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October 16, 2021 9:44 am  #1

Finding things

Hi, I don’t know where to start. I’ve been married for 23 years, we have only one child, she is 18 years old, still living at home due to the pandemic. It was too difficult financially on her own in her apartment living alone, so she moved back home shortly after the pandemic started. She felt scared.

I’m glad she returned home but before she returned home, I found out my husband was watching gay porn. I didn’t say anything at first because I thought, surely, this just popped up on his computer. It’s much more serious than that though. I don’t know what to do.

He watches gay pornography all night long. He waits until we go to bed. Over the years, I don’t know if this is related or not, but something is telling me it is.

Every door in our house makes noises when you open or close them, especially my bedroom door and our daughter’s. I’m always asking him to oil them or do something to fix them because it’s really is annoying, but before you know it, the doors are making those noises again.

I am now thinking, he is the one doing this to our bedroom doors so he knows when we open the door. It gives him a warning, which gives him the time to exit what he is watching. I don’t know. He tells me it’s normal for doors to squick, but every two weeks? I’ve been staying up. I know he is watching pornography at night without a doubt.

I truly don’t know how to even approach him with any of this. I never suspected, never gave me reason to suspect anything like this. But the more I keep it to myself, the more I’m finding things without even searching. I also found a box of condoms while rearranging dresser drawers, a huge box.

Then when he was out of the house yesterday, I found a strap on, hidden in a bag in the closet, OMG, I wasn’t even snooping, I was just doing some house cleaning. It wasn’t there yesterday because I put things away in that same closet yesterday and I didn’t see that bag there.

I really don’t know how to approach him with any of this. It is so out of character but yet I have all these things that I am finding.

Any help would be welcome. I’m really feeling scared, confused and I’m really feeling upset and it’s starting to show after what I found yesterday.

Last edited by Wiltedflower (October 16, 2021 10:01 am)


October 16, 2021 11:26 am  #2

Re: Finding things

Hi, yes that must be scary to find such things after such a long time.  To have a huge box of condoms suggests this has been an ongoing thing you are only finding out about now and this is one of two things - you have become clued in to what he is doing or he is clueing you in, ie he wants to be caught.

If he is wanting to be caught then it might be because he has a boyfriend and If he isn't actively wanting to be caught then, like it was for my ex, gay in denial is a way of life for him and you've finally twigged to it. 

And that's what it sounds like to me, that is how it was for me - either way, you must be in deep shock though.  And it's the start of a period of discovery.  This is what he's really like.

If gay in denial is a way of life for him then he's like a hermit crab - his closet is his home and he will protect his closet primarily. 

I started with going to my doctor for a general check up and telling him.  And then I confided a friend.  It really helped.

it is a huge emotional shock and takes time to absorb, the things that helped on a moment by moment basis were long showers, lots of walks and lots of rest, really lots of rest.  and as I rested I let my feelings talk to me as they came and went.  I listened to myself.  

It does get better, promise. 

wishing you all the best, Lily


Last edited by lily (October 16, 2021 11:31 am)


October 16, 2021 12:57 pm  #3

Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower wrote:

Hi, I don’t know where to start...... I’m really feeling scared, confused and I’m really feeling upset and it’s starting to show after what I found yesterday.

Most of us have been where you are. And most of us will tell you the same thing.. it's difficult to get your head around this because the person you thought you knew seems to be somebody else. It's the secrets he's keeping that will ultimately change your life but at the moment your head and heart will be in a whirl.
First things first... read the First Aid Kit on the General Board. You'll find the very best thing to do is not keep this to yourself because you'll only start doubting yourself and overthinking everything that's happening. If you don't feel you can confide in a friend or family member find a counselor or speak to your doctor. It should be a confidential conversation whoever you talk to and only you will know who. Don't speak to your husband. You need to unravel what's going on in your own head first

Welcome to our Forum Wilted Remember this it is your life that is most important, not your husband's.. secrets ruin r'ships and pornography is one of the most basest and selfish ways to do it in my opinion...
You need to be strong to get through this Wilted and you'll need the strength of others.
Keep posting, ask questions, we're here


KIA KAHA                       

October 16, 2021 1:10 pm  #4

Re: Finding things

Yes, this would be an unexpected shock. Take some time to gather your thoughts and your strength.

Something you might want to consider. Keep some evidence in a safe place, pictures or screen captures of porn viewing. You probably shouldn't confront until you are strong enough to do so. Also be prepared for all the possible reactions. The common ones are denial or the pity-me. The first one tries to deflect and make you doubt what you saw. The second one often comes with tears, possible claims of abuse in the past that has him questioning and promises to do better or seek help (which are often quickly abandoned). Then there is a third reaction - trying to make you the reason for his behaviour. Suggestions like you are not validating him enough so he seeks it elsewhere.

Which way this goes depends on what kind of person you are married to. Has this been a conscious act to place you in a closet or was he pretending and now has himself in so deep he can't dig himself out or admit it?

One piece of valuable advice I have seen here is to not reveal all that you know. Ask questions like "You need to tell me what's going on here late at night." or "... about what I found in the closet." and see what he admits to. Some of us have experienced 'drip-truth' where the only admissions are to what we provide evidence for. Instead of them being honest, we are interrogated so that our spouses know how much to reveal. This is why you need to go into that sort of discussion feeling strong.

Be well,

Last edited by Daryl (October 16, 2021 1:13 pm)

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

October 16, 2021 2:38 pm  #5

Re: Finding things

Hi Wiltedflower,

So sorry this happened to you. It is a total surprise for sure.

As you are contemplating your approach, I suggest running through what you want since he is not straight.  Some stay in the marriage and some leave.    With this "drip truth" he could be subtly pushing you to break up the marriage.  He doesn't want to look like the bad guy.

You may want to spray WD-40 on your door hinges when he's not home. It sounds kind of sneaky but it'll help if you want to confront him.

Again, so sorry. Please write when you need to.



No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

October 16, 2021 9:07 pm  #6

Re: Finding things

I thank all of you so very much. Truthfully, my head is spinning, it’s been spinning all day, I can’t get it out of my mind. I have so many emotions coming at me at once, it just doesn’t stop.

I do not feel ready to discuss these discoveries at this time with my husband, especially the bag in the closet. He removed the bag from the closet sometime today. I do not know about the other, I have not had an opportunity to look.

How did you all cope with this? Today was awful, it was worse than awful. I feel like he is looking at me suspiciously, it’s probably just me, but I feel so nervous about all of this.

I need to re-read all your comments and give myself a bit of time to absorb all of this. I just don’t know how I’m going to do this while pretending nothing is wrong. I just don’t know, but I know I don’t feel ready to discuss any of this yet. Thank you to all.

     Thread Starter

October 17, 2021 1:39 am  #7

Re: Finding things

It sounds like his spidey senses are tingling.  not surprising. 

I don't think you can hide the distress you are in from him but perhaps you can say you aren't feeling well, nothing specific, just feeling more tired than normal - you want to lie down and you want an appt with the doctor.  

Posting and reading here will help you cope.  The thing about walking and swimming is it that left arm right arm left leg right leg thing - it makes your brain feel better.  don't know why but it does help cope with the shock.



October 17, 2021 8:52 am  #8

Re: Finding things


All good advise above.

It is a shock. I felt like I got hit by a bus..it was very hard to hide my shock and distress from my GX while at the same time not revealing what I knew.
This is further traumatizing because on top of the gay thing (TGT) that you have to wrap your head around there is all the lies and sneaking around they do.  I found this much more traumatizing and upsetting. That she had no problem lying to my face... that she had such a low opinion of me hurt more that her affair and sneaking being gay. The gay is awful and hurts and traumatized but the lying to cover it up hurt more. 

So it is a shock.. you need to build a support system..and sadly the support won't come from him.   You can confront him or ask questions but you most likely will get lies..which ends up hurting more..and does not bring a solution to your hurt and pain.  It took me some attempts with asking her things to realize she was the cause of the pain and would not help me..only hurt more.  So one needs to seek out God, friends, family, counselor, doctor,  therapist. Support for your hurt and your trauma.

If you want to oil those doors and catch him do so...but know what you will find and be prepared for the hurt.  I did this for sometime before I realized it was not helping..that my GX had no problem lying, cheating and hurting.  I asked myself why should I have to wonder or snoop.. it what world was what she was doing moral or right.. 

A kind ehug and wishes of strength and fortitude.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

October 17, 2021 1:13 pm  #9

Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower wrote:

.......How did you all cope with this? .....


At first I didn't cope. I was just like you are...head-spinning, confused, apprehensive. I would say the headspin continued until I switched over from thinking "I'm going to lose everything" to "I need a plan"...I was confused until all the pieces in the Mindfuck fell into place, things started to make sense....his secretive behavior, the anger, dismissiveness and I admitted to myself this is not how I want my life to be.......and I was apprehensive til I had processed all I had been through and decided that if we couldn't survive then I would. 
It was an emotional shift, telling myself nearly every day that this wasn't my fault and that in the end it didn't matter where he was, what he was doing, who he was with, what he was feeling....because I'll never be the boss of him and he'd already kept so much from me that it didn't matter anymore. If he could be that selfish, that uncaring then I was going to save myself.

My partner makes it very easy to stay here. Sometimes I wish he'd all of a sudden say "let's talk" but he doesn't.



KIA KAHA                       

October 17, 2021 3:18 pm  #10

Re: Finding things

Thank you everyone, I’m so relieved to be able to come here, you have no idea, I’m sorry, yes, of course you all do. Thank you!

I’m still spinning, I didn’t sleep at all last night, I’m wide awake, I feel no tiredness to sleep, but yet feel so exhausted. My daughter asked me if everything was alright earlier and I just left her standing there and locked myself in the bathroom to gather my composure. She won’t let this drop, I know her.

I’m still struggling, should I not saying anything, at all? If, I try to have a conversation with him, I already don’t feel confident about having a conversation, but if I don’t, he will just think I didn’t find anything. I would only feel comfortable about talking about the condoms I found. I do not want to discuss the bag in the closet, he removed it rather quickly.

Do I just ask about why he has these condoms? Then what? Is it better to say nothing? I’m so confused, I don’t know what is best.

     Thread Starter

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