Thanks all for the insight, yes i firmly plan to have my own house with enough room for both of them into adulthood, although how i get there is less clear at the moment as i am not wealthy.
Lily i have a rather large support network of friends/colleagues that i am heavily leaning on and this forum is giving me said armour to predict/expect duplicity, plenty of you have said this is not my journey (hers).
i have my own plans for several eventualities and that's all i can do, some clever General (Rommel i think) said no plan survives contact with the enemy. However having all this in my mind knowing what i want to do if xxx happens is good enough for me, i can roll with the punches as they land if needs be.
thank you for the honesty it doesn't get me down it really rather emboldens me

been out with my best m8 last night, it was ok but i have an over-riding urge to be at home with my children,
not doing so great this morning as i found out(yes i was being underhand) that she has signed up to a queer dating app and is having loads of contacts and starting to form conversation strings, which means she likes someone.
i am sure if i confronted her with this she would trot out the "i just need people t speak to" line, happily papering over the cracks that its a dating app.

i go back to some of the comments about disassociating myself from her activities but this one has really got under my skin.

I feel like going back home in  a moment and straight out asking for a divorce, as it does seem that its all smoke and mirrors hidden behind her depression.

i could do with a few points of view on this before i bust my flush by being too rash.

Last edited by jamieblunt (October 31, 2021 2:28 am)

Jamie, it's horrible, of course it's upsetting.  I think it's important to listen to your gut feelings, and if you want to stay close with the children then nothing wrong with doing that.

It seems to me a possibility that you play into her hands when you go out.  And maybe that you are being pushed to get to the point of saying you want the divorce and then that makes it easier for her to get you to give her what she wants in the settlement.

Divorce is a gruelling brutal process and it wasn't until I was past it and looking back that I could see how deliberate and accomplished my ex was in his campaign to get as much out of me as he could, meanwhile I wasn't thinking like that at all, I was more concerned for his welfare than worrying what he was doing to me.  This is where a lawyer can really help - she told me what the courts would award and I stuck out for that.
 
When you say you feel like going home and straight out asking for a divorce you are responding in a responsible adult way - the difficulty is that there isn't a responsible adult stepping out of the smoke and mirrors to respond to you.  For her it's all about her, you really do have to chart your path.  

 

Jamie I'm so sorry.  A word of caution - a verbal agreement is in no way legally binding so get it in writing as soon as you can.

We can all tell you the pitfalls of trusting our partner's word once divorce is on the table.

And if it works out better financially to sell the house, split the proceeds and start again, its probably better to do what makes better financial sense.  Don't load yourself up with unnecessary debt just to avoid a move. Kids can survive a move - they just need to know they've got one of you at least looking out for them. 

You've got this.  It sucks but you get through it.

again thanks for the insight/input

agreed verbal is just that verbal but its a start and it seems to have focused her mind a little as i think me bringing up separation/divorce put her on the back foot a little as it seems to be the one thing she is skirting around as it will involve either selling our house or her moving out, interestingly shes gone out for one of her walks (i jested she was off to meet a new friend off her app but she didn't bite) but she did on the way out say maybe "its all in her head" and the counselling may help her sort everything out so could we wait until thats concluded, you all warned of little manoeuvres if they feel they are losing control, so i will keep an eye on that one as it still fits my timeframe i have worked on but fully aware it may be a ruse.

As for 50/50  thats purely the assets in the marriage  house/cars etc, we have both put an equal effort into building what we now have, however i fully get Daryl's point about me overloading myself, however its my choice i want to be in the house with the children as they have 3 and 6 years respectively before they are adults and i dont want to miss anything (even though my 15 year old son barely speaks to us or comes out of his room but thats normal and hearing him on comms with the gaming buddies laughing and being happy is enough for me to be content)

the first plan would probably involve my daughter living with my wife but keeping her bedroom in the family home for whenever (if) she wants to stay, my son would most likely want to live with me although i have not yet had that conversation with him, if they both wanted to live with their mum then i would move out of the family home and then sell it when they are adults.
as for me,well i can come second for a few more year for my children, i am in no rush to put my happiness in anothers hands after this year so if a bit of romance comes my way all well and good but i'm not going to chase it, i dont need a new life i was quite happy with the old one bar the lack of affection/intimacy so it doesn't need a massive overhaul just a few tweaks once the stbx is distilled from it.
on the subject of me vanishing, i wont be doing that and hopefully by taking the action i am and not letting this drag on for ever and corrupting myself so all i feel is negative emotions then we can remain good friends and an effective parenting team even after the divorce. That again may be a pleasant fiction and really depends on how she conducts herself through this process.