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October 17, 2021 5:00 pm  #11


Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower wrote:

If, I try to have a conversation with him, I already don’t feel confident about having a conversation, but if I don’t, he will just think I didn’t find anything. I would only feel comfortable about talking about the condoms I found. I do not want to discuss the bag in the closet, he removed it rather quickly.

So does it matter if he decides you mustn't have found anything - the pressure comes off doesn't it?   If he wants you to initiate a conversation he will leave more proof lying around for you to find.  If he doesn't then he will settle back to normal and that gives you some time to think about it all.

The one thing I needed above all was to talk, not to stay hidden in his closet.  Yes, talk to someone, but I think maybe it would be good to let him start any conversation and find someone more friendly to talk to than the man who has been leading you round the mulberry bush for 23 years.  

This is a real shock you are having.  walk swim garden, drink lots of water and rest as much as you can, it doesn't matter if you're not sleepy just curling up for a while is good.  after a while you will realise you can always see the next step before you and that's all you need.  

if he is like my ex you won't get any answers from him, just more spin - I finally understood that whatever he was saying was management to get what he wanted, not honest responsive conversation.

 

Last edited by lily (October 17, 2021 5:05 pm)

 

October 17, 2021 5:01 pm  #12


Re: Finding things

In my opinion, you don't have the conversation until you are ready for it. Ready is your definition, but I think it means you are confident in what you know, or deduce, and are certain about what is acceptable and not acceptable to you as part of a relationship. Some of us have had partners who are masters at word salad and truth spinning. You should plan on what your response will be for the various possible answers that might be proffered.

I don't see why you shouldn't ask about the bag. You saw it. Sure, he moved it somewhere, but that changes nothing. It exists. Speaking of which, does he disappear at times or travel alone? Is there a gym he often goes to? Is the trunk of the car off-limits to you? Other potentially red-flag behaviour?

Things may be tricky with your daughter. They can be great supports but you also don't want to make them feel like they must pick a side.

Have you looked into the possibility of any personal counseling? It may help you with the physical impacts of all this. It's normal to be confused. Moving too fast is not advisable, but neither is immobility. Small steps when big ones are not possible.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

October 17, 2021 6:28 pm  #13


Re: Finding things

My comments in red

Wiltedflower wrote:

.....I’m still struggling, should I not saying anything, at all? If, I try to have a conversation with him, I already don’t feel confident about having a conversation......if you know you're still struggling, not confident to bring this up.....then don't. Honestly you need to get stronger in body & mind to actually know what questions to ask and how to open the conversation

Do I just ask about why he has these condoms? Then what? Is it better to say nothing? I’m so confused, I don’t know what is best....don't ask about the condoms until you're ready for the answer..and as he'd probably try to pass it off as a joke or get angry with you you'd be best to be prepared for his non-answer

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 18, 2021 9:48 am  #14


Re: Finding things

I really want to thank everyone again. I slept a bit last night, not much, but it did helped me gain a bit more perspective this morning. My heart is still beating wildly all the time though, I feel like I can hear my heart just bounding in my chest.

Today, my husband is at work. Im really hoping I can calm down enough to allow me to think clearly. I need to be able to think, but my emotions are so high, all I end doing is bursting into tears and I cannot focus on anything else.

I need to figure out how I’m going to have this discussion with him. I’m not the type of person who usually sits and waits long before I take action and I’ve already been sitting on the porn issue much longer than I normally would, for reasons previously explained.

That I am accidentally continuing to find these types of items is alarming to me.

Daryl, I have to mention, after reading your response, I am going to postponed my usual no BS approach discussions and wait till I am more confident, not only in myself, but the entire situation that seems to be unravelling before my eyes.

You raised some very interesting points in your post for me. It’s not only the trunk of a car that is not accessible to me, it’s an entire car. He has been working on this old car for the last four summers. I have not seen any progress being made on this old car. This past summer was suppose to be his final attempt at fixing the car, next to nothing was done.

Similarly, I have an entire garage that is also very much off limits to me, vast majority of time. You have no idea how much this irks me to no end. All of my gardening tools and material are stored in that garage. I can never even enter this garage most times because he leaves all sorts of big tools lying around, it’s a huge mess in there, same kind of mess as the interior of that old car.

In terms of discussing this issue with my daughter, I have no plans on discussing anything with her at this point in time. Although I am very close to my daughter and I know she feels very much the same with me, she is also very much daddy’s little girl too.

I can never thank all of you enough for all of your thoughtful responses and helpful advice. I’m going to try and think some of this out on my own first before taking any further steps. I’ve never been to therapy in my life, I have no idea what that might look like, but I will certainly keep it in mind. Everything is swimming for me at the moment still. Thank you.

     Thread Starter
 

October 18, 2021 10:37 am  #15


Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower, Welcome, I’m so very sorry for what is happening in your life.

I’m two years post discovery. If I have anything to share with you concerning my own experience with my journey, it would be to use caution in the way in which you start/decide to start the conversation with your husband.

It seems to me at least, how these initial conversations play themselves out, will be a good indication, to a large extent which path your own journey will take. Don’t be too quick to be forth coming (totally honest with all you have found), put your questions to him, but never provide him with any help in providing you with his answers. Let him answer you, regardless of how long it might take him.

In retrospect.  If were given a chance to do anything over again about this experience/journey, it would be to control mt own level of honesty in those early discussion days, I was ill prepared for the direction those talks would take. So please make sure you are prepared. Take care of you in these early days, they are truly the most critical ones for you. One moment at a time, one day at a time. Post as much as you need. Lots of people in this forum with a wealth of knowledge. Take care.


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 18, 2021 12:31 pm  #16


Re: Finding things

"my heart is still beating wildly all the time though.  I feel like I can hear my heart just pounding in my chest."

I don't want to worry you, as we all know our hearts beat more strongly when we are alarmed, but I am hoping you will listen to my suggestion to book in and go for a general check up with your doctor. 
 

 

October 18, 2021 1:27 pm  #17


Re: Finding things

lily wrote:

....I don't want to worry you, as we all know our hearts beat more strongly when we are alarmed, but I am hoping you will listen to my suggestion to book in and go for a general check up with your doctor. 

I thought the exact same thing Lily. 
Wilted.....get thee to a doc

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 18, 2021 1:41 pm  #18


Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower wrote:

  I’m going to try and think some of this out on my own first before taking any further steps. I’ve never been to therapy in my life, I have no idea what that might look like, but I will certainly keep it in mind. Everything is swimming for me at the moment still.

Meditation helped me focus. So much so I could hear my intuition/gut feeling shouting at me. It was 100% correct.

There's lot of apps out there. I like this one from the UCLA School of Medicine.
https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/mindful-meditations

Take care of yourself. I third seeing a doctor!
 


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

October 19, 2021 11:50 am  #19


Re: Finding things

Thank you all for your concern. I took your advice and called my family doctor yesterday. I should have expected I wouldn’t be able to get in as quickly as I would have liked, but at least I’ve booked one. 

My husband kept himself busy outdoors most of last night after dinner. I now feel like he is the one either avoiding me, which suits just fine for the time being. However, it doesn’t reassure me in any sense of the word, it’s now making me feel more anxious. It’s like we are now both watching one and other.

Thank you caring help

     Thread Starter
 

October 19, 2021 1:34 pm  #20


Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower: when I was in your situation, it literally took me months to gather my composure to talk to my husband.  And, I know exactly what you mean about your heart pounding.  My heart was pounding, my ears were ringing, and there were black splotches in my vision.  I felt as if no matter how much air I gulped, there was no oxygen in it.  I later learned these are symptoms of shock.

So I knew that my husband would only confess to as much as he'd been caught at.  I also didn't want to "ask" so much as I just wanted to state things up front.  For example, you want to know whether you should ask him why he has a box of condoms.  Does it really matter what his answer is?  Same goes for his strap-on.  Same goes for his gay porn.

You could sit him down, look him straight in the eye, and tell him "This is as much my house as anyone's.  You are not to watch gay porn in my home, ever again.  You are to remove from my home anything you mistakenly believe you've successfully  hidden from me, because in my home every room, including the garage and the closets, will be open to me.  I will not be made to feel like a trespasser in my own home."

The point is, there's nothing to be gained by asking him to explain.  There's nothing he can say to make things better, but there are around a million things he can say to make YOU feel worse.  

In my case, I didn't know what my next step would be.  People who were around this site back then can tell you: I rigorously resisted the idea that I would have to get a divorce.  But, taking that time to really think allowed me to lay down my conditions: that our daughter would have to be told, and that I was not going to be lied to in my own house.  It made it easier for me to recognize when that line was crossed, that it was time to end the marriage.

Last edited by walkbymyself (October 19, 2021 1:50 pm)

 

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