and not wanting to be a single parent.  But if you're immersed in thinking about your husband's trans issues all day, and you can already see the effect of that on your parenting of your son, why would staying together be a good idea?  You'll be so preoccupied, and he'll be asking for so much of your time and emotional care that you will have less for your son, who has to be your main focus and concern--not holding together a marriage with someone who has changed the rules in the middle of things, just because you're in the abstract committed to a two-parent marriage.  Again, the reality is not what it was.  You no longer have the two parent marriage you had: two straight spouses, male and female.
 
What kind of household do you want your son to grow up in?  What kind of role model do you want for your son?  Do you want him to grow up in a household without a father--or one in which his father is now a transgender woman?  Is your husband willing to continue on as Daddy?  Are you willing to allow yourself to become one of two mommies?  Where will your son get his ideas of maleness/masculinity?  And how easy will it be for you to find a model for maleness/masculinity for your son if you're living with your newly feminized husband?

 You indicate that you think custody arrangements would necessarily be 50/50.  But that may not be the case.  Go NOW and ALONE to a lawyer with your concerns.  It's entirely possible that you can stipulate that while your husband is undergoing transition (and for a period afterwards) you can retain full custody. Your husband's going to have enough on his plate dealing with the effects of hormones, the realities of his post-op body, the psychological dimensions of his transition.  

  And while I'm on the idea of a lawyer--you need to protect your financial future, NOW, not later, not after your husband's used up all your money on a transition. 

 3) Now for yourself:
   Have you thought about the consequences for your sex life?  Your husband's taking hormones will affect his ability to get an erection--he isn't likely to want one anyway, if he's so focused on having a female body. Do you want to spend the rest of your life--or a good part of your son's youth and adolescence--in a sexless marriage, or, if your husband's like mine and likes to think of himself as a lesbian, pretending you're one, too?  Alternately, do you want to act as a man to him?  Allow him to go out and have sex with men?  Do you want to live your life as the spouse of a transgendered woman?  Because I can tell you it will define EVERY aspect of your life.  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 18, 2016 11:04 am)

Hi Scared,

I fully agree with Out of His Closet - 100%.  You are focusing on your husband right now, and that's normal.  But you need to take yourself out of that mindset altogether and think about things from your own side to realistically get to the bottom of this.  First off, no - the desire to transition doesn't go away - it gets worse.  So let's just say for the sake of this argument that he's GOING to transition.  It's just a matter of when and how.  But wrap your mind around that first point first.

Now,.... how do you feel about your husband?  Would you be sexually attracted to and able to fully, passionately participate in sex with a female?  If not, then you're at an impasse.

Then,..... if the answer to the above is a resounding, excited yes, then it's time to examine your husband's desires.  Does he still want to have sex with women after the transition (making him a trans lesbian), or after transitioning does he see himself then with the 'opposite' sex, meaning that he'd want to be with a man?  If the latter, then you're at an impasse yet again.  He's not likely to admit at this point that he'd want to be with a man after transition, even if that were the truth.  That would make him gay - a thing most men don't want to be.  He knows that admitting that you'll eventually be unwanted is a deal-breaker, so if he has any interest in staying married to you throughout or after transition, he'll tell you what he needs to in order to keep the status quo.  And that's that he'll still want to be with a female sexually.

After you've answered those few (big) questions, THEN you can start moving forward toward decisions.  In all reality, if either or both of you won't be sexually excited and fully satisfied by their spouse after transition, then that's a deal-breaker.  You shouldn't be required to give up the intimate side of a marriage (especially at such a young age) in order to stay in the marriage.  That is what truly makes the marriage a marriage and not just a friendship.  It's what deliniates marriage from all other types of relationships.

If your marriage cannot survive well, then frankly, I'm not recommending that it survive poorly.  Move on and find a happier life apart.  It can be and is done.  It's scarier up-front that it is once it starts working working well.  The younger your child is during separation and divorce, the better.  We all tend to think they'll handle it better once they're older.  That's simply NOT true.  It's quite the opposite.

These big questions need to be examined and answered so that you can come to decisions.  Staying IS a decision.  We often look at leaving as a decision, and staying as just doing nothing.  But that's not true, really.  Every day that you do nothing, you're still staying.  You may love your husband very much and want to support him through this, but that's really not what's best for you.  Neither of you should play second fiddle to the other.  The marriage itself comes first - if what the two individuals need doesn't work for the marriage, then it's unreasonable to think that it can and will work.  It's a pipe dream at that point.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It sounds very painful. 

Kel

Dear Sacred Spouse,

It is a lot to process, take your time.  As complicated as it is you do know for certain that; he is not trustworthy, he used you, and he is responsible for traumatizing you.

Scared Spouse,
I agree with everyone here in that you need to think of yourself & your baby's life. Try not to make a decision based on the next year as your future, but perhaps look at where you want to be in 10-20 years. What does that image look like? Now ask yurself if that image that comes up would be possible in a  sexless, lonely, one-sided, draining, ever changing, constantly stressful lesbian/gay/ relationship? That's where it ends up. Always. Women that stay with their MTF partners end up deflated, exhausted, defeated, isolated, lonely & plain ole dead emotionally & sexually.

If you think 20 years is a long way away, it't is & it isn't. You can accomplish so many wonderful things in that time, but you can also lose all your energy & potential in what turns out to be the blink of an eye. Many of us spouses have experienced the latter having wasted decades aqueising to pain in order to support our spouses & to keep the family together. It ends up being so bloody broken in the end anyway, a split marriage would have been the kinder of the two scenarios for every one's sake.

You MUST think of yourself first these coming weeks & months. If you start off at that "selfish" base, you will make the RIGHT choices for you & your son. No matter how "afflicted" your husband is with this illness, he is still an adult & his decisions are his responsoblilty alone. YOu are not required to commit slow suicide to make his life choices easier.

Big hugs & prayers to you
Sham

PS....you are an AWESOME mom! You are confused & preoccupied no doubt, but you are still the only rational parent your baby has right now that is thinking of HIS safety & welfare. Cut yourself a break, you are not superwoman. on that note, talk to your parents asap, or a best friend you trust your heart with. You will do so much damage to your physical health by keeping this "secret" of his in the closet. you need a strong, outside, sound set of ears to hold you tight right now. xxxxxxx